What were your green flags?

[Bobbiepin]

We all talk about 'red flags' in relationships, but what were your green flags (things that made you think you had a keeper)

I'll start - my DH used to drive halfway across the country to see me almost every weekend for two years but also gave me a piggy back home after a night out rather than let me walk barefoot. He fed me chips the whole way!

He took my cat in when I had to move back to my parents after a failed marriage.

He saves me some of his drink because he knows I drink mine too fast.

He knows my hands aren't strong enough anymore to open cans or bottles (health related, not age!) so will do them without me even asking.

He knows when I'm in pain and will silently bring my tablets with water.

He is just the nicest man and I have no idea what I'd do without him.

I just wanted to put it out there that not all green flags are really that. Just incase there's another 'me' reading this who's wondering if their perfect partner is really as perfect as he seems.

Sadly, I think we do have to bear this in mind. I'm always wary of superficial charm but abusers are clever enough to go beyond the superficial and do some things that put themselves out, in order to hook you in.

I've started relying on animal instinct in a very literal way. My horse hated my last boyfriend who, whilst not abusive, wasn't particularly good for me. He thinks the current boyfriend is fine, as does the horse I have on loan. Between them they are a tough crowd. This is not a foolproof test, but it's a very good indication. Animals are good at spotting the discrepancies in body language that indicate something is off with someone.

Such heartwarming stories! Made me realise how cynical I have become There is love out there in the world.

Glad others have pointed out that not all decent, kind, loving behaviour is always what it seems. OP, my ex also used to make huge efforts to come and see me, it was usually him doing the travelling when we lived in different parts of the county and even abroad at one point. He seemed like the perfect boyfriend, was caring and loving and I couldn't fault him. But he turned out to be severely controlling and abusive, but not in a physical way, so the signs were harder to spot.

Now that I have DC, I will make absolutely sure that when they start having relationships that they understand how important personal boundaries are, what is acceptable behaviour and what is not, and that if their partners start displaying any of the typical abusers tactics: love bombing, followed by minor incidents of controlling behaviour - silent treatment, attempting to isolate them, putting them down etc. that they will recognise it and get out before it's too late.

And sorry OP, didn't mean to take the positivity away from your thread!

When sat on a train the way home from london & lots of people got on presuming we were going to a gig that they were going to & asking directions. My response was, sod going home, let's go to the gig & see if we can pick up tickets outside & he not only agreed, but thought I was amazing for being so spontaneous. Something that was an issue with other boring sod relationships. I think I told my aunt a few days later that I'd be marrying him if he kept it up. He did & we've now been together nearly 19 years

As someone new to dating after a 14-year break, I love this thread - both its celebrations and its cautions.

I too was with a supposed good guy with many green flags for the majority of my marriage but was blindsided when he abandoned me out of the blue last year. Looking back, the biggest retrospective red flag was his emotional unavailability and his associated terrible communication.

Anyway, been dating a (I think) good'n for 6 months now. Good signs are a) clear boundaries when it comes to involving our kids in the relationship; b) enthusiastic and loving approach to meeting our respective friends (seeing as intro-ing to our families is a no-go for now); c) reliability / being there / showing up (in all senses) when it's needed - though I'd like to think that would be a given; d) total and responsible emotional openness and articulateness.

He was kind to his mum and also to mine.

I just wanted to put it out there that not all green flags are really that. Just incase there's another 'me' reading this who's wondering if their perfect partner is really as perfect as he seems

Totally agree with this, even there, done that one & he turned out to be a psycho, which is probably why my green flags are more about compatible personality, than grand shows of affection

I was hungover in bed feeling sorry for myself. He went to the shops, bought ingredients for my favourite meal. Cooked it and brought it up to me in bed... along with a newspaper and magazines.

He introduced me to his friends and family quite early on and wasn't ashamed of me or our relationship.

He was happy to meet my family.

He didn't ever make me feel silly or stupid, even when I made a massive fool of myself and got very drunk with him and he had to look after me. My drunken declarations of love and of wanting babies etc after only having known him 4 months didn't scare him away and he didn't use them against me.

He kept his arrangements with me rather than dropping me for better offers.

He supported me through a cancer scare when we'd known each other less than a year.

He never sulked or stropped or tried to shut me up and never "punished" me for having my own opinions. He listened to my opinions and respected them, even if he disagreed.

The animal posts have also reminded. DHs calmness is lovely (my family are nice and loving but completely chaotic).

When we had been together about 8 months we went to a horse show camp connected to the livery yard he used. He ran out and calmed a very spooked pony and the terrified child who was riding it. It was only the riders second time jumping in a show (the jumps were pretty much on the floor) and I remembered being kind of awed by him jumping in, taking the reigns, soothing the pony and the child all in one go.
He even put the rider on his mums horse and very slowly walked him around the ring while making jokes later, just to help get his confidence back up (his mums horse was a steady and reliable mare).

One of the biggest green flags - we have yet to meet an animal that doesn't love him whether the feeling is mutual or not