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Original poster

Curious if being invited for a drink by opposite sex who is married is every just really being friendly?

69 replies

StarlightIntheNight · 06/07/2019 00:14

So Dh seems to think that one can invite someone of the opposite sex for a drink and this can be the person just being friendly. Perhaps I am not as social and this is a normal thing. Dc had a play date with a friend. Dc had this friend over once and so this makes two play dates. I said I would pick up dc at x time and the father suggested I should join for a glass of wine when I pick up. I was caught off guard and agreed, but after wondered if perhaps it would be weird. The wife is away. Anyway, so I mentioned to my dh to ask what he thought he seemed to think it was normal! However, I don't think I would be very happy if my dh did this. Curious on thoughts.

OP posts:
Sittinonthefloor · 06/07/2019 07:57

And refocusing on your question - if dh went pick up kids from someone we’d known for ages & had a drink while there, I wouldn’t think anything. If he set off to a new persons house for a planned glass of wine I would be Hmm .

LolaSmiles · 06/07/2019 07:59

It's completely fine.

The idea that men and women socialising together is a red flag is one of these MN worries that I don't understand.

StressToy · 06/07/2019 08:00

Agreed, @LolaSmiles.

CookPassBabtridge · 06/07/2019 08:12

This would be fine for me and welcome if I was a mum on a playdate!

PicsInRed · 06/07/2019 08:20

Yeah, your spidey senses are up about the whole thing, mine too. Notable that he's waited until the wife is away, funny that, and also that he's planned it rather than just offering a glass to be polite - as he has one - and have a wee chat when you arrive. Planning shows investment in outcome.

It's a no from me.

IntoValhalla · 06/07/2019 08:22

I dont think that’s weird at all.

One of my closest friends since childhood is a bloke. I’m married, he’s in a LTR, we both have kids and he will text out of the blue and just say “fancy coming for a drink”, if his partner is working and he’s bored at home.
Last time we did that, we sat and drank a 6 pack of Budweiser and watched Thor!

Whereissummerthisyear · 06/07/2019 08:28

Yes I agree that the fact it’s planned and he asked you in advance is a bit off, like it’s something he is looking forward to. Would he have done that if his wife was there?

In real life I would be friendly but probably would decline the wine.

Sheepdog100 · 06/07/2019 08:32

It wouldn’t bother me. Seems quite friendly to me.

icecreamsundae32 · 06/07/2019 08:33

I'd find it weird to be honest, not the fact that he's a man but the inviting you around for wine in advance and when his wife is away?

To be honest when I pick my kids up from a friend's house I never stop for a drink or loiter, I generally wait in the hall and say "come on hurry up let's let X get on with their evening" then thank them for having my child over and offer to have theirs over next week and leave. This would be the same no matter how long I've known them, I want to get home and relax myself lol maybe I'm just anti social or it's because I have other kids to get home to bed too but other parents do the same when they collect their kids from me. If the parent is a friend we would arrange to do something like go for a coffee, or lunch or dinner another time without the kids lol.

icecreamsundae32 · 06/07/2019 08:36

Oh and I have gone to lunch with a male dad before, we are both married, but it was harvester type place with a play area and we had our kids with us so it was totally friendly nothing suggestive haha so I'm not against male friends!

FriarTuck · 06/07/2019 08:37

Notable that he's waited until the wife is away, funny that, and also that he's planned it rather than just offering a glass to be polite - as he has one - and have a wee chat when you arrive. Planning shows investment in outcome.
Or maybe he thinks it would be nice to get to know you a bit more than a quick hello/bye in your capacity as the parent of his child's friend?! It's no different to his wife saying at a pick up 'oh you must come for a cup of tea and a chat next time'.

Original poster
StarlightIntheNight · 06/07/2019 08:49

Yes, it was pre arranged, but casual as it was a mentioned a few hours before over the phone. I barely know the parent. We have had a chat 2-3 times before that while at school activities or when bumping into each other. At first I wasn't sure about it, so mentioned to dh and he said it sounds completely normal, so I suggested he joined :) So he came along (surprise!). And it seemed all normal. Kids playing while adults chatted. I think if I went alone I would have felt slightly uncomfortable. However, perhaps I over thought it and people do these things. Its just in my experience in the past guys never just want to be friends. I had a few "guy friends" before who all disappeared so fast when I got a boyfriend and then eventually married. Or my friends would make comments about guys saying they are totally into me, when I assume they are just being nice etc (this is during single time). But maybe when you are married with kids, you can be friends with the opposite sex :)

I still have to say though, I would not want dh invited another mother that he barely knew over for a glass of wine at pick up when I am away....and actually, it would be really odd if he did! But then again, maybe its just our personalities...

Thanks for all the responses. And I am glad I brought dh along, as it made me feel more comfortable and also, perhaps we can all be friends...always nice to have more friends in the area.

OP posts:
Herefortheduration · 06/07/2019 08:51

Perfectly innocent I'd say. He's on his own, wife is away, probably thinks a wine and a char will fill some of the time, rather than taking it as an opportunity to flirt etc.

Original poster
StarlightIntheNight · 06/07/2019 08:54

FriarTuck I don't think he waited until his wife was away, as this was the first play date the kids had (and the wife told me to contact him to arrange it as she is away). However, I agree w the planning ahead, which is why I mentioned it to my dh...but my dh made me feel silly like the guy was just being friendly. However, my dh is very neutral and not the jealous type. I know some of my other friends dh who would probably not think it was normal (but different personalities I guess). The wife I don't think would ever suggest I stay for a glass of wine lol. She seems quite busy and away a lot. Does not seem interested to get to know me. But as pp mentioned maybe he fancied a glass of wine and didn't want to drink one alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarlightIntheNight · 06/07/2019 09:02

icecreamsundae32 I have hung out w another friends dh during play dates in soft plays or park etc...but that was either we bumped into each other or my friend told me her dh is at X if I want to join (our 2 dc our friends with their 2 dc)....in that case its normal. But I know my friend would probably not approve if he invited me for a glass of wine while she was away!

icecreamsundae32 I totally agree with that, I don't stick around normally. I pick up and try to get out as fast as I can! Although, I have been to pick ups when my dc and their friend ran off and hid in the house, so we ended up spending 30 mins looking for them (me and the mum lol).

IntoValhalla I think long term friend is different. My friends dh (I have known both of them for 20 years) I would not think anything if he asked if I wanted a drink when picking up the kids...and we have had lunches long ago or coffee w out my friend (in between classes). Now they live abroad, so this hasn't happened...but we see them a few times a year.

Its interesting how half the people think like my dh and the other half like me. But after reading everyones comments I am thinking it was him probably just wanting adult company while having a glass of wine and not anything more.

OP posts:
icecreamsundae32 · 06/07/2019 09:17

@StarlightIntheNight yes the only time I've stayed longer or gone in the house is when kids are mucking about or they've got a new baby/puppy/kitten and I'm invited in to see it lol! Same when I had my daughter the parents came 15 mins early to collect their child to see my baby and have a cuddle/coo over her lol that was fine. And I wouldn't mind parents coming in for a cup of tea but not if they are picking their kid up at 7 as by then I need to get on with bathing and bed time etc!

MorrisZapp · 06/07/2019 09:22

The law according to social media now states that when two mothers are under the same roof, a bottle of wine must be opened.

Not sure where dads fit in. Does he have a t-shirt that says I Love Prosecco?

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 06/07/2019 10:03

What? He didn't break down in misery and challenged your husband to a duel out if desperation his dastardly seduction plan was foiled?

One might think all he wanted was a drink with another grownup.

Poppins2016 · 06/07/2019 10:20

I'd be fine with it. My DH ended up having a drink with our next door neighbour when her husband was away a few months ago. He also arranges what we jokingly refer to as 'date nights' with two close female friends. If I had similarly close male friends, I would have the same freedom.

PaterPower · 06/07/2019 10:56

If his wife isn’t that bothered about forming a social circle around other parents, perhaps her husband is just trying to bridge the gap and get to know a few other people.

I’m not one to generally hang around on pickups but I’ve been invited to have wine or a coffee and chat more than once before (I’m male) by DC friends’ Mums. They def weren’t trying anything on. I usually decline, but that’s more about me being an antisocial git :-)

Musti · 06/07/2019 11:16

Well I've often suggested it to mums that they have a drink but it's usually a female.

NameChangeNugget · 06/07/2019 11:25

There’s nothing wrong here

JustHavingASadDay · 06/07/2019 11:49

One of my closest friends since childhood is a bloke...

Tbf, this isn't really the same thing at all!

But I still dont think there's anything wrong with it. I've been to the pub on my own before and bumped into a dad from school I know by sight and ended up having a drink with him. I thought nothing of it, tbh.

He managed to not hit on me...

Of course we've probably all had those male friends who had ulterior motives but this wouldn't even seem worth mentioning to me.

Justsee · 06/07/2019 17:02

Contrary to the majority on the thread, I’m in two minds about this. I must admit, I would have been taken aback had a man I didn’t really know asked me to join him for a glass of wine when his wife was away. I can’t decide:
1 - he was testing the water, wanted to see if you were interested.
2 - totally innocent. He just wanted to get to know you /who his DC was spending time with.
The fact his DW was away arouses my suspicions (maybe unfairly). Anyway you took along your DH - which was well played on your part.

From another point of view, I don’t think I’d be happy if my DH was inviting women to share a glass of wine when I was away. But maybe that’s just me.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/07/2019 17:12

But maybe when you are married with kids, you can be friends with the opposite sex smile you can be friends with the opposite sex when you're not married too. Not all of us are so desperately attractive that every man we are friendly too instantly wants to have sex with us.

DH thinks its only weird cos it's alcohol around the kids. He wouldn't give a hoot if it was anything else. But then I'm off to a different city to spend the day with my male single friend tomorrow, and the only reason we won't be drinking is cos I'm pregnant