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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unplanned pregnancy - argh help please

44 replies

otterturk · 08/07/2019 09:26

Im in quite a pickle. I'm backpacking around the world and due to be out until November. Las wet year I broke up with someone I love with my whole heart and just before I left we rekindled. He doesn't want children and is brilliant but erratic. I fooled myself for years thinking this may change.

There was an unsaid understanding that I may hook up with other people as I'm away so long but also that we will be together when I'm home around Christmas.

A few weeks ago I met an amazing man from England (northern, unlike me). He wants all I want, he's dependable smart and great. It's a headfuck and I've just found out I'm now pregnant despite protection. I'm 31 with my own house and income, but holy hell what the actual F am I going to do on so many counts?! My mind is scrambled. Please no judgment just advice.

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 08/07/2019 09:59

What does the potential Dad have to say?

He sounds better than your 'partner' if he's up for a relationship/being a dad.

toffeeapple123 · 08/07/2019 10:09

Important to consider OP has known potential Dad for just a few weeks.

pusspuss9 · 08/07/2019 10:19

If it were me I would be seriously considering an abortion.

Missingstreetlife · 08/07/2019 10:35

Take a day or two to think about it, then decide whether to tell the dad. One step at a time. Tell your old flame after you decide if you wish.

Original poster
otterturk · 08/07/2019 11:22

Dad knows. He's 100% supportive. I know it's a few weeks hence asking strangers for advice ! I will not have a termination. I'm 31 and financially secure and I've had one before. I just really want some sort of guidance / reassurance / support. We both have solid support networks and as I said I own my London 2 bed. Just mind boggled.

I am very much in love with ex. But I also know it would never work and I may lose my childbearing years hoping he changes his mind.

OP posts:
Sassypants82 · 08/07/2019 11:43

Can you imagine a future with baby's father? Had you plans to see him again prior to finding out you're pregnant?

PlinkPlink · 08/07/2019 11:43

You need to move on from the ex (easier said than done). Instability is not what you or baby need.

Do you know whose it is? I'm guessing Northern man, if I read your post right?

You could tell him. But you don't have to.

In the absence of either of those people, how do you feel about raising baby by yourself? You can totally do it. You have a house, a stable income. Sounds like your dad would help too.

I think you're just looking for someone to say do it. Be brave, you can do this. It will be hard but also amazing.

I'm not on my own but I can hands down say that having a baby has been the most thrilling, exciting, terrifying and wonderful things I've ever done. OH and I had only been together 7 months when I found out so a bit early on to say the least 😂

PlinkPlink · 08/07/2019 11:44

Nope sorry read that wrong about the Dad/your Dad 🙈

What would your parents say? Would they be supportive? Would you have any other support from friends and family?

PicsInRed · 08/07/2019 11:51

Don't financially entangled yourself with new fella. Take it VERY slow, I wouldn't even put him on the birth certificate and do please give child your own surname (his reaction to those things alone will be informative). Let him prove himself - remember that you dont know him at all. You are the only one you KNOW will be there and providing/caring for this child through the next 18+ years.

Anyone can seem nice for a few hours.

Original poster
otterturk · 08/07/2019 12:39

Child will have my surname already agreed. The dad is on board. My own father is awesome and will be over by the moon. We both have strong support networks of family and friends.

@plink you're right I just want someone to tell me it's ok and go for it

OP posts:
FuriousVexation · 08/07/2019 12:57

So the whole thing you wanted from this thread was cheerleaders?

"Woo go you"

Feelingwalkedover · 08/07/2019 13:00

Did you not use protection? Were you hoping to get pregnant?

BobTheFishermansWife · 08/07/2019 13:01

If you want this baby, then do it. Sounds like you're situation is workable.

mimibunz · 08/07/2019 13:01

So many unplanned pregnancies lately. If MN is representative of the population in general it’s no wonder there are so many single parents and skewed contraceptive statistics.

Original poster
otterturk · 08/07/2019 13:03

@furiousvexation don't be a dick, this isn't AIBU.

I used a condom and I'm on the pill so no, this wasn't planned, I'm just very scared and wanted a bit of hand holding.

Christ alive.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 08/07/2019 13:16

Forget the ex ..he sounds flaky and unreliable. He does not sound like a good long term prospect.

Stripyhoglets · 08/07/2019 13:24

If you want children and you may never have them with ex - then you know you are doing the right thing. Ultimately you can't keep your promise to ex - but he wasn't providing what you really want from life anyway. Rather inconvenient timing but you sound like you can do this anyway on your own if you need to

inlectorecumbit · 08/07/2019 13:27

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Scary but doable with or without a partner as it seems you will have support back home.
Forget the ex - move on while you have this break and a chance of something different and perhaps better.

carly2803 · 08/07/2019 13:33

go for it. lifes too short to be wasting your time with your ex!

enjoy the pregnancy

Moralitym1n1 · 08/07/2019 13:39

Seems like you should give it a go with the dad but I do agree with this;

Don't financially entangled yourself with new fella. Take it VERY slow, I wouldn't even put him on the birth certificate and do please give child your own surname (his reaction to those things alone will be informative). Let him prove himself - remember that you dont know him at all. You are the only one you KNOW will be there and providing/caring for this child through the next 18+ years.

Anyway, congratulations - babies are v hard work but also very wonderful.

You'd never have had a child/children (at least willingly) with your ex. Now you're going to have a child ) and I really hope things work out with the dad but if they do t it's not the end of the world).

Moralitym1n1 · 08/07/2019 13:41

.. but erratic. I fooled myself for years thinking this may change

Sounds like you have it a chance (many chances in fact) for quite some time; he doesn't sound like good relationship material. This is a good thing for you and your life, it's a move forward. Don't get dragged back in with him.

Moralitym1n1 · 08/07/2019 13:42

*gave

Morgan12 · 08/07/2019 13:42

You know what, everything happens for a reason. It sounds like the baby will have alot of people who love them and will be there for them.

Forgot your ex. You have no more time for him to be messing you around now that someone much more important than any of you is on the way. Focus on the baby and enjoy the pregnancy.

Good luck and congratulations Flowers

SickOfBeingFat · 08/07/2019 13:47

Go for it, OP!

Discombobulated47 · 08/07/2019 13:48

Do you want the baby? The rest will fall into place. I've been there. My son turned 21 at the weekend Flowers

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