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Original poster

Should we try for a baby?

35 replies

cheesychipsandbighips · 06/07/2019 10:31

I'm looking for some opinions based on my circumstances.

Have a ds7 from a previous relationship. Ex/his dad still on the scene, sees ds regularly. All good.

Been with my dp 3 years. Engaged and living together. Very happy. I am 34, he is 45. He has no kids.

He's never been overly bothered about having his own kids. I am not desperate for more but have always wanted a sibling for ds. I kind of get that jealous broody twang when I hear other people are pregnant and have never totally ruled the idea out. My relationship with ds dad was terrible and the pregnancy wasn't planned. We split up soon after ds was born. I have always wondered how it would be to have a family with someone i truly love.

Dp isn't against the idea but his age concerns him. We are also lucky enough to have lots of free time (EOW) when ds is at his dads meaning we get to have a nice lifestyle and some free time which would obviously be no more should another child enter the dynamic. We both work and have active social lives. There would also be quite a big age gap as ds is 8 this year.

Money wouldn't be an issue.

We are very happy as we are but I can't shake off the feeling something is missing. I don't think you should actively try for a baby unless you're both totally sure it's what you want. I guess I'm just looking for some perspective and other people's opinions and experience :)

OP posts:
AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet · 06/07/2019 12:32

Personally, I would.

You get a pang of envy when others announce pregnancies. That's telling you something!

You have both your ages to consider, so you don't have the luxury of waiting.

You want your son to have a sibling.

You're in a loving and committed relationship this time

It will be hard to give up your childfree weekends, but it's worth it for the joy a son or daughter will bring to your life.
And you'll have those days again, sometime in the future.

Sunsetsandcloudyskies · 06/07/2019 12:41

I wouldn’t, you want a sibling for your ds but there would be a massive age gap and so they wouldn’t be close anyway. You have an amazing relationship where you get lots of quality time and weekends off and no money worries.
You’re life style would change massively and would have to start all over with nappies, no free time, potty training, weening and then school runs. If your partner had wanted them then yes it would be a lovely idea but he with be in his 60s with a teenager at home and you in your 50s. Not for me but then everyone is different and you may find parenting a lot easier than I do and it may be the best thing ever

ranibowsprimkle · 06/07/2019 12:57

I have a similar age gap between my sibling and I and although we're close now we never felt like siblings growing up so I would be wary of having another baby just to give your ds a sibling.

That being said if you want another child anyway and you can manage it financially then and your partner agrees, then go for it.

Piggle23 · 06/07/2019 13:27

Just because you get jealous of something doesn't mean it's a good idea to follow that, ignore the poster above, worst advice ever.

MustardScreams · 06/07/2019 13:30

I wouldn’t. Especially if your DP isn’t all in. Babies are hard work and put a ton of pressure on a relationship. You sound like you have a lovely life now, is it worth risking that for a what if?

AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet · 06/07/2019 13:30

But in the OP's situation, why would having a baby be a bad idea? It sounds like they both want it Confused

Original poster
cheesychipsandbighips · 06/07/2019 14:42

Dp would be happy either way. He's never been particularly enthusiastic about it and he does enjoy his holidays and adult time. But he basically said that if we stop using contraception and see what happens then it wouldn't be a bad thing. Tbh our sex life is sparse anyway so I feel like if it did happen it would be by chance rather than actively trying.

Dp had a troublesome upbringing and I would love for him to understand the joy of being a parent. And I guess I feel I missed out on having the 'proper' family set up due to the situation with my ex. But maybe now it's too late to start again.

We do enjoy our free time and it would be strange going back to nappies and part time work. But I really feel like something is missing. It's very hard to make the right decision.

OP posts:
JustHavingASadDay · 06/07/2019 14:44

I wouldn’t, you want a sibling for your ds but there would be a massive age gap and so they wouldn’t be close anyway

That's nonsense. They'll be at different stages of their lives but no less likely to be close than siblings born closer in age.

FuriousVexation · 06/07/2019 14:47

Christ no.

I have always wondered how it would be to have a family with someone i truly love.

So this partner apparently says he'll have DC if you want, but doesn't actively want them.

I have always wondered how it would be to have a family with someone i truly love. 🤔

AnotherEmma · 06/07/2019 14:49

"He's never been overly bothered about having his own kids."

Don't push him into having a child then.

"Dp had a troublesome upbringing and I would love for him to understand the joy of being a parent."

WTF? You think that someone who had a troublesome upbringing is guaranteed to find parenting a "joy"? If you had any understanding or imagination you might consider that becoming a parent is likely to bring up complex memories and emotions from his childhood. He hasn't learned how to be a good parent and he might be terrified that he can't. He might want to do things differently from his own parents but it's going to be a learning process for him and probably a difficult one.

category12 · 06/07/2019 14:58

I would love for him to understand the joy of being a parent. But he may not experience what you experience. It might drag up a whole can of worms from his past. It's quite a rose-tint you have on your glasses.

You should try for a baby if you want to, but babies are grenades as often as boons to relationships.

thebogwitchisback · 06/07/2019 15:06

Personally no I wouldn't in your situation. Your dp is fairly ambivalent in either direction. If he hasn't expressed the real desire to have children then I wouldn't.

sincethereis · 06/07/2019 15:12

Does ur DP want to actually have children?

Having kids with a man who isn’t fully into is an unwise decision - just have a look at the relationships board

ukgift2016 · 06/07/2019 15:32

I am in a similar situation as you, I have a 7 year old and i am with a childless man.

However, my guy WANTS a child (more than me) I would have reserves about having a baby with a man who is meh about it. Babies are hard work and drive relationships apart, not together. Being with someone who is half in is a recipe for disaster.

Original poster
cheesychipsandbighips · 06/07/2019 15:58

@AnotherEmma There's really no need to be so rude about it is there. I haven't gone into details about it - there wasn't any trauma or anything. I'm not going into details but what I meant was that I know it would be good for him to have a biological family of his own. I feel like he would be a great dad and knowing him as I know him I feel he would totally find joy in it.

OP posts:
Original poster
cheesychipsandbighips · 06/07/2019 16:01

To add no he hasn't expressed a deep desire to have a child but he hasn't said no either. If it happened it wouldn't be a disaster for us and I know hed be ok with it. But yeah I guess you need to be fully committed to the idea which is another reason why I'm questioning it.

If he was dead against it he wouldn't have made the suggestion to come off contraception but I suppose he is probably a bit nervous and scared.

What I'm saying in a very roundabout way is if it happened I know we'd cope. It's just about making the right decision for us.

OP posts:
MrsMiggins37 · 06/07/2019 16:06

I think 45 is too old. Admittedly I’m female but there’s no chance on earth I’d want to start with a baby at this age.

ChuckleBuckles · 06/07/2019 16:08

I know it would be good for him to have a biological family of his own

Having a baby to heal the past is not a good idea in my opinion. It is also unfair on the child to be born with the job of healing a parent.

Seriously though has your partner had any type of help or counselling to deal with his past? An almighty can of worms may be opened down the line if he hasn't dealt with it.

PicsInRed · 06/07/2019 16:11

Having babies is like drinking tea - enthusiastic consent should be obtained, not consent by "oh gowangowangowangowan" until they reluctantly acquiesce and take a sip.

AnotherEmma · 06/07/2019 16:26

"I know it would be good for him to have a biological family of his own. I feel like he would be a great dad and knowing him as I know him I feel he would totally find joy in it."

How the hell do you know? What does he think?

It sounds as if you've made this decision for him. You need to ask him how he feels about it without pressuring him. It sounds as if he's not bothered and you've taken that to mean that he would be happy with a child, whereas I think it means he doesn't really want one. People who actually want a child actively, enthusiastically want one. If his heart isn't fully in it, there is a real risk that he will leave you to do all/most of the childcare, and that it will create problems in the relationship.

It sounds as if you're going to TTC anyway, as it's clearly what you want. Just don't say we didn't warn you.

TeaForTheWin · 06/07/2019 16:29

No. 'Something is missing' is not fixed by having more children. Considering he doesn't seem to enthusiastic about it either already, how much use do you think he will be when baby arrives?

Wait until you have married him and been married a couple of years without issue, then maybe. At least you'll know then that the 'something missing' feeling isn't due to a relationship issue.

Original poster
cheesychipsandbighips · 06/07/2019 16:37

@TeaForTheWin I guess the issue is with our ages we don't have the luxury of waiting too long.

Of course I have spoken to him about it @AnotherEmma - you seem to think you know more about his feelings than I do 😂😂

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 06/07/2019 16:39

Obviously not, no!
It might just be the way you've worded your posts, but it's all "I know" and not "he said" "he wants" "he thinks".

MrsGrindah · 06/07/2019 16:45

if he was dead against it he wouldn't have made the suggestion to come off contraception but I suppose he is probably a bit nervous and scared.

Thousands of women have had this type of response only to be told later down the line that “I never wanted kids..it was you that wanted this” . Are you prepared for that? If he really wanted a child he’d be the one driving the conversation.

TeaForTheWin · 06/07/2019 16:45

If it isn't the right time it isn't the right time, regardless of your biological clock or not. It's a kid, you don't bring it into the world unless you are sure it is the right thing to do and what he wants too. Neither of which are sounding like the case unfortunately.

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