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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband rude and unbearable, makes me cry all the time

58 replies

Missneater · 05/07/2019 22:51

Hey, any advice here would be greatly received.

My husband of 6 years (together about 8yrs prior) seems to be suffering from stress, anger and anxiety at the moment. It’s been on and off like this for years but currently I am struggling to deal with it.

We have a daughter aged 19 months and another on the way and I’m really worried that I’m going to end up bringing two children up alone.

Our marriage is in a state, he’s always rude to me, swearing at me, has such a short fuse and loses at me all the time. Rather than talk heoighbour issues or let me speak he always says he can’t deal with it, when I try to explain my side he tells me to shut up and then to F* off all the time. He can’t take any criticism and uses the terms that I’m “gobbling off” or having a “hissy fit” when I try to explain, I find his very sexist. In the car the other day he was rude to me and told me to get out of the car and walk or shut up because he was trying to drive. This was all over the fact that he thought our daughter needed to go to docs for nappy rash. All I said is that my mum was coming over in the morning and I’d take her in the afternoon. He gave me a foul look and said that obviously my mum coming over was more important than our diapers welfare. This was simply not the case and deeply upset me. I tried to explain but he wouldn’t listen and told me to shut up. I cried when we got home and he did not seem to care, he still has not apologised.

Things have go far worse since then and hurtful things have been said from both sides. He’s made me cry nearly every other day for the last two because of his foul looks at me and disgusting language. He always tries to tell me what to do and how to be round our daughter and makes me feel like I’m not a good mother.

His anger is awful and he snaps all of the time. I’ve tried so hard to be understanding and have tried to help him de-stress but he takes it all out on me. I’m at the end of my tether and I feel we should be excited about this new baby instead I cry all of the time and we fight constantly. He always says not to argue in front of our daughter, which I agree with but even when I’m not arguing and just bring something even slightly contentious he can’t handle it and shouts. He’s called me childish and names in front of our daughter and tells me to shut up.

I’ve told him he must go to CBT or we do marriage counselling to sort his anger and stress out but in the meantime I feel like rubbish. We are sleeping in seperate rooms and barely speak. He has a manual job and works hard which he hates and when he gets home I worry what mood he’ll be in. I could be in such a good mood but he always seems to spoil it. It’s not good for my welfare not my daughters. Anyone else been in a similar situation?
Thank you

OP posts:
Pipandmum · 05/07/2019 22:53

I think you need to move out until he sorts himself out.

AgentJohnson · 05/07/2019 22:57

This is who is now (and by your own admission, who he has been for some time), waiting around for him to be different has just meant there are two children being brought up in this toxic environment.

Mollie3 · 05/07/2019 23:03

Thankfully no, not to this extent. You are in a toxic relationship. This man is abusing you. You need to get out, with your daughter. Can you wait until he goes to work then pack what you need and leave, assuming you have family or someone reliable to stay with? From what you have said, if I were you I’d be worried for the safety of myself, my unborn baby and daughter. No man is worth sticking with who treats you in such an appalling, disrespectful and abusive manner. Sending you love and hoping you have the courage and support leave this monster xx

Missneater · 05/07/2019 23:09

Thank you for your comments. I find this so difficult because I would never have had children if I thought it would really reach this point. I also don’t want my daughter to only occasionally see him because she loves him so much. The problem is I do love him and he can be a really good husband when he’s not in one of these phases. He’s also an excellent father. It’s just when he’s like this that I can’t bare him. He’s never physically abused me and I don’t feel he ever would cross that line. I know he loves us but I just need him to be more supportive and get himself sorted. He knows what’s at steaks otherwise.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 05/07/2019 23:10

OP, you poor woman.

You are being terribly abused by your husband.

Don't for us on fixing him.

Focus on getting yourself out of this dreadful situation.

cosytoaster · 05/07/2019 23:21

I’m really worried that I’m going to end up bringing two children up alone.
I'd be much more worried about bringing up two children in the situation you're in. Being on your own would probably be easier.
He should be moving out until he sorts himself out.

LauraMipsum · 05/07/2019 23:26

He’s never physically abused me and I don’t feel he ever would cross that line

But you’ve wondered whether one day he might, by the sounds of it.

This doesn’t sound good and I would be looking into at best relationship counselling and at worst setting up to leave him.

lifebegins50 · 05/07/2019 23:31

He was going to make his pregnant wife walk just for having a different opinion.
Think about that.

This is him berating you because you dare to have a different view to his. It very common in abusive men.

Did it get worse when you were pregnant or had your baby? If often starts then. Do you had access to money? Can you read "Why does he do that" by Lundy. It will switch on a lightbulb to what is happening.

Does he behave like this in front of others?

Wearywithteens · 05/07/2019 23:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

RamblingEm · 05/07/2019 23:37

”I also don’t want my daughter to only occasionally see him because she loves him so much.”

Do you want your daughter to think that this is normal, acceptable, behaviour in a relationship and therefore find herself an equally abusive partner because she believes it’s normal to be sworn at, shouted at & berated? Teach your daughter was a healthy relationship is. Teach her it’s okay to set boundaries. SHOW her it’s okay to walk away from situations that are harmful.

RamblingEm · 05/07/2019 23:38

What a healthy^

justasking111 · 05/07/2019 23:40

You have to either ask him to leave or leave yourself. You cannot live like this.

AdaColeman · 05/07/2019 23:47

He’s not suffering from stress and anxiety, but you are! The stress and anxiety that comes from living with a nasty, angry abuser like your husband.

He’s not a good father, no good father would speak to his child’s mother the way that he speaks to you. Ask yourself why you are putting up with him swearing at you and telling you to shut up?

Missneater · 05/07/2019 23:51

TBH I’m not sure when it started. He’s had a lot of struggles in his life from his upbringing. I tried to speak to him Mum about his behaviour before but she just said made excuses for him and told me be nice to him and get him to relax.

Thank you, I’ll give jay book a go. No he doesn’t do it in front of others which I’ve said to him before. I’ve told him his bevhour is not acceptable and many people wouldn’t accept it so why should I. Instead of apologising to me for the incident in the car he said I owed him an apaology too because I said in heat of the moment that I didn’t are about him. But that’s not a sincere apology from him.

He just can’t see that his actions are wrong. I don’t think he means to be this way, he had an awful upbringing and I think his father was just the same except he was worse and I really don’t like that man. I just want him to see his actions and just appreciate me more and be respectful.

He was amazing when we had a miscarriage so supportive and kind. When I had my daughter he again was just so kind and caring and did everything he could to help. But when he’s in these phases which can last months he’s like a different person. He hates me talking to other people about our issues and I know why, it’s becaus she doesn’t want people to see his behaviour, but I’m entitled to seek help when I need it.

He ruined my daughters first birthday for me too. All I did was give our daughter her birthday presents and I said not knowingly, here are your presents mummy’s got you, Daddy has some too. He got angry with me and said that presents should be from both of a not one of us. He was rude then. Also later that day I had arranged her a birthday party and he told me he didn’t enjoy any of it because it was mainly for my friends and family. Sadly his family were unable to make it. I think more of these awful situations and so sway to leaving him. I’m just trying to focus on this baby and my daughter and will get myself together to leave when I have the energy. If not I will force marriage counselling but I think I should give him a chance to do CBT first because then I feel I’ve tried everything and really given it my best shot. Once leaving him there’s not going back.

OP posts:
babbi · 05/07/2019 23:54

You need to leave - no question of that.
He is not nice to you and he is not a good father or he wouldn’t be creating this toxic environment for his child .
You only think some good things about him as you are currently in the classic abusive cycle.

Once you leave and look back you will see this .
Sorry- I do know how hard this is but you must leave now - don’t let your daughter grow up amongst this .
Good luck

babbi · 05/07/2019 23:59

Oh and don’t think for a minute he can’t see that his actions are wrong ....
He most definitely can which is why he does not do it in front of others ...

Stop analysing his past or try to make excuses to understand him .
You are enabling him and accepting his behaviour by doing this .
There is NO excuse for his actions
Lots of people have difficulties and don’t grow up to be abusers ..
In any case these are his issues to deal with not yours .
Please end this ... it won’t improve

Surfingtheweb · 05/07/2019 23:59

You need to get out. It doesn't get better.

PaintingOwls · 06/07/2019 00:04

Ltb.

AlexaAmbidextra · 06/07/2019 00:27

he can be a really good husband when he’s not in one of these phases. He’s also an excellent father.

Ffs. Why do abused women always feel they have to defend these nasty fuckers? OP, he isn’t in any way a good husband or an excellent father. He’s an abusive, nasty bastard and he carries out this abuse to the pregnant mother of his child in front of said child. The trouble is, you are now so used to his appalling behaviour it’s become the norm for you. Please speak to your midwife and give a lot of thought to what living like this is doing to your child. And consider the child you are soon to have. Nobody should have to live this miserable existence and his abuse will only get worse as there is no incentive for him to change as you put up with it and makes excuses for him. Your children deserve to live in a home free from abuse and so do you. Get out before the abuse becomes physical.

Cano · 06/07/2019 00:32

OP you say your husband had an awful upbringing. Don’t you realise your DC will have a similar upbringing to your husband. He has no intentions of changing his behaviour for his children.

AyBeeCee10 · 06/07/2019 03:46

This is who is now (and by your own admission, who he has been for some time), waiting around for him to be different has just meant there are two children being brought up in this toxic environment.

This!! What are waiting around for counselling and cbt for? Hes abusive towards you and it's a toxic situation. You have a Dd, is this what you want to teach her to accept??

AyBeeCee10 · 06/07/2019 03:50

Excellent father? You are deluded. Read back your posts and ask yourself where this excellent father presents himself? Please wake up and realise your children are growing up in a very toxic environment.

Maitairiki · 06/07/2019 04:59

Oh god leave him

yetwig · 06/07/2019 05:35

Why stay with a man like this? Your children are going to grow up walking on egg shells around him, that's not fair. My dad was very much like you describe, it was horrible living like this as a child, my mum left when I was 14 but by then the damage was done. Please for your children, you must leave, he's abusive and this will only get worse.

YouJustDoYou · 06/07/2019 05:36

I was bought up with a father like This, because my mum "loved him", etc. It ruined my life, it ruined my childhood, all because my mum refused to leave. The way my dad was bought me up thinking this was just how men treated women.

He is an abusive nasty man, you can defend him all you want but you are raising your child in this environment and it WILL damage her.

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