Husband rude and unbearable, makes me cry all the time

[Missneater]

Hey, any advice here would be greatly received.

My husband of 6 years (together about 8yrs prior) seems to be suffering from stress, anger and anxiety at the moment. It’s been on and off like this for years but currently I am struggling to deal with it.

We have a daughter aged 19 months and another on the way and I’m really worried that I’m going to end up bringing two children up alone.

Our marriage is in a state, he’s always rude to me, swearing at me, has such a short fuse and loses at me all the time. Rather than talk heoighbour issues or let me speak he always says he can’t deal with it, when I try to explain my side he tells me to shut up and then to F* off all the time. He can’t take any criticism and uses the terms that I’m “gobbling off” or having a “hissy fit” when I try to explain, I find his very sexist. In the car the other day he was rude to me and told me to get out of the car and walk or shut up because he was trying to drive. This was all over the fact that he thought our daughter needed to go to docs for nappy rash. All I said is that my mum was coming over in the morning and I’d take her in the afternoon. He gave me a foul look and said that obviously my mum coming over was more important than our diapers welfare. This was simply not the case and deeply upset me. I tried to explain but he wouldn’t listen and told me to shut up. I cried when we got home and he did not seem to care, he still has not apologised.

Things have go far worse since then and hurtful things have been said from both sides. He’s made me cry nearly every other day for the last two because of his foul looks at me and disgusting language. He always tries to tell me what to do and how to be round our daughter and makes me feel like I’m not a good mother.

His anger is awful and he snaps all of the time. I’ve tried so hard to be understanding and have tried to help him de-stress but he takes it all out on me. I’m at the end of my tether and I feel we should be excited about this new baby instead I cry all of the time and we fight constantly. He always says not to argue in front of our daughter, which I agree with but even when I’m not arguing and just bring something even slightly contentious he can’t handle it and shouts. He’s called me childish and names in front of our daughter and tells me to shut up.

I’ve told him he must go to CBT or we do marriage counselling to sort his anger and stress out but in the meantime I feel like rubbish. We are sleeping in seperate rooms and barely speak. He has a manual job and works hard which he hates and when he gets home I worry what mood he’ll be in. I could be in such a good mood but he always seems to spoil it. It’s not good for my welfare not my daughters. Anyone else been in a similar situation?
Thank you

Sadly it is not uncommon for the arrival of children to act as the catalyst for a relationship becoming abusive.

CBT is not going to turn an abuser into a non-abuser, sorry.

Ask yourself what HE has DONE (not said) in order to change his behaviour so far.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships and what is she learning here?. Do not let ongoing abuse become her norm too because she could well otherwise go onto pick an abuser for a man herself.

He is not a good husband to you or father to his children if he abuses you like you are being. Indirectly your child is being abused too by him because she is seeing you as her mother being abused.

Women in poor relationships often write the "good dad" comment or versions thereof when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. You have indeed written nothing positive about him.

This man is your common or garden abuser and is following that same well worn script. Being all sweetness and light to others is commonplace and the nice/nasty cycle of abuse shown towards you as his target is a continuous one.
Joint counselling, and CBT are non starters here because of the abuse he metes out towards you. It is not your fault he is like this. It is not your fault either that he has decided to conduct his own private based war against you.

Please talk to your midwife and plan your escape from your abuser with due care. Womens Aid and or your local domestic violence group are also worth contacting here.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your own dad treat your mother like this?.

Such men too hate women, all of them. That goes for your child too and your as yet unborn child as well.

He has a problem too with anger, but not in the ways you think he does. He has a problem with anger, your anger, when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviours.

Does he behave like this around other people, no he does not. He reserves all his abuse for you. This is who he is and such men do not change. Men like this too hate women, all of them.

It will only be when you are free of your abuser will you perhaps realise just how much you lost yourself to this person. He will try to continue to abuse you and your children post divorce as well but this is no reason either to stay with such an individual.

Just this ...

Please leave. It won't get any better. Your children will grow up thinking it's normal, and they will very likely fall into similar relationships.

As for the excuse of his childhood. I had an absolutely horrific childhood. It's affected me greatly as an adult. Do you know what. Itdoesnt make me treat people like your husband does. I have moments where I'm not perfect, I've had years of counselling that I sought privately to help me. And on the occasions I struggle with my DD (I'm a single parent after leaving a bad relationship) and I lose my cool in a shouty way (very rarely but I'm not perfect), I apologise, tell her I was wrong, and use my next session to work out what the trigger was and how I avoid that. But I have to want to do all of that.

Why would he change, you get upset, you don't tell people about his behaviour, you apologise but let him get away with not, he's trained you and continues to do so to accept his abuse. He can be nice, he does it with other people. He's just got zero respect for you. So you need to get some for yourself.

Good luck as it's really really hard.

He is doing a lot of blaming others for his unhappiness.
Talking has not changed one thing. Maybe now it is time to act.
Think of him as a diseased limb you have to cut off. You will miss the fully working limb but learn to manage without the rotten one.

This sounds awful. Really, really awful. I'd leave him if I were you. He doesn't sound like he likes you at all.

I also grew up with a father like this. It also ruined my life. He was either really lovely and kind or horrid and grumpy and you never knew which one would walk through the door. I ended up in two abusive relationships myself before I broke the cycle.

I do not thank my mother for staying, in fact I will never forgive her for it

Oh op, I could have written this a few years ago, my ex was exactly the same. At first I’d say “he’ll never be physical” then when eventually he was I’d say “but he’d never hurt DC” and then he did, he “lost it” when DC was 3 months old.

Please don’t wait for him to change, he doesn’t need CBT but you and your children will if you don’t get out. He is not a good father if he’s abusing their mother in front of them.

I know how it feels scarier to leave and do it on your own than to stay, better the devil you know and all that, but please think about it if only for your children’s sake.

Marriage counselling with an abuser is not recommended

I think it's unanimous OP.

You haven't even had your second child yet and it's unbearable. The stress increases a lot when a second child arrives and unless you are a team who support each other it will be hell.

He's treating you like this because you let him. Plenty of people have had shit childhoods and hate their jobs but don't take it out on those closest to them vecause they are unhappy.

You need to be strong and take action. Hopefully you can pack a bag and stay with someone and ask him to leave in the meantime. This won't get any better.

There is no reason why he can't be a good father but he's a lousy husband who makes you feel shit so stop it now.

Let me tell you about my good friend. What she remembers of her childhood was her father always shouting and dictating what should happen, and her mother always in tears on the sofa.

She is FURIOUS for her mother for failing to stand up to her father, for failing to protect her and her siblings from his temper and most of all, for just crying instead of doing those things.

Get you and your dc’s away from this manipulative abusive man.

I grew up with a nasty parent like this. His behaviour sounds similar to my mum's. She very occassionally was violent too, but that was rare enough that no one around me thought to do anything about it. Mostly it was just the shouting, name calling, and general feeling that my mere existence was enough to anger her.

It was horrible growing up like that. I was so unhappy. Having a nice step dad wasn't enough to make up for her awful behaviour. I'm in my 30s now and happily married and I still have issues. Things still crop up sometimes that I never even thought about before. I think I'll feel "damaged" for the rest of my life.

Please, please, PLEASE get your lovely DC away from that awful man. He isn't going to change. I bet you'll be happier as a single mum than having to live with his awful behaviour.

You think he's like this because of the father he grew up with.

Do you want your children to turn out like their father?

He's not a wonderful father, he abuses you and is teaching your daughter to expect that behaviour from men. He's an abusive shit. Single parenting (I am one) is a fuckload easier than tipping about on egg shells to avoid provoking a volatile dickhead. Fuck him. Get out.

Oh and my ex had a shitty father too. I was sympathetic until he began to transform into him once we had our child. Fuck that shit. Every adult has choices as to how they behave; I'm my own author, not the inevitable result of my upbringing.

You cannot change or fix him. This is who he is. He’s struggling to keep his nice mask on and you’re seeing the true man underneath.
You have two choices stay and be abused and allow your children to be exposed to and affected by it or leave and have a better life.

Lots of people have a bad upbringing, terrible even. It's no excuse for how he treats you.
You seem to believe that he will change. That you can change him or save him.
It's not gonna happen. He now uses you as his emotional punchbag. You are letting him by not setting boundaries. The only option here is to leave him. Your reality is warped.
He is supposed to be your partner. Your supporter. Your friend. He is not and no amount of appeasing is going to change his behavior.
When your daughter has a tantrum do you give in and bow down to her wants? No you don't you teach her how to behave appropriately and the social boundaries necessary for a happy existence. Your husband is not a toddler and should be able to behave nicely.
When he comes home does he spark joy in you or dread?
Please talk to someone in real life. Your midwife or women's aid.

He’s not a good father or husband.
He is in fact abusive.
Leave the fucker, raise your standards.
Get real life help.
Of course he’s not like this when people are around, he knows what he’s doing.
And he doesn’t want you to talk to
Anyone in real life cus he knows they will
Tell you to leave him.

Don’t be afraid of your DC growing up with minimal involvement from him, that’s the bonus of leaving him. They won’t be abused or see you being abused.

You have to leave OP. You are where I was a few years ago. I finally left when he snapped in front of the children and did become aggressive towards me. I left my beautiful home, my friends and into my mums spare room in a different city with a 2.5 yr old and a 10 month old. Yes it’s not easy being a single mum to 2 tiny dc but it’s a walk in the park compared to walking on egg shells around a vile man. Please for your own and your children’s sake get out

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Let me introduce you to Mr Lundy Bancroft ...

I was in a relationship with a man with similar traits. Fortunately no children involved though.
His mood swings were horrible and like you I just thought the good times were worth putting up with the shit times.
He eroded every part of me with his criticism, anger and vile tirades. I thought as they were only 'words' I'd cope.
And then 5 weeks ago he stepped it up a notch and beat me. Out of the blue. I had convinced myself he'd never go that far, but he did.
I left that night, reported him to The Police and haven't looked back.
I know it's not always that simple but you have children to protect, and yourself too.
He is not a great father if he treats YOU like that. Living on such a short fuse will affect your children and like you, they'd learn to modify their behaviour and walk on eggshells. That is no way to live. I put up with my ex's behaviour for 13 years, but the beating woke me up from the nightmare I had been living and trying to ignore.
Seek help, make a plan and leave. Have the future you deserve, not a life sentence of pain and emotional destruction.

Also funny how do many men who've had a bad upbringing and know how it feels to be treated badly; choose to treat their partners and kids badly ... Even though they know how it feels and should not want anyone else, esp people they love, to suffer the same.

It's an excuse.

My sister's ex had a terrible upbringing too- it was rolled out all the time when he was cheating on her, lying to her, dragging her around, throwing a temper fit and leaving her and their small son to walk home in the rain from a retail park etc etc.