I don't think I want to reconcile

[cheerup]

My husband of 14 years cheated on me for a month last year and denied it. The truth came out in May and I've been trying to work out what I want since then. He is doing all the right things but it is like something has snapped inside me. I am happier when he is not around, dont want to be intimate or to talk about the future together when I'm not sure there is one. He keeps telling me he loves me but I dont feel anything. We have two children - late primary/secondary age. I know I can do it on my own but do I really want to or is this just a painful stage I can work through. I take my vows seriously and want what's best for the kids. Although he says he was unhappy he has now realised he would be unhappier without me. Trouble is I now think I might be happier without him. I feel like the responsibility to decide sits with me and what's best for me isn't best for everyone else. I don't want to be a martyr or to make a decision in the heat of the moment that turns out to be wrong. The more he tries to get close and reconcile the more I want to pull away.

I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. His behaviour changed the ways to see him, destroyed trust and made you realise that you would be happier without him. Have you discussed separating with him?

However, personally I dont think that seeing other people at this stage is a good idea. Maybe you are doing it to figure out your feelings but that's not really fair on them? What if he or your children found out, how would that change things? It sounds to me like you would be better focusing on how to leave your marriage if that is what you want without muddying the waters by having affairs (which if you're married is what you're doing and you did say you take your vows seriously).

The fact that you think he is seeing other people says to me that there is no trust left at all. I wpuld be focusing your energy on how to separate. As others have said, children will be happier in the long run if you separate than stay in this dysfunctional marriage.

Have you considered marriage counseling, even if you know you want out if might help both of you to understand each other and yourselves better and reach a point where you can separate without acrimony.

Thanks all. KingaRoo - all valid.

I am now having affairs I guess although in my defence I have been absolutely up front about where I am at and told him that I'm doing it. It is helping me feel stronger (right or wrong, i feel empowered by the fact that I am desired by other men even if it is purely physical) and distracting. However you are right I should be concentrating on properly ending my marriage.

I've had counselling, he's had counselling and I'm reluctant to spend even more money on 'us' when I no longer want there to be an 'us'. Would be better spent on a solicitor at this stage. I'm just delaying the inevitable. It's all so hard and complicated and I'm hiding in my distractions.

Time to remove my head from the sand.

Yes. Sorry for your situation, it's awful and I feel sad for you. However, for the sake of your children and both of your happiness I think you just need to get on with separating. It is sad and I guess that might be why you are finding it hard to face but I bet you will be so much happier free and on your own.

Is he amenable to leaving you and the kids in the house where you are? Have you looked into what childcare you would need?

I think so although obviously as things progress and our interests no longer align that might change.

Childcare is tricky. They are going into Y9 and Y6 so don't just really need someone on hand rather than being childminded. I should be able to make it work with breakfast club for the youngest and then tweaking my hours/WFH/after school club.

He will have to do half the holidays, at least next year. My mum was a single parent and my Dad no practical help so I know its doable but also that it can be hard.

Courage!

I remember feeling like this years ago when me and my ex split up so many practical things to think about and sort but these matters do get sorted and life will be infinitely better. Your dc will be picking up on the atmosphere and will know you're not happy. Would you be able to buy him out of the house ?

I should be able too. Need to work it all out. I put all the deposit and renovation monies in although we've paid the mortgage jointly and there's no agreement in place. So I'll have to hope he will be reasonable and not seek to get out more than he put in. Also we borrowed money from my mum for a loft conversion that I'm paying back. So much to figure out, it's hard to know where to start.

I understand how you feel. In my 1st marriage many many moons ago, even though I was the one who chose to separate, (was only 28) I threw myself into meeting other guys way way too quickly, partly I think as a distraction from the shittiness of separation. All I can say OP is it really muddies the waters and you can easily make some very bad judgement calls when your mind is in turmoil with it all . I ended up living with a total cocklodger for 4 years (a charming one though) and was hard to get out of!!

Many yet ago, I left my first H, aged 20, with PFB under one arm and a bag of books under the other.
About the only thing I remember clearly from then is my best friend saying "by Christmas you'll be ok. Sort stuff out step by step"
It sounds a bit trite now, but she was right, and I had no job, no money, no support, and went to a refuge.
You can do whatever you need to do, and it WILL be alright, honestly.