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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Telling her anonymously that he’s cheating

43 replies

Cky1 · 08/07/2019 19:13

Is it really cruel to do this anonymously?

I’ve been with DP for a year, very happy after a terrible relationship. This is relevant.

DP’s best mate J is seeing Emma. They’ve been together two years. He had sudden and humiliating marriage breakup and he met her within a month of wife walking out. He’s “settled” for her. He likes her and she’s very loyal and eager to please, but he’s told DP that there’s no spark. She’s lovely, DP really likes her as do I. She’s quite vulnerable - on disability benefits - this is also relevant.

J recently met up with a girl he dated briefly 20+ years ago and has been seeing her and sexting. He’s told DP he’s besotted, he fancies her and there is chemistry. She’s not single and nothing will come of it. J is getting companionship from Emma and excitement from the other woman.

I’m not keen on this setup at all. Neither is DP but he was the person J turned to when his marriage failed and vice versa and he’s loyal - he’s hoping that J will see sense and commit to Emma. DP says that the other woman is gorgeous but full of herself, like the ex wife. He thinks that Emma is good for J. I can see why but if the spark isn’t there, it isn’t there.

Why do I want to stick my nose in? Well, I found out today via a third party who doesn’t know J that Emma is thinking of giving up her council tenancy and moving to a private rental near J. She has a child who would need to move school because it’s a 10/15 mile move. So it’s a big step. She’d be giving up a secure tenancy and uprooting her child for a man who doesn’t love her as she loves him.

So I want to tell her anonymously.

Anonymously, because I don’t want to cause friction with DP and risk our relationship. As I said, it’s going well and I’ve had bad luck before.

Also, the person who told me about Emma’s plans possibly shouldn’t have done so (she knows Emma in a professional capacity). Don’t want to land her in trouble either.

Is an anonymous message a terrible idea? Not even sure how much detail to give. I really like her and worry about what will happen to her.

OP posts:

RLEOM · 08/07/2019 21:38

Tell her. Council tenancy is not easy to get these days, she'll end up isolated in a new area, and her poor child will be put in an unstable position. Don't do it for Emma, do it to protect her child.

Blondebakingmumma · 09/07/2019 08:44

Yes tell her. W oils usually say stay out of it but she is risking too much without knowing the truth

fedup21 · 09/07/2019 08:50

No, I wouldn’t tell her. I would tell him that she’s moving near him and that he needs to do the right thing

ChuckleBuckles · 09/07/2019 09:04

I also wouldn't think much of my boyfriend if he was condoning a mate cheating

I agree with this, sadly experience has taught me it is wise advice.

I think I would tell her face to face, giving her partner a chance to tell her will backfire, he will say you are lying or spin her some story that you are jealous of how close and happy they are giving your difficult relationship history.

TatianaLarina · 09/07/2019 09:07

Talk to J and tell him it’s not ok. If he doesn’t sort it you will have to tell her.

Lllot5 · 09/07/2019 09:12

Explain to j and your DP what Emma is planning on doing.
Then tell him unless he tells her she is wasting her time, and worse giving up her house moving her child’s school, or you will have to.
I couldn’t stand by and watch her potentially ruin her and her child’s life.

ems137 · 09/07/2019 09:20

I would 100% tell her. I don't know whether I'd do it anonymously or just to her face though.

However, I will say (from recent experience) that she might not even act upon your information which will then cause problems between you and your partner and also his best mate. I was in a very very similar situation last summer, I told the woman (who I was friendly with) and she chose to stay. Other than passing the time of day she's not really spoken to me again and obviously it caused trouble between DH and his mate. I don't care though and I've told them all the same, I will always stick up for what/who is right and I will not stand by and let someone be taken the piss out of.

ticking · 09/07/2019 09:22

I would absolutely do what you say - tell her annonamously. There are plenty of people on here who will tell you you need to do it face to face, but frankly why would you risk your friendship and or relationship.

PinkCrayon · 09/07/2019 09:25

Tell her.

CheerfulPotato · 09/07/2019 09:25

I think you should tell J that if he doesn’t tell her, you will.

Think about it - if he doesn’t do the decent thing and let’s her give up her home then he’s a cunt and why would you care if he breaks off your friendship??

CheerfulPotato · 09/07/2019 09:26

If this were my DH and his friend I’d think less of DH if he stayed friends with J anyway.

Fonduefrolics · 09/07/2019 09:56

I’m not fan of telling anonymously but if you feel like it’s your only choice then do it.

missyjudy · 09/07/2019 10:02

That poor woman. I’d tell her. To her face and fuck what the men think of it. I’d simply say to her “I’ve been cheated on before so I will not stand for it from others. He’s cheating on you. He has said lots of not nice things about you. It’s up to you obviously what you do about it but he’s not trustworthy and he doesn’t fancy you. Sorry to be blunt but there’s the cards on the table. He’s messing with an ex so she’s always going to be in the picture too because he has the hots for her. I’m here to support you” then if you get backlash stand up for yourself and get a new partner and new non cheater friends if needs be.

missyjudy · 09/07/2019 10:03

Good for you ems137! Everybody should be like you

MaudebeGonne · 09/07/2019 10:10

Oh, it is a difficult one. I think I would meet her for coffee and cake and talk A LOT about how lucky she is to have a secure tenancy and that no matter what happens with relationships she is so lucky that she can offer her child this stability and security that her council home offers. And how you heard about this poor woman who gave up her secure tenancy to go into a private rental and what a disaster it turned out to be. Steer clear of relationship stuff, keep it breezy if the conversation flows that way, but focus on trying to get her to see the value in keeping her home.

Highandlow · 09/07/2019 10:12

She is vulnerable -tell her.

PulpHorn · 09/07/2019 13:28

Definitely tell her. Like PP have said it's the child who's important here. I think she's more likely to take it seriously if it came from you and you were there for her. DP should understand, his friend is in the wrong and needs to face the consequences. I wouldn't really worry about pissing someone off who behaves like that especially given the circumstances.

ConfCall · 09/07/2019 15:03

I think that she needs to know and if you have to tell her anonymously, so be it. You’d need to name the woman and give some detail too (at least one date and place if possible) to convince her you’re not a random troublemaker.

If J then lies to her and she believes him, I’d have a word with him. You don’t need to mention the tenancy. What he’s doing is bad even in the absence of that.

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