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Relationships

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Original poster

Telling her anonymously that he’s cheating

43 replies

Cky1 · 08/07/2019 19:13

Is it really cruel to do this anonymously?

I’ve been with DP for a year, very happy after a terrible relationship. This is relevant.

DP’s best mate J is seeing Emma. They’ve been together two years. He had sudden and humiliating marriage breakup and he met her within a month of wife walking out. He’s “settled” for her. He likes her and she’s very loyal and eager to please, but he’s told DP that there’s no spark. She’s lovely, DP really likes her as do I. She’s quite vulnerable - on disability benefits - this is also relevant.

J recently met up with a girl he dated briefly 20+ years ago and has been seeing her and sexting. He’s told DP he’s besotted, he fancies her and there is chemistry. She’s not single and nothing will come of it. J is getting companionship from Emma and excitement from the other woman.

I’m not keen on this setup at all. Neither is DP but he was the person J turned to when his marriage failed and vice versa and he’s loyal - he’s hoping that J will see sense and commit to Emma. DP says that the other woman is gorgeous but full of herself, like the ex wife. He thinks that Emma is good for J. I can see why but if the spark isn’t there, it isn’t there.

Why do I want to stick my nose in? Well, I found out today via a third party who doesn’t know J that Emma is thinking of giving up her council tenancy and moving to a private rental near J. She has a child who would need to move school because it’s a 10/15 mile move. So it’s a big step. She’d be giving up a secure tenancy and uprooting her child for a man who doesn’t love her as she loves him.

So I want to tell her anonymously.

Anonymously, because I don’t want to cause friction with DP and risk our relationship. As I said, it’s going well and I’ve had bad luck before.

Also, the person who told me about Emma’s plans possibly shouldn’t have done so (she knows Emma in a professional capacity). Don’t want to land her in trouble either.

Is an anonymous message a terrible idea? Not even sure how much detail to give. I really like her and worry about what will happen to her.

OP posts:

Redwinestillfine · 08/07/2019 19:18

Can't you speak to J and appeal to his better nature. Tell him to let her down gently and explain the situation?

ohnoessexgirl · 08/07/2019 19:24

I'd have to tell her. Sorry but I would. Especially because of the housing thing. Poor woman.

madeofstarlight · 08/07/2019 19:27

I would definitely tell her because of the housing thing and can understand why you want to do it anonymously. She may not believe it though but at least you'll know you did what you could.

hadthesnip2 · 08/07/2019 19:27

What @redwinestillfine said. You are friends with her. Your DH is good friends with him. No need for anonymous letters or texts. I'd be having words with dh to talk to him saying you will be saying something to her if he doesn't either stop seeing ow or breaking up with her.

rosevalentine · 08/07/2019 19:28

I was gonna say not to tell her, only because you know through your OH, but the her giving her council tenancy changes things.

I'd tell anonymously.

MaverickSnoopy · 08/07/2019 19:28

Yes if have to tell her too. This could end so badly for Emma and her DC and could set her back several yeas if she moves and it all goes to pot.

rosevalentine · 08/07/2019 19:29

*know her
*giving up

MikeUniformMike · 08/07/2019 19:30

Tell her. Not anonymously. You'll need to be tactful but straight.
It might cost you your friendship and your relationship, but Emma is vulnerable as is her child.

Goodnightjude1 · 08/07/2019 19:33

Tell her. She has way too much to lose, poor woman. I’d tell her face to face but I understand why you wouldn’t.

Littlejets · 08/07/2019 19:35

Don't do his dirty work for him. He needs to man up and do the right thing here, it's cruel what he is doing and especially after his wife walked out (assuming the break up was humiliating to him).

Have the conversation with him and let him know what her intentions are so he can let her down.

Ginmel · 08/07/2019 19:40

Hands down I'd do it. If you make noise about him doing it and he won't, he'll then know it is you if you then try to be anonymous.

Wouldn't you want to know if your partner was cheating?

category12 · 08/07/2019 19:41

I would have another go with DH (and with J) - surely he must see how disastrous it would be for Emma to give up her tenancy for this guy? If you can get him on side, then the necessity for anonymity goes.

I think it's horrible to tell people these sort of things anonymously, plus you run the risk she won't believe it. After all, you see these threads on here where someone has received an anonymous message and loads of advice is not to believe it.

Surely your relationship isn't so fragile you could destroy it by acting on what you know?

Queenoftheashes · 08/07/2019 19:41

Yeah you need to tell J to tell her or you will.

AnyFucker · 08/07/2019 19:45

The key here is J

I think you have to make it clear you know what he is up to and he needs to sort it before Emma makes such a big step under false pretences

If he won't tell her, you will have to

Shadow1234 · 08/07/2019 19:48

Are you and DH the only ones who J confided in? If so, it will be obvious who tipped Emma off, so that may not be a good idea.

I agree with others who say tell him to be honest with Emma or you will do it for him.

Summertimeatthebeach · 08/07/2019 19:48

Give him a week to finish it. Or you must tell her. Or don't call her your friend....

sheshootssheimplores · 08/07/2019 19:49

You have to tell her to protect her child.

SunshineCake · 08/07/2019 19:56

Give him one chance to tell her or you will. Anything else and you are putting your own relationship before someone's secure home and their child being settled at school.

I also wouldn't think much of my boyfriend if he was condoning a mate cheating, loyalty or not .

2littleninjas · 08/07/2019 19:59

I’d have to tell her, especially as a child is involved

FlyMayBe · 08/07/2019 20:08

I'd have to tell her, OP.

TanMateix · 08/07/2019 20:13

If you don’t have the bollocks to tell her to her face, just stay away of it. An anonymous letter will make her feel betrayed by more than one person, not knowing who sent that bombshell will have her looking over her shoulder for a long time.

If you are going to tell her, do but if you don’t at least find a good friend of her to pass the message and hold her hand when she receives the news.

FuriousVexation · 08/07/2019 20:50

Is this a joke thread?

FuriousVexation · 08/07/2019 20:52

Surely to god I hope it is.

Piggle23 · 08/07/2019 20:57

Erm yeah I suppose you have to tell her but your friend is out of order giving out confidential info about a patient/ client? Hope it isn't NHS. Be careful.

Bbang · 08/07/2019 21:09

I wouldn’t want to tell her but due to her being a vulnerable adult with a child and housing to consider then I’d really feel like I had no choice, awful situation to be in for you and her but I’d feel morally obligated to let her know so she can safeguard herself and her child’s future and security.

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