I don't think I want to reconcile

[cheerup]

My husband of 14 years cheated on me for a month last year and denied it. The truth came out in May and I've been trying to work out what I want since then. He is doing all the right things but it is like something has snapped inside me. I am happier when he is not around, dont want to be intimate or to talk about the future together when I'm not sure there is one. He keeps telling me he loves me but I dont feel anything. We have two children - late primary/secondary age. I know I can do it on my own but do I really want to or is this just a painful stage I can work through. I take my vows seriously and want what's best for the kids. Although he says he was unhappy he has now realised he would be unhappier without me. Trouble is I now think I might be happier without him. I feel like the responsibility to decide sits with me and what's best for me isn't best for everyone else. I don't want to be a martyr or to make a decision in the heat of the moment that turns out to be wrong. The more he tries to get close and reconcile the more I want to pull away.

Listen to your instincts
If you don't want to be around him or forgive him then start making steps to separate.

I think you should try looking at it differently.
Kids know when their parents are unhappy. You do not need to sacrifice your peace of mind nor take responsibility for a situation you did not create.
I had a couple of friends who parents divorced the minute they got to 18. Parents said "We stayed together for you". Said friends just felt terrible and that their childhood was a burdensome lie.

I think you know.... He says what HE wants. What is he doing about what YOU want? Does he know what you want? Do you know what you want? If you're anything like me, you've been running around after everyone else for so long, you haven't had a chance to even think about it for years. Now you do.... Is he in that picture? Why? Why not? (I am having similar feelings..... different reason/same result)

He went to see if the grass was greener and it wasn’t so now he wants to stay with you. Like others have said, think about what you want and need because he has been doing that all along with no regards for your or your kids’ feelings.

Your kids will benefit most from having a happy mum. If that means you split from their father then so be it.

It’s time for you to take control of your future now. You know the facts, listen to your instincts and take your future by the horns!

If he's killed your feelings for him, then that's it, surely? He did this, not you.

The chances are high, however sorry he is right now, that once complacent again, he'd be likely to cheat again.

And after reading many of these forums, the chances are pretty high that he will become complacent if you do take him back. (Not necessarily cheat on you, but land straight back into the same old flight path of boringness)

When all trust has gone in a relationship, there's nothing left to salvage except yourself.
Get some counselling to help YOU work out what you want. Your children need to see you being strong, authentic and determined whatever you decide to do. You are the most important role model for them right now.
And trust your instincts.

This isn't about whether you take your vows seriously or not - he didn't, that's done.

In my view this isn't even really about you making a choice - it's you working out and realising how you are going to react to a choice he made. It might not feel like that because there's been a time lag between his actions and your feelings now, but they're still a direct correlation!

Like PP have said - happy parents make the best parents, even if not together. Sorry he did this.

You might have had a chance at genuine reconciliation if he had come clean about his cheating of his own accord, or given full disclosure once he was discovered. I have never seen things end well when the truth has had to be prised out of the cheater because it demonstrates lack of remorse. Everything he's doing "right" at the moment is self preservation only because he doesn't want to feel the repercussions of his actions. The time for doing all the right things was last year when you were the one feeling the pain, not him. I promise you if you take him back it won't end well.

OP, he broke yere vows, not you.

Once broken, you are not obligated to remain.

He's very clear about what he wants. Big deal. He's all about what he wants.

You need to focus on you and what you want.

He SHOULD be all about how he wants to fix what HE broke.

Great that you feel you can do it on your own.

Trust is such a delicate thing.

When someone breaks it, lies etc.

I honestly don't know how it can be regained.

Happy parents help children to be happy too.

Forget about him and focus your energy on deciding what you want.

And tell him that's what you are doing.

What he wants at this point is not your priority.

My mum cheated on my dad when my brother and I were 12 & 14. Dad stayed with my mum for “the sake of the children”

But all through our childhood, my parents were unhappy. They barely spoke to each other & when they did, they were passive aggressive. To try keep the peace/keep himself sane, dad got a job abroad which saw him away 25% of the year.

Once we finished high school, my parents divorced. Both were so much happier.

I wish they’d divorced or separated sooner as it caused a huge amount of stress for most of my childhood. It affected things like my exams and not wanting to invite my friends over when both parents were home. The atmosphere was just shit. Children pick up on emotions and my brother and I still talk about how crap those days were.

If you’re happier without your husband, then leave him. Or at least do a trial separation. Rent a house for you and the kids for a few months. Be honest with your children and tell them what’s happened. Trust me, your children will be fine. Kids are resilient.

Don’t try and play happy families. Your children are old enough to see right through it and will respect you for being honest.

Thank you all. I think I needed the reminder that once the vows have been broken I'm not obligated to remain. I'm having counselling and am very much focused on establishing what I want. I would like a trial separation but it's currently difficult for a variety of practical reasons and there is absolutely no way I am moving me and the kids out of our home even on a temporary basis.

Could your husband find alternative accommodation for a period of time? It will give you the space needed to process everything. All the best, OP.

Maybe you need to ask him to leave for a while so you can get your head together to have a chance to see what you want.

You say you take your vows seriously, and I get that because I am the same. Marriage vows really mean something to me too.

Your husband, on the other hand, has broken his vows. He obviously doesn't take them as seriously as you do. Once the vows have been broken you are under no obligation to remain. He has caused this mess, not you.

So it's up to you what you do, of course. Just don't feel like you have to stay for the sake of those vows. You owe him nothing now.

I think, if you stay with him, you'll look back in 10 or 20 years time and regret the wasted time. Follow your gut.

He's cheated once, he could very well do it again and you deserve better from a partner who, clearly, didn't take your vows seriously.

The finality of it is scary, but we really do only live once - is this good enough for your one life?

I envy you having a choice. You are young enough to start over. I am not.
I think you sound like me .I took my vows seriously and DH broke them. No matter my future, I don't think I will EVER feel the same again.
Absolutely do not move out of your home. He has to go. I think you will know pretty soon how much happier you are.
Life is too precious to waste with someone who disrespect you , your marriage and your family life. The DCs will ultimately understand. And if you can stay civil and indifferent to him, they will be OK again.

I'm not sure I'm doing very well at the civility thing. Mostly it's ok but I keep having angry outbursts when the kids aren't around. He lost his job (as a result of the infidelity) and has no savings so I would have to pay for him to go anywhere until he finds another one. It's in my interests for him to get a decent job rather than just any job and I also need him to be around for the children over the summer holidays so moving him out right now doesn't make sense even though it's what I want. I am really struggling to see how I'm going to manage going forward. I'm not going to do it, but on a practical basis it really would be easier for me to be the one that moves out. He is more domestic, I'm the higher earner. I like(d) my life, I don't want to have to compromise the career that I've worked hard to build. I didn't make this mess.

There’s no rush for you to make a decision, you’re decision can be that for the moment you are going to sit tight whilst it’s easier for you practically for him to be around. I’m in the same position as you. At the moment I don’t have the mental capacity to start again on my own, so it’s more convenient for him to stay. I’m further along than you so have come past the frequent angry outburst, don’t get me wrong they still happen, to where I decided that if I was going to let him stick around then I needed to detach from him emotionally, that way I can get through this mess at the moment. Xx

I want him out of the house but I can't force or afford to pay him to go. I need to step this up a bit- its shit, why do I feel guilty and not just go to the solicitors? I look forward to the morning so I can go to work and get away. How does it work if I want to buy him out of the house? Does this have to be done as part of divorce?

An update from me. I am increasingly sure I want separation. Well, what I actually want is a divorce but I think we should give that some time just in case

I'm seeing other people very casually and I think he is doing the same despite his protestations that it's only me he wants. We live in the same house but separately. I don't enjoy his company and would rather not have to deal with him.

The children are ok. I'm ok when I'm not near him or having to think about him. He is sad and that makes me feel guilty as although I didn't get us here, its me who won't try. I simply don't want to. Is that selfish after so long? I'm currently on holiday alone with the kids. What was supposed to be our family holiday. He says he missed us but I don't miss him and can't say that I do.

Sounds so tough for you

Has he got a job yet? Any chance of him being able to move out soon?

Have you seen a solicitor? That’s really the next step. You sound like you know what you want. That’s not at all selfish. He did this. You are not obliged to keep trying with a cheater.

He says he has. Starting in Sept. So he can a least start looking to move out by the end of the month when he gets paid. The fact that I'm effectively having to support him is not making this any easier. I flip-flop between pity and resentment which is hardly a basis for a friendship let alone a marriage. He keeps asking if there might be a chance in six months. I say I don't know but I think I probably do but struggle with the finality of it.