My partner's parents hate me

[LCP22]

I'm at my wits end at the moment and I'm needing a bit of advice on what to do...

Firstly, I'm 20 years old and my boyfriend is 21. He's going to be 22 this year and I will be 21. Our son is due in November this year and we're both really excited.My partner and I have known each other for just over 4 years and have been together nearly a year.

Before I was pregnant we were looking at moving in together, his family loved me and we got on well. As soon as we told them that I'm pregnant all hell broke lose. Their first response was "have an abortion!" and they've been negative ever since. I'm just over 5 months pregnant and we told them when I was 7 weeks. They're constantly saying we're not ready for this and trying to force their opinions and views on us. My partner is autistic so struggles on how to handle situations with them. They're constantly being rude about me and to me and they're pushing me out of family events, yet his brother's girlfriend of 2 months is adored and allowed to go to family meals etc.

They absolutely hate me now because I'm pregnant. My partner and I are trying to find a two bedroom home together where we can bring our small dog and have our child and they somehow think I'm being ridiculous because I'm taking my dog with me. Any little thing me or my partner do they moan about. They blame me for absolutely everything that happens and I'm sick and tired of it.

It's really stressing me out because I don't feel safe around them and they're constantly putting stress on me. I'm actually getting to the point where I don't want them around our child because they emotionally abuse my partner and they disrespect me all the time.

Every time I have seen them I have been polite! Even if I don't agree with their views I am polite and respectful and I don't make comments when they say hurtful things or are rude to me.

To give you some example of what they're like, my partner's dad turned around and told my partner to run over the dog so that solves the issue of moving out with the pet. My partner was fuming at that comment, as am I. Also, they're extremely racist and rude (especially in public) and I'm worried about having that around my son too because my partner and I are not racist in any way shape or form, I think it's disgusting to be this way.

I currently live with my mother who is very supportive, as is the rest of my family - they absolutely adore my partner and he loves them too.

He's at mine most nights of the week, we're still searching for a perfect home that we can rent together. My mother is more than happy for us to stay at mine until we find a place and she is not forcing us to move out. His parents want us to find a home right away and just jump into the first property possible, which is ridiculous especially if the rent is too high.

I honestly don't know what to do and I'm not sure if this makes much sense, but is there any advice on how to handle this situation? I literally can't keep doing this with his family every other day and am seriously considering not having anything to do with them due to how horrible they are.

Also, he has tried to talk to them but his mother doesn't listen. She likes to control him and hates the fact she can't control me.

Thanks in advance, sorry for the long post!!

@AyBeeCee10 Barely an adult? You become an adult at 18 years old, although some people may not act it but that is their choice. Experiences in my life have caused me to grow up a lot quicker than many people my age, that wasn't my choice but that is how it is.

We also didn't plan to have a baby right now but contraceptives failed and we're more than thrilled with the news as we never thought I'd be able to have children. My partner is amazing, he's so supportive and we're both mature for our ages! :)

How can you possibly think ‘we’d never thought I’d be able to have children’ at 20??

I am not sure what you want out of this post OP? It’s clear that your DP’s parents are not happy that you are pregnant, so soon and so young. You can’t empathise with that viewpoint from them or us it seems to the point of defensive.

My only recommendation would be to not share much information about your plans until they happen, they don’t need to know what properties you are viewing for example. Don’t share baby name ideas etc

This news is huge and it’s going to take a long time for them to get their head around the situation. When the baby arrives I expect that they will fall in love with him/her, accept help but maintain healthy boundaries.

Good luck 😉

How will you support your child? Can you afford child care, rent, bills, food, and all the costs associated with a baby?

As much as his parents are not being pleasant. I wonder if they are wondering how you will both cope.

Yes 20 is barely adult because it's only 2 years past reaching adulthood which generally lasts for several decades!

I recently posted on a similar thread where that op also claimed to be mature and ready to be a parent etc.

I hope it's not the same op.

As a parent I would not be happy if my child conceived within months of starting a relationship regardless of age - and I am just as critical of older posters who think this is acceptable.

There is an unusually high claimed incidence of "contraceptive failure" on mn and I'm concerned that your (unfounded) belief that you would struggle to get pregnant makes me think you perhaps weren't as circumspect with contraception as you should have been.

This is a far from ideal situation but I would not handle it as your "in laws" are doing, I would be supporting my son and keeping lines of communication open and checking if he and his partner were fully prepared (as much as anyone can be) not just practically but financially and emotionally for impending parenthood.

That your mother had you young is really no "defence" for you to do the same.

"Way above min wage"??? Min wage is shit! It's not enough to live on even with 2 earners and I suspect your combined income is nowhere near enough to cover all the costs of a family AND a dog! That to me shows how immature you really are.

I am the LAST person to criticise benefits recipients but even I think it's somewhat questionable to have a pet and a child when you don't even have your own home or a high enough income to cover all that.

Circumstances change and people should of course be supported if they're dealing with relationship breakdown, abuse, illness or disability but to actively take on responsibilities you cannot fund yourself is irresponsible.

In the current climate there's absolutely no guarantee that even within a year the level of govt help for a young family like yours will be the same, but prices continue to rise regardless.

Your blasé attitude to potentially splitting from the father of your child is also worrying. You are completely unconcerned about the difficulties this can cause, particularly as you'll be dealing with an ex with a condition that hampers his personal interactions and in all likelihood he would go live back at his parents and he would be influenced by them as to how to deal with you AND your child would likely be spending eow possibly more with them too.

From that perspective you need to find a way to get along with these people because in all likelihood they WILL be in your child's life regardless of what you wish.

Don't rise to any bait, answer any queries honestly and politely, stand up to them with assertiveness NOT aggression and maybe learn some relaxation techniques.

You are in a difficult situation but it's largely of your own making.

@theunrivalledjoysofparenting Because of health issues and the doctor at the hospital had said it to me because of operations etc, not that I need to explain that.

@Bluntness100 Yes, we can both 100% afford all things associated for the baby as we are both paid very well at our jobs. We could afford to look after the baby separately too! We may be young but we have good secure jobs.

It's funny how some people seem to think age means maturity or immaturity. Yes, I also live with my mother - because I support her! I pay almost all the bills by myself and have done for some time. I had to grow up from a very young age due to being abused badly by my father!

Yes, of course I would understand if she was purely concerned for her son, that would be completely understandable. But that isn't the issue, she isn't concerned for him or me. She's not even concerned for the baby and has already stated multiple times that she couldn't care less about our child. She's being horrible because she likes to control my partner and because of his autism, he doesn't know how to stop this and it's difficult for him. He's an amazing partner and so caring, but he struggles with his mother. The problem is, she likes to control him and if he doesn't do as she says she gets extremely nasty and throws a paddy, like a child, and posts stupid quotes on Facebook - which is absolutely ridiculous.

My concern is for him and for my child and I posted this to see advice on how to handle the situation, not to be ridiculed on having a baby at a young age! I get I'm young but I'm more than prepared financially, physically and mentally to have a child - that is not the issue here. But thanks for your concerns about having a child at a young age! I may be a young mother but that doesn't mean I will be any less of a parent. My child will be loved, massively and cared for. They will be taught all the great values in life too! :)

You sound so sweet OP, a really nice person. And you will be a lovely mum. I really feel for you from your post, but please don't let those bastards get you down.
Good luck with finding a new home, and with your baby when the time comes ... and good for you for not ditching the dog!

Anyone who feels the need to constantly repeat how mature they are, is clearly not very mature at all.

@Wheelerdeeler Well yes, because I'm commenting to different people each time.

@Dieu Thank you so much for your lovely message! Honestly, it's really refreshing to hear! ☺️ Family is important to me and I only posted this as a need for advice on his parents, not because I wanted people to judge me for having a baby at 20 years old. So thank you for being so nice, I'm a grown woman and this baby will be so so loved! 😊

@theunrivalledjoysofparenting

My partner has mild autism, he doesn't struggle to work. Also I haven't "poo-poohed" suggestions on here, I've just responded to negativity about being a young parent - there is no shame in being a parent at a young age. I live at home because I support my mum and my partner and I are looking to move out together, once she works her finances up as she's just finished uni to start her full time job. So yes, I live at home, I'm a decent person who loves my family and want to support them - but yes, definitely immature for a 20 year old!

LCP22
I wish you every bit of luck and love. You are not in an ideal situation- but I don't know when a situation can ever be 'ideal'
I do think you need to make sure you and your partner discuss the approach you will BOTH need to take with his family and make sure you agree, and stick together. Be clear - as you are being - that you expect to be respected even if they wouldn't have chosen the current situation. If they can't respect you and be pleasant - you just keep a distance and maintain formal contact remaining polite at all times. It is too much to expect them to like or love you - but they need to respect you at any age - and I know you are both a young couple. Do not let this IL problem taint the important months ahead....and be secure knowing that many people wish you nothing less than happiness and the easy arrival of a happy healthy baby. Enjoy :)

@Claricethecat45 Thank you so much for your advice and your lovely comment! Greatly appreciated!! ☺️

Jesus Christ some of you posters must be nuns because you clearly haven’t ever made any mistakes and lived a perfect life

OP there are many many posters on here who, no matter what you write, will slate you. You could be 35, married and living in a mansion and they’d still call you irresponsible or have something to say

Okay, yes, your situation probably isn’t ideal but so what? Is anyone’s situation ever ideal? Plenty people are together 10 years before having kids but end up splitting up years later so ignore that reasoning behind some posters.

You both sound very mature for your ages. I personally would just stop going over to their house. I’m shocked you haven’t done this sooner. You don’t owe them visits - you don’t owe them anything.
They sound horrible and I’d be telling them that until they have a change of attitude you (and the baby) will be having nothing to do with them!

Good luck

LCP, please ignore the negative comments, which seem to have gone off on a tangent from your OP! I had been with my BF for 10 months when I got pregnant unexpectedly (condoms are not 100% effective even when used correctly!) - I was in my 30s but in many ways was less prepared than you seem to be. Plus I had always said I didn't want kids. It took my mum until I was 7 months pregnant to really accept it.

You sound like you have your head screwed on, and have thought realistically about this baby.

It seems to me that your DPs parents are behaving unreasonably. They may well be concerned, but they also need to take a step back. They do not have the right to control their adult son, or you. Unfortunately you will not be able to change your DP's parents behaviour, so I would suggest trying to cut down contact with them. I wouldn't suggest cutting them out completely, hopefully when they see you getting on with things, particularly when the baby is born they will come round and start being reasonable.

Good luck!

We also didn't plan to have a baby right now but contraceptives failed and we're more than thrilled with the news as we never thought I'd be able to have children

Says every single 'pregnant after 5 mins' MNer Oops!

His mother probably realises she'll be the one picking up the pieces when this situation goes to shit. As it no doubt will. I know you probably believe this is a love story for the ages OP but those with actual life experience can probably recognise all the signs here.

Nonetheless, I wish you well because there is an actual real life baby in the middle of all this. Or will be.

I think you’re getting a real bashing on here. Young mums aren’t necessarily bad ones, but unfortunately the reputation they have isn’t an easy one to shake off. I’ve known some first-time mums who have struggled in their 30s and 40’s.
The way I’d be with your in-laws is to smile sweetly, and make YOUR decisions about YOUR baby. They may well criticise, but if you’re steadfast in your abilities to be a family of 3, the evidence will speak for itself.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

@CJsGoldfish "Says every single pregnant after 5 mins" "His mother probably realised she'll be the one picking up the pieces as no doubt it will. Those with actual life experience can probably recognise all the signs here"

It's funny you're quick to comment on someone having "actual life experience" as if older people are the only ones that do. I have had more life experience in my 20 years of life than post people will ever experience - being a child was taken from me and I didn't get to enjoy my childhood. His mother will definitely not be picking up any pieces because there will be no pieces to pick up! We both know how to avoid being a bad parent and we will both love this baby massively. We have the finances, love and care to look after a baby and this baby will be so loved and cared for. Age doesn't mean you will be a bad parent! I know people who are older that can't be a good parent, it's not about age, it's about the person.

Yes, a baby is involved which is why I was asking for advice about his parents due to not wanting my child around abusive behaviour.

@Amiable @cafenoirbiscuit Thank you so much for your comments and advice, and for actually responding to the post rather than judging me having a baby at 20 years old like it's some sort of crime, you've definitely helped me out with the situation! I may be young but I'm 100% dedicated to looking after this baby. My godson has only just turned 1 and I have so much experience from looking after him all the time. I have strong mothering instincts anyway, which people have always said and I love children. As much as I know it will be difficult, there will be ups and downs, but I'm ready for this and so is my partner! 😊

I also wanted to address the comments on autism - people on here somehow seem to think that having autism makes you incapable of doing things. My partner has mild autism, so he struggles in social situations at times and takes a while to understand things etc but he is so intelligent and this doesn't effect him in being a good parent or a good partner!! You wouldn't notice it unless he told you and I have training in learning difficulties as part of my education. I don't know why people seem to thing a learning disability makes someone incapable!! I can guarantee now he's a better partner than most will be out in this world.

Wow. There's some thoroughly miserable posters on here OP. Initially I did think, hmm a bit young but upon reading your posts you're clearly a very mature, intelligent woman and able to make your own decisions.

Having a baby at any age is really hard, and as someone who did so late 30s I can only say I envied those younger for their energy.

Ignore the in laws, in fact I'd go so far as to go no contact. Better to have no contact with arseholes than bother with their negativity.

And as for your dog. Wtaf. My dog comes everywhere. She is a member of the family. Wishing you the best of luck

You seem to have it sorted op. To be your ages and earning enough to maintain a household, pay child care, and keep your mothers house too is incredibly unusual.

I think it's fine to disengage with his parents. I'm surprised they are taking such a poor reaction to uou when you have both got it so together at this age.