Stbxh already on tinder.

[Theworldcouldbemymollusc]

So we only split 12 days ago (my decision) and he has already been on a date. Holding hands in a local pub with a women I don’t know. After 14 years I am heartbroken and have been worried about him even though he was abusive to me and my dcs. This has been a wake up call. Why ask me to try and work it out when he has already created a tinder account and moved on. I feel like the last 14 years were a lie and meant nothing. How do you move on from such a smack in the face?

As you requested the split it may be him trying to work out if he wants to fight for you or not. I've not gone as far as a date but I've got a profile and chatted to men (not tinder, I'm too old for that!) I am to be truthful trying to see if I'm desirable and perhaps subconsciously thinking he may get jealous and decide against the split. I still love h but I'm trying to fall out of love with him.

My exh was on every dating site around within days of our agreement to split. We'd been together 13yrs and were still living together as he refused to move out.

He latched onto of the girls he met on there and very quickly got into a serious relationship and became a parent to her twins. They're still together now as he's a limpet type - clings to the first person to show him affection.

I didn't understand how he could go from being devoted to me, to being immediately in another relationship. Maybe your ex just wants the attention too? Whatever it is, you're definitely better off without him.
But expect anger from him if YOU try to move on. My ex told me he'd 'do me for adultery' if I tried to date anyone else before we divorced

@Doormat247 so sorry about your experience. It’s so weird that tinder is their first priority

Maybe because it was your decision to split, he's done this to provoke a response from you in that you'll want to give it another try because you don't want to see him with someone else?

This is very common, and if it makes you feel any better, women normally deal with their grief and feelings about a relationship ending when it's over and then move on afterwards, men often jump into the single life, and then all the emotions and break up fallout hit them later!

He can’t be on his own. Men generally move on quickly, says nothing about you though, it’s all about him.

I wouldn’t touch a man that soon out of a relationship with a barge pole, so they’re both as desperate as each other!

Hurts though doesn’t it? It will get better OP

If he is an abuser, he needs a victim so he's off love bombing the next one now you've had enough.

There are some people who simply can't cope with being on their own.

My H used to call it "monkey bars syndrome" - they can't let go of the last branch before catching hold of the next one.

It doesn't mean your relationship had no meaning. You are the mother of his DC and therefore you'll always be tied to him. But right now he needs to distract himself from the silence and his choice is to date rather than to take a cookery course, volunteer, see friends more or start knitting.

I did similar when ex h said he wanted to leave. It’s the hurt and being scared of being alone. It doesn’t mean your relationship meant nothing - it’s precisely because it meant so much he can’t face the hurt so is trying to block it out (I was anyway)

Doormat247 I hope you told him to go swing! You can’t “do” people for adultery. What does he think will happen? They’ll parade you through the streets with an A on your head? What a prick. Hope you’ve got proof that he’s with this other woman. Divorce him on the grounds of his adultery. In the meantime go on dates yourself. Fuck him. Arsehole

It doesn’t really matter. You’re not together. It’s none of your business.

That’s helpful lelly

Men do generally move on quickly, it isn’t a personal reflection on you or your relationship.

@missyjudged I think he meant he'd file the divorce based on my 'adultery' if I went on a date with someone and make me pay for the whole divorce. What an arsehole!
To get rid of him I let him file whatever bullshit he wanted - what I should have done is filed for his physical abuse. I look back now and realise how stupid I was. But at least I'm rid of him!

@LellyMcKelly - bit harsh! You didn’t have a date on Wednesday did you?

It’ll just be about sex. I wouldn’t worry about it

This is confirmation that you did the right thing by jettisoning this prick. You no longer have to be taken in by his bullshit.

If course it hurts but his current behaviour works in your favour by helping you to let go of the hope that there was a better version of him waiting in the shadows.

Onwards and upwards, congratulations on being an arsehole lighter. I recommend ‘Truth Hurts’, ‘Good as hell’ and ‘Juice’ by Lizzo to lift your spirits.

From the outside looking in, people might say the same about me - that I've jumped onto dating sites too quickly. But I had fallen out of love with my ex years ago and just didn't let myself see it. I'm not expecting to go into a LTR immediately, but it feels really good to flirt again, to feel desirable again. If people judge me for that, oh well.

I'm not defending your ex, because every situation is different, but I know how people might perceive my behaviour.

Thanks for the posts. I knew he wouldn’t stay on his own for long - very low self esteem, abusive and has always said that men never leave without someone new to go to. But I think the speed shocked me when he was texting about having a great future together. In some ways it makes it easier to move on but in others it hurts more. Time to put on my big girl pants and divorce him.

Agree, it’ll be about sex, seeing what he can get, and as others have said, about not wanting to be alone. Men move on by chasing skirt - but it can and often backfires.

I also wouldn't touch a man who has come out of a long term relationship but he might not be telling women about his history at this stage!

Please don’t be too upset

@toffeeapple123 - what do you mean by backfires?
He has described himself as genuine and single. Let’s hope he finds wife number 4 quickly!

Hi OP, very sorry for you are going through this...
watched recently video abt men moving on after the break up. It says as quicker the man moves on as bigger the pain of the brake up for him. Maybe if you think that way it won’t make you feel so sad?
Just thought it would help you somehow...

💐🍷🍰 for you

@inexperiencedchick do you know what the video was. I’ll try to watch it.

I understand how you feel op. My ex (albeit we weren't married but were in a LTR, I thought it was forever) ended our relationship recently and within 2 weeks was dating/ shagging other women. It hurts that he thinks so little of me. Whilst I am still grieving the loss of our future he is on every dating site going. It makes me feel sick if I'm honest.

Some men jump straight into other/rebound relationships instead of processing a break up. Hardly works out well.