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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What were your green flags?

62 replies

Bobbiepin · 07/07/2019 07:04

We all talk about 'red flags' in relationships, but what were your green flags (things that made you think you had a keeper)

I'll start - my DH used to drive halfway across the country to see me almost every weekend for two years but also gave me a piggy back home after a night out rather than let me walk barefoot. He fed me chips the whole way!

OP posts:

Pipandmum · 07/07/2019 07:09

I’ll use my son: he’s 15 first proper girlfriend. She lives a couple miles away. He’ll cycle over ‘just to give her a hug’ and be back in half an hour, especially when they were revising for their GCSEs. If he orders Dominos he’ll get her cookies and drop them in where she’s working. So sweet!

BillywilliamV · 07/07/2019 07:13

We had to look after my Mum’s cat at his house a few months into our relationship. He spent twenty minutes patiently sat, crosslegged in front of her cat carrier trying to tempt her out with a piece of chicken!

georgialondon · 07/07/2019 07:15

One of the first green flags was when he went into the horrific loos at a festival ahead of me and cleaned the whole loo seat with wipes and tissues so I could use a clean loo.

Wherearemyminions · 07/07/2019 07:19

I had complications following a routine gynae op and ended up in A&E, was left on a trolley in a terrible mess after internal exam. He went and got water and conti wipes, cleaned me up and got me into clean pants and sanitary towel.

Giraffeinabox · 07/07/2019 07:21

DH used to walk up the hill after finishing work late just to give me a cuddle. He'd walk me home from village pub no matter what time even thoigh he was going the other way. He sent flowers to work (cringe!). I never went a day wothout laughing. All his friends, colleagues, anyone you would mention his name to had a story about how he had helped them out. No one ever had a bad word to say about him!

Thesuzle · 07/07/2019 07:26

The small random acts of kindness i experienced and saw my then boyfriend do,
My dad staying to my mum but i heard, ‘she’s got a good one there “
(Dad, matcho but very loving to my mum and us)
He’s proved to be a gentleman

Original poster

Bobbiepin · 07/07/2019 07:29

Oh these are lovely! @Pipandmum your son sounds like a lovely young man. You've evidently set a good example for him. Dominoes cookies are delicious!

@Wherearemyminions you get to know someone's true self when you/they are at your most vulnerable. I'm pleased to hear you were so well looked after.

OP posts:

WhichWayForward · 07/07/2019 07:31

What a lovely thread!

CuckooSings · 07/07/2019 07:35

DH and I had been dating for 6 weeks and he obviously hadn't met my 2 children then aged 2 and 6 months. Plan was for my folks to babysit, he'd pick me up and we'd go out for a meal. Only the littlest got chicken pox and in an enforced poorly child bubble I lost track of the days. So DH knocked and I opened the door looking horrific as I had not slept or bathed in about 4 days with a wailing spotty baby in my arms and a wingy toddler at my feet. DH said not to worry and asked if he could nip to the loo and while I went into my room to feed both kids cleaned the house and cooked me fresh veggie soup. I nearly cried in gratitude! I'd got the toddler to sleep so he paced with the baby so I could eat then left. While he then didn't meet the kids for awhile and we took things slow for their sake I knew that night he was one to hang onto.

Decormad38 · 07/07/2019 07:37

The tenderness he showed my mum when she was in an early stage of dementia ( but we didn't know it).

MsTSwift · 07/07/2019 07:38

Too many to mention. My lovely sis a sahm of 3 under 6 and was asked by a friend to go on a girls trip skiing which she loves as friend of a friend had apartment. Moneys abit tight for them her and her dh had a spread sheet of how to cut costs to pay for flight. On the way home dh said he couldn’t bear it and the spreadsheet broke his heart and he paid for the whole thing

BraveGoldie · 07/07/2019 07:41

A few weeks into the relationship, I fell off my bike and badly hurt my arm. I called him and he stopped what he was doing, jumped into his car, drove 90 mins to my house, helped me bathe, shampooing and conditioning my hair which was coated in mud, and combing it and drying it, oh so gently, Dressed my cuts, Before cooking a meal, calling my mum to update her and finally helping me into bed, before going to fix my bike and tidy the house.

Original poster

Bobbiepin · 07/07/2019 07:48

All so lovely!

@CuckooSings anyone who cleans and cooks is a keeper in my book! Are you still together? Sounds like a decent guy.

OP posts:

MoobaaMoobaa · 07/07/2019 08:42

This may seem odd and extreme, but it made me see life differently.

When I met DH I had bouts of self destructive behaviour and depression, I'd been through some abuse and unhealthy relationships. I manage to come across pretty stable and normal though.

I moved in with him after the 1st date and about a week later, we were out and I got shit faced on whiskey Which started my depressive self destructive behaviour off. As we left to walk home I was sparing for a fight with him, I was aggressive, nasty and just wanted and out and out argument. I was angry(but not at him) but made it about him, I was out to push all the buttons for an explosive reaction.

The reaction never came, he just helped me staggar home, didn't even patronize me, belittle me or laugh at me. nothing. by the time we were home I was feeling tired and sick. he just tucked me into bed, whilst I still called him all the names under the sun.

I woke the next morning fully expecting us to be over and ready to storm out with my bags. He just made me a cuppa tea and asked how I was. This threw me right off balance as I was so use to how things would normally pan out on my well worn path.

I never did it again. It was like subconsciously I finally felt secure. It changed my life. I was talking to my brother on the phone a few days later, and he wouldn't believe I hadn't taken anything, because I sounded happy and conversation was lively, it was so out of character for me.

I know my behaviour then was abusive and I'd tell any woman (or man) on the receiving end of that kind of behaviour to run a mile.

Rainandspirit · 07/07/2019 10:01

I knew DH was the one when he missed football training to come visit me in hospital after having my tonsillitis out😂😂 he even brought flowers. We were only going out about 5months.

katmarie · 07/07/2019 10:14

Little things, he put a note in a packed lunch he made me, which made me smile. If I said I liked a particular food or drink, next time i came over it would be there in the fridge. Asking what toothpaste I preferred and switching to it. And just constantly, calmly being there for me.

GrassIsntGreener · 07/07/2019 10:16

@MoobaaMoobaa That's a lovely story, so glad you found him.

pudding21 · 07/07/2019 10:33

I think a massive green flag for me is the ability not to judge, accept at different times you have different needs and you adapt to them. Unconditional support that they are on your side, and they really "see" you. I think to find someone like that you need to be on the same pge and agree to have a conscious relationship. www.mindbodygreen.com/0-21277/the-4-qualities-of-a-conscious-relationship.html

MsTSwift · 07/07/2019 11:00

Having lots of normal intelligent women as friends. Dh friends from his university course were the women I would have been friends with. Sees women as people which is weirdly rare

Soopermum1 · 07/07/2019 11:21

He's an atheist, but from a Catholic background. He comes to Mass with me and DD every week to support me (she's a nightmare in Mass.)

nevernotstruggling · 07/07/2019 11:24

These are lovely.

@Giraffeinabox you write like it's past tense?

BlueJava · 07/07/2019 11:25

We were walking down a steep hill (in San Francisco) there was an old lady also walking down with her friend. As we passed he said to her "Excuse me your shoe lace is undone" but she couldn't bend down and do it up, so he knelt on the pavement and did it for her. Then walked on like nothing had happened.

Pomgirl · 07/07/2019 11:26

Hard worker. Very generous. Treats his mum right. Kind. Always call me on the way home from the pub pissed lol he is a good egg years later...

LittleDoll · 07/07/2019 11:29

He didnt slag off his ex or go straight in with stories of her abuse even though she is abusive and at times the stereotypical "crazy ex".

MaMisled · 07/07/2019 11:36

Firstly, the way he was with his children, who were friends with mine. Very attractive to see a man enjoying his children and taking great care of them. Secondly, the way he treated my children. They loved him from the start. Thirdly, 2 months in, he had a weeks work a 6 hour drive away, over my birthday. He surprised me at midnight, for literally a 10 minute coffee, then drove 6 hours back to start work at 8am! 18 years later, hes still amazing.

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