My partner's parents hate me

[LCP22]

I'm at my wits end at the moment and I'm needing a bit of advice on what to do...

Firstly, I'm 20 years old and my boyfriend is 21. He's going to be 22 this year and I will be 21. Our son is due in November this year and we're both really excited.My partner and I have known each other for just over 4 years and have been together nearly a year.

Before I was pregnant we were looking at moving in together, his family loved me and we got on well. As soon as we told them that I'm pregnant all hell broke lose. Their first response was "have an abortion!" and they've been negative ever since. I'm just over 5 months pregnant and we told them when I was 7 weeks. They're constantly saying we're not ready for this and trying to force their opinions and views on us. My partner is autistic so struggles on how to handle situations with them. They're constantly being rude about me and to me and they're pushing me out of family events, yet his brother's girlfriend of 2 months is adored and allowed to go to family meals etc.

They absolutely hate me now because I'm pregnant. My partner and I are trying to find a two bedroom home together where we can bring our small dog and have our child and they somehow think I'm being ridiculous because I'm taking my dog with me. Any little thing me or my partner do they moan about. They blame me for absolutely everything that happens and I'm sick and tired of it.

It's really stressing me out because I don't feel safe around them and they're constantly putting stress on me. I'm actually getting to the point where I don't want them around our child because they emotionally abuse my partner and they disrespect me all the time.

Every time I have seen them I have been polite! Even if I don't agree with their views I am polite and respectful and I don't make comments when they say hurtful things or are rude to me.

To give you some example of what they're like, my partner's dad turned around and told my partner to run over the dog so that solves the issue of moving out with the pet. My partner was fuming at that comment, as am I. Also, they're extremely racist and rude (especially in public) and I'm worried about having that around my son too because my partner and I are not racist in any way shape or form, I think it's disgusting to be this way.

I currently live with my mother who is very supportive, as is the rest of my family - they absolutely adore my partner and he loves them too.

He's at mine most nights of the week, we're still searching for a perfect home that we can rent together. My mother is more than happy for us to stay at mine until we find a place and she is not forcing us to move out. His parents want us to find a home right away and just jump into the first property possible, which is ridiculous especially if the rent is too high.

I honestly don't know what to do and I'm not sure if this makes much sense, but is there any advice on how to handle this situation? I literally can't keep doing this with his family every other day and am seriously considering not having anything to do with them due to how horrible they are.

Also, he has tried to talk to them but his mother doesn't listen. She likes to control him and hates the fact she can't control me.

Thanks in advance, sorry for the long post!!

They really are very controlling aren't they? Run over the dog? Abort the baby? It's none of their business how you run your lives. I'm glad your mum is supportive. Don't move out until you're good and ready. I suppose his family think they'd have more control if you moved out. Tbh, the only thing you can do is to see them as little as possible, and don't let them have any information about what you're doing. (Maybe tell them you're having twins? Then stand back and watch the fun!)

So you’d only been together about 6 months when you fell pregnant? I can see why they were alarmed and mentioned abortion in that scenario. If her son has additional needs she may be more protective of him too. Does he stand up to her? Ultimately if you think she’s being difficult for the sake of being difficult the best thing to do is disengage.

It's really difficult because they are being negative for literally no reason. She's very controlling over her son and she allowed her other son (my partner's brother) to be homeless for two years. She doesn't even care about his child and doesn't ever see him, so me and my partner feel she's going to be the same with our child. We're so happy about the news and they're just so negative constantly. If she can't control my partner (he's standing up for himself more now) and he doesn't do what she says she starts crying, slams doors and says she's not been eating etc. She'll be absolutely vile as well saying horrible things... it's just really difficult and I know we were only together for a short amount of time before being pregnant but we were friends 3 years before and we fell in love! Everyone says we're literally the perfect match and before I got pregnant his mum even said we were made for each other.

My partner and I are also very mature for our ages. We also don't go out clubbing or drinking, we don't spend money on stupid things, we pay all our bills and have absolutely no debts and have never taken out loans. We're very responsible people and are more than ready to have a child right now! I'm actually not friends with many people my own age, most of my friends are over 25! My whole family are super supportive and they're excited too because the acknowledge that we're ready to do this and that this is a great step for us. We would have liked to have had our own home first but we live together at my mum's anyway. He only pops to his parents every other night to have some food with them and every time they are negative and rude!

You and your dp are the same ages as my dc and their dp give or take a few months, so yes you are on the the young side. But they seem rather unreasonable.

Why are you seeing them so much? I see my in laws a few times a year. You don’t have to have any interaction with them. It’s not the law. If they’re shitty, stop seeing them. Simple. Your partner can go see them on his own. When they can be nice to you, then see them.

Agree. Forget the words and debate - that just means you feel the need to justify your hurt - YOU DONT. They are rude so just take action - “drop the rope” - don’t engage and don’t bother to see them.

It’s very important that you both only surround yourselves and your baby with positive, supportive, happy people if you want a calm and joyous family. If you let these negative, controlling, bitter people in to your lives they will ruin your precious time in pregnancy and early days of parenting when you are vulnerable.

Keep your distance, write them off if they can’t behave.

Can I be the devils avocado here?

They have a 20 year old son with special needs. Within six months of getting together with his girlfriend, she is pregnant. They're not married. They have nowhere to live to raise the child apart for her mums house. He doesn't come home every night.
He doesn't go out with friends having fun. They can see his whole youth disappearing before their eyes. There are arguments all the time.

It's not a good situation from their point of view and the fact that you are seeing it entirely as a positive shows that you are not as mature as you think.

I have a 19 year old son and I would be devastated if he found himself in this situation.

Do you both have jobs? How are you going to afford a baby and a home and the Bill's etc?

Yes, we both have jobs - both way above minimum wage for our ages thankfully. He has mild autism, it's not severe and I know what he can and can't cope with. He had to have himself diagnosed because his mother never listened to him or schools when he was younger and she never took him to get tested. He only got diagnosed 2.5 years ago with it after going himself. It's only mild but he struggles with social things mostly, so arguments he doesn't know how to respond to very well which is why I'm staying civil with his parents and not getting angry at them when they say hurtful things. We are both very mature - me a bit more so than him. Of course we see difficulties in having a child at a young age and we know that it's not going to be a song and dance. Would we have liked to have had a child when we were a bit older? Yes! But this is happening and this is what we're doing together, we are a family together and we are happy.

I also feel the need to say to a comment above, as a mother I get you'd feel that way if you thought your son's life was slipping away. But he's not, we just don't go out drinking or partying because we're not that kind of people. We enjoy going to a pub and kicking back! He's got many friends and he's a musician so knows many people and socialises a lot, but we both feel mature and we both don't feel the need to go out clubbing etc just to have fun. We enjoy our lives and we are both ready for this.

For the comment saying she's probably concerned about her son, I feel she isn't. She wanted him to focus on making extra money and pushing him to do other things rather than him doing his uni work when he was in uni, then would moan he wasn't working hard enough when the poor lad was working so hard he barely had time for anything fun for himself, just to please her. I continued to push him to do his uni work and help him with that and he passed with flying colours!! Nothing she is doing is being supportive whatsoever and it's making it extremely difficult in our lives.

We are both mature adults and feel they need to either be positive or not be involved but I wanted some other peoples views, so thank you so much for taking the time to comment, it means a lot.

Also, we are living at my mothers at the moment together. We both pay bills, our names are on the tenancy here too. My mum had me young too, I'm 21 this year and she's 39 so she's very supportive. Many experiences in both mine and my partner's lives have led us to be more mature than many people are age. We've never done drugs, never done anything illegal - we're good people who just want his parents to be more respectful. When his older brother had a son a year ago they bullied his partner too and she doesn't want anything to do with them. I'm trying to be civil for my partner's sake but it's breaking my heart seeing him so upset from their negativity. He's a big softie you see, so he lets things get to him quite a lot.

Defiantly start saying 'don't speak to me like that. There is no world where that would be remotely acceptable' and leaving the vicinity when and if they are horrible to you. Don't excuse their nastiness or just let it slide. If I were you I'd be distancing myself from them though. I think it might be hard to get son to disengage with them but no way in hell would I spend any time with them or let my child spend time with them either. Controlling, narcissistic bullies don't belong anywhere near children.

Being friends with someone is not the same as being in a relationship with them, so you haven’t been in a relationship dynamic with this man for very long. Maturity is so much more than not going out clubbing and having a job. I won’t bang on about something that’s already happened but having a child with someone in your circumstances, isn’t a sign of maturity.

His family are who they are, disengage and ignore. You can not change them, the difficulty will come if he won’t disengage with them too.

Easy. Don’t see his parents as often. When you meet up make it public. They may be less inclined to make a scene in a public place like a cafe. If they are rude, politely stand up for yourself. If they continue to be rude leave

His mum clearly is having difficulty (putting it mildly) adjusting to the situation but for all your protestations about how mature you both are and how you earn way above minimum age, the fact is you fell pregnant only a few months into your relationship and your situation is such that you both live with your mum.

Maturity would have seen the two of you getting a place together and spending much more time as a couple for a few years before committing to having a child. You do realise it's 50:50 that you won't even be together in 5 years?

Yes, we know it is soon as I have stated above. We weren't trying for a child either, it just happened. But we both wouldn't want an abortion and we're extremely happy. Yes, we are young as pointed out and yes we haven't been together for the longest of times, but we are really compatible and his mother has even said that before. We are still looking for our own home and hope to be in one before the baby is due! We already tried to get a home and went to apply, it was perfect and we fell in love with it, but the landlord had another tenant who wanted it so went with them. So yes, we live with my mother. But we are extremely responsible, we've got almost all of the baby stuff (minus a few minor things) and we work hard. My child will be supported and loved. My mother had me at 18 years old and due to life experiences I'm a very strong woman, so I'm not worried about us breaking up because even if we did I know the child's best interests would be at heart and we'd still be great co-parents.

My stepson and his DP are about to have a child and they’re about your age. Unfortunately neither of them are remotely as mature or well prepared as you sound.

You seem to have thought this through and about as well prepared as you can be in the circumstances, so good luck with everything.

As for his parents, I think PP’s advice to back off from them is probably the only route you have open to you. I very much doubt they’ll have a sudden epiphany and swing round to being supportive again. Your combined MH would be better served keeping them at arms length.

His parents don't sound very nice, although I would be a little disappointed if my 21 year old was pregnant, as I feel she'd be missing out on a lot in life.

Being saddled with a baby so young.

Having said that, you sound mature and sensible, so I would say go very very low contact with his family and get on with your life.

They certainly have a lot to learn, but sound old fashioned and ignorant...not the kind of ppl to expect much from. Lower your expectations of them to below ground level and you won't be disappointed.

You need to set some strong boundaries with the Out-laws - and follow through with consequences for violating those boundaries.
If ILs say anything rude/racist/offensive to you or about you - you don't see/speak to them until they apologise.
They keep repeating that behaviour - don't go round to their house anymore.

The fact is that they are emotionally abusive of their own children so won't treat yours any better.
You don't HAVE to talk to them, tell them your business or allow them in your child life.

Maturity would have seen the two of you getting a place together and spending much more time as a couple for a few years before committing to having a child. You do realise it's 50:50 that you won't even be together in 5 years?
Anyone of any age could have a contraception failure. And it wasn't too many years ago that 21 was usual to have children. In fact it is prime time biologically speaking.

Also, it's 50/50 any relationship will be together in 5 years time! Half of marriages end in divorce so it's really silly to make out it's unique to this couple's age.

OP you've both got jobs, both seem mature and you have your families support. Being young doesn't mean you'll be a bad parent. Anyone of any age could be a good or bad parent. I wouldn't let your partners abusive family be around my child tbh.

@WaterOffaDucksCrack Thank you so much for responding to that other comment, I thought the exact same thing. Age doesn't define a person! Experiences in life build you up and I am more than ready to be a parent!

In regards to your comment direct to me, I have told my partner now that I do not wish to be around his parents and that until they change their attitude, my son won't be around them either. He completely agrees with this decision as he doesn't want our child to be around the negativity, rudeness and racism from them either.

You sound lovely people...good luck with your baby!!! Surround yourself with the nice supportive relatives and ignore them

LCP22 exactly. Unfortunately by that age I'd been through more than some people go through in a lifetime. However it made me resilient and built my character. It also helped me through difficult parenting times and helped me cope being a single parent.

I really do wish you well.

I would truly be so disappointed if my 20year old was pregnant. You are barely and adult and just starting out. Well it's done now, the only thing I guess you can do is see them less.

@WaterOffaDucksCrack I'm sorry to hear that, unfortunately I'm exactly the same and experiences in my life have caused me to grow up a lot quicker, because I had no choice. So I may be 20 but I feel a lot older due to these experiences.

Thank you for your comments, it's nice to know people out there can be supportive to others without even knowing them!