Support where you least expect it

[Mylifestartstoday]

My husband has been having a long term affair, and has left us in a mess. After a very difficult week, I’ve found support from people I would never have expected it from.
People have been so kind, especially on here, we’ve had a fairly good day today. Been out with an old friend for drinks, and we’re feeling positive. I’m still reeling from what he’s done, and I’m taking each day as it comes

I’m happy you are receiving support. I hope you seek good legal advice.

I did have a thread but was scared someone could be reading it and know my password. Legal advice is top of my list, I had half hour free but the ex has a SHL and I feel I need more expert advice.
I have had more help from random people/aquaintences that him or his family.

Yes, I know which thread.

If you know any lawyers, or have friends who do, ask them for recommendations for a lawyer.

PS. I suggest you ask to have your last post on that thread deleted. Provide a link here.

@Winterlife. You can tell I’m green! I’m so bloody clueless!

That’s ok, Mylife. Here’s a link for other posters. I’ll have it withdrawn once this thread gets going.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3625387-Husband-having-affair?msgid=88382369#88382369

You are one day closer to your new normal. Well done.

Today started off not great but as the day has gone on we’re ok. Had to go to the council offices about council tax and tomorrow it’s a meeting about benefits.
He’s started messaging the girls (after advice from his solicitor on how to ‘win’ them over.) He said to one of them that they were always his priority to which she replied “apart from when you cheated on my mum and spent all our money on her etc”. No response to that. My poor children, my heart breaks for them.
Another day nearly over.

Your other thread is still up, I found you easily enough so the other person could if they have checked your emails. It is only your comment that is deleted.

Do you really think the texting is on his solicitor’s advice? I assume as big a prick as he is, he does want a relationship with his children?

@Winterlife he hasn’t messaged them or contacted them since he left. In emails to me he doesn’t ask after them, it’s all about how he doesn’t know what he wants. I think he’s ashamed

Well you know him, I don’t. He may have been ashamed of his children finding out, and learning he has feet of clay. However most men in that predicament are not ashamed. They are saddened at being discovered and losing their comfortable life.

Hi Op , just wanted to say you are very impressive , he on the other hand has proven to be a spineless toad. You only think he has a SHL because he has said this to you (I’m guessing) , he is doing this to intimidate you .
Shop around for solicitors , I think you’ll get much better advice from someone else. Also there was some advice that someone mentioned about exploring interest free mortgage options although I’d talk that through with your solicitor and not make any rash decisions.

Take one day at a time and remember you’re not at fault , this is his defective character.

I also echo what someone else said about reporting the texts for harassment , you absolutely shouldn’t put up with this. What a gobshite.
It is rather telling though, she must feel quite insecure to want to ensure she puts the final nail in the coffin. Very interesting indeed. If I were you I’d feel smug about this as the cracks are already starting to show.

And please don’t take him back . It doesn’t matter what he wants anymore. He’s shown you how uncaring he can really be (with withdrawing all the money) remember all these things as men like this never change
You are worth 100 of him and he knows it! Cut him off and only talk to him via a solicitor if you can possibly help it .
Sending you strength 💛

I read your last thread, but didn't comment.

I've been through similar and although I am not disabled, I did not work due to both DC having disabilities. It makes you feel extremely vulnerable having relied on their income for everything.

I just wanted to say that you will get at least 50% of the pension from the marriage date. You cannot get it as cash, but it will be signed over to you and you can access it the same as he can when the qualifying age is reached. I was able to offset some of my share of the pension against the equity in the house. So he got a larger pension, but I got the house with the mortgage paid off. Is there any equity at all in your house?

Also, I wanted to ask if he has actually said he will stop paying the school fees? If he wants to keep a good relationship with the DC, won't he pay until they finish school? He will still have the same income therefore should be able to pay it.
I'm assuming he must be a high earner to be paying for 2 DC to go to private school. But of course, he may not be reasonable and do the right thing.

It always amazes me how these cheaters see leaving their DWs as a cost cutting exercise to the detriment of their own DC. I don't know why it still surprises me, but it does.

I would never take him back, as much as it hurts like hell. I could probably have forgiven the sex, it’s the other deceit such as taking her on days away when he should have taken a days holiday to spend with our children, the money, spending our money on Xmas presents for her, meeting her child, going to a wedding with her. I can’t forgive that. He has shown no remorse, only started contacting his children after speaking to a solicitor.
His dad is just as bad. I asked his dad if perhaps my ex needed to get some help as his behaviour is out of character. I got told ‘there’s nothing like that in our family’. Straight out of Victorian era. His dad also said I just needed things to settle and everything would be ok, and my ex is ‘shell shocked’. I had to bite my tongue.

Its all my fault. I was constantly on at him, nothing he did was ever good enough for me. He started talking to her at work and one thing led to another. He would never have looked at her, if only I was a better wife and not constantly on at him. The story according to my ex. 18 months of him living a double life, but it’s my fault.

Mylifestartstoday was on your previous thread.

Of course he's going to blame you to absolve himself of any feeling of guilt for what he's done. It's not your fault, OW turned his head, carrying out an affair over 18 months, you found out and threw him out, perhaps he didn't intend to leave when he did and hoped to carry on with his double life.

Does he know about the hurtful harrassing messages from a very insecure OW.

@KeziaOAP. Yes he know, he says it’s not her, but it really can’t be anyone else. I’ve blocked them now, I did t before because I wanted to know info that would help me. They’ve served their purpose so blocked. I think he thinks I’m making it up because he said he was going to contact the police, fine fill your boots but your spare time might be better spent putting food in your children’s bellies. I can just imagine the call to the police “hello, I’d like to report my wife getting messages pertaining to my affair with another woman, giving her info I don’t want her to have”. Police would laugh at him

So instead of telling you he felt frustrated/neglected/unhappy, he decided the best course of action was to stick his penis into another (married) woman. LOL.

Have you had chance to speak to another solicitor OP? 💛

@Lefty1. Met a great solicitor today. She had the measure of him. All solicitors are expensive, but I need her.
I’ve had a call from him tonight. He got extremely verbally abusive, shouting and raging at me accusing me of stealing his money?! Accusing me of alienating his children, the affair was my fault. All the usual guff.
Unfortunately, the eldest daughter heard him (the whole car park heard him) she took the phone off me and told him she didn’t want to see him or speak to him, I wasn’t forcing her and it was her decision. I was so proud of her, she handled it really well, but very sad too that she had to hear him raging.
I’ve blocked him on my phone and emailed him that I will only correspond via email due to his aggression.
I’m so angry but so, so sad. This isn’t the husband I’ve been with for nearly 20 years.
I went to benefits and I won’t get any benefits until end of August. Benefits lady suggested the food bank. Exh proceeded to tell me I’ve stolen all his money, and if I have to use a food bank that’s my fault. I took some money when he got paid to buy food and fuel. I left him some too, obviously not as much as I took because I’ve got the girls and the dogs to feed. So very sad tonight.

So it’s all right for him to clean out the account but you taking money is not allowed? What a prince!

I would make a note of this for your solicitor. Always be rational and polite in dealing with him. Let him be as unreasonable and abusive as he wishes.

The abuse, I assume, is to wear you down in divorce. He doesn’t want to pay what he should be paying to support his family, particularly his children. Plus, he also needs to keep the mistress financially happy. Be prepared for him to close his account so you can’t access funds again.