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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HAVE YOU FOUND YOUR SOUL-MATE?

49 replies

johnnydeppsmistress · 17/09/2004 09:56

I SOMETIMES FEEL LIKE I AM THE ONLY WOMAN IN THE WHO HAS NOT MARRIED HER SOUL-MATE! HAVE YOU?

I SOMETIMES WONDER WHY I MARRIED MY HUSBAND - HE IS SWEET, NICE, A GOOD DAD ETC. BUT THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A TRUE CONNECTION BETWEEN US OR THAT "CORRR" FACTOR WHEN WE LOOK AT EACHOTHER! IS THIS NORMAL OR ARE THERE OTHER COUPLES LIKE US? WE ONLY EVER TALK ABOUT WORK, THE KIDS OR GOSSIP ABOUT FRIENDS OR FAMILY. WE NEVER HAVE MEANINGFUL DISCUSSIONS OR DEBATES, WHICH I CRAVE. I FANTASISE ABOUT HAVING A PARTNER I REALLY FANCY AND WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO - INSTEAD OF IT BEING A ONCE-WEEKLY CHORE!!!!

I FEEL SO BORED AND RESTRAINED IN THIS MARRIAGE AND REGULARLY DREAM OF LEAVING HIM.

DOES THIS STRIKE A CORD WITH ANYONE OR ARE YOU ALL BLISSFULLY HAPPY WITH YOUR SOUL-MATE?

OP posts:
Twinkie · 17/09/2004 10:05

Sorry after 1 bad marraige I am now happily ensconsed with my soul mate - he is lovely, caring, thoughtful and makes me go corrrrr everytime I look at him.

(Actully though he might not be so lovely if he makes me watch the whole of the f'ing Ryder Cup this weekend!!)

blossom2 · 17/09/2004 10:07

depends what you mean by soul-mate ....

i have married the man i want and quite happy. things do slide once you have kids i think and life becomes much more practical (for me anyway). its really hard to get back the Corr factor but then i'm sure DH feels the same with me ....

i've been in relationships where i could not wait to get out and escape. i feel good about the fact that when i look at DH, it still feels right and he's still "the one".
he still annoys me though!!!

MissChief · 17/09/2004 10:08

God - what a question - in simple terms for me, resounding 'no' but not sure i believe in soul mate for life any more. Did in my 20s and got stung by my then partner whom i deeply loved - clearly wasn't the soulmate I had thought though to have treated me badly. I'm sure there are a lucky few out there who have met & kept with their one true love but as for me, I've got a great partner - loving, kind, good dad, v intelligent - can't have it all but I think he offers a lot. Is a soul mate any more than sexual compatibilty coupled with interests in common?? I think it's luck if you can keep both going in the long-term. Hope that helps in some way?

charliecat · 17/09/2004 10:10

Once upon a time me and dp used to go CCCOOORRRR but now we dont 7 years later, still fancy each other and can have a laugh but usually want long lingering conversations at the wrong time, when the other ones busy doing something else so that doesnt often happen. Must admit, neither of us make enough time for each other, or only do when cracks start to show because we havent.
Dont dream of leaving and starting with someone else but am vaguely sad about the fact we dont drool all over each other.
Dont feel restrained as this is my cosy life with 2 gorgeous daughters and im happy that they are healthly and have 2 doting parents.

carla · 17/09/2004 10:12

Bo**ocks have I!

Twiglett · 17/09/2004 10:13

message withdrawn

Original poster
johnnydeppsmistress · 17/09/2004 10:17

THANKS, YOU LOT, I SHALL JUST CRAWL BACK INTO MY HOLE WITH A FEW LARGE G&T'S AND A COUPLE OF VALIUMS!

TWINKIE, HOW DID YOU FIND YOUR SOULMATE? WERE YOU IN YOUR 1ST MARRIAGE AT THE TIME?

I FEEL REALLY ALONE SOMETIMES AND NOT FULFILLED AT ALL. MY KIDS ARE THE ONLY THING THAT KEEP ME HERE.

OP posts:
Twiglett · 17/09/2004 10:18

message withdrawn

smellymelly · 17/09/2004 10:26

I have found my soulmate, but it took me till I was 30, and I had already had 2 kids with someone else.

He moved in next door to me a few years ago, it took us ages to get it together, but we got married a couple of months ago and now we are having twins!!

I couldn't have married someone who wasn't my soulmate, I had a few offers along the way which I never took up.

Of course I look at him and think cor! But that does not make someone your soulmate....He rescued me! (from myself) and knows me better than anyone, and still loves me for all my flaws. I could never imagine being with anyone but him.

clairabelle · 17/09/2004 10:28

I am married to my best friend someone who knows me inside and out and has been for me thick and thin. I still fancy dh and have no doubts about growing old with him. However I don't know if he is my soulmate, I thought I had met my soulmate about a year before I got married to dh and this caused all sorts of problems after I had got married resulting in me feeling just as you do. Have I have passed an oppurtunity by etc etc, this went on for a couple of years before without going into details everything came to a head and dh and I had an awful time resulting in me in paticular having to examine exactly what I wanted. I realised after a lot of soul searching that to be married and to dh was what I wanted, that the grass wasn't greener on the otherside and that sometimes you just need to put some effort in. I am very happy now, not to say I don't think about my 'soulmate' but only in anice memory way and not a threatening way. Sorry this is very long but basically I think sometimes too much credence can be given to the idea that there is a 'soulmate'one special person out there for all of us that we just connect with. I found that person but my dh is a far better person I would never advocate that anyone stay in a unhappy marriage but please don't make it unhappy pining for the unknown.

MrsDoolittle · 17/09/2004 10:38

Somedays I love him to madness and I know he is the only man for me.....somedays I hate the bastard and wonder how we ever got involved. I inform him of this on a regular basis He just laughs because 'I'm like that' He said he loves me all the time even when I am angry with him, but maybe he doesn't love me as intensely as I love him sometimes. So we reckon that makes us even.
Theres a thin line between love and hate I say. So I get away with all sorts of things

anorak · 17/09/2004 10:40

carla and twiglett

I don't believe that there is only one right person for you, I think there could be many people in the world who you could connect with, and who could be a soul-mate. It just isn't likely that you're going to meet more than one or two in a lifetime. So I think myself very lucky that my dh is most definitely a soul-mate, and I couldn't imagine anyone else being as good for me.

It still takes work to make the marriage work, but it isn't at all the same thing as that feeling of pushing s**t uphill with a sharp stick that you get in relationships that are just not right for you. We both work to make it good, and it is pretty yummy!

libb · 17/09/2004 10:43

I think my DP is more of a soulmate than the last one! he still drives me batty, some days we barely talk about anything other than DS's latest nappy and he is far too loyal to friends that don't deserve it.

That all said, I love him more than anything - this thread has made me realise that I should tell him properly tonight (as opposed to the daily doorstep routine we have each day) - and he will probably think I have been on the gin or spent all the savings

Original poster
johnnydeppsmistress · 17/09/2004 10:54

Sorry everyone, I type in caps as it is much quicker and easier on my RSI - poor me! I don't believe that the "corrr"/soul-mate thing are necessarily the same thing but there is probably a connection between the 2. I admit that I would love to find someone who I truly connect with & that alone should not make me want to leave him as he is not a bad person. But I'm sure you know what it's like - when things are bad, your mind just wonders - well mine does anyway!

I feel very happy for all you soul-mates out there - now can someone give me a hug as I am about to burst into tears ! must be having a bad day. Anyone else feel tearful today?

OP posts:
lydialemon · 17/09/2004 10:56

My DH is my BF, and the thought of not being with him makes me feel sick. However, the 'corrr' factor has kind of vanished under the sleepless nights etc ATM, but I feel the underlying friendship and joint interests means we'll be fine (happy!!!) until we get the time and energy for ourselves again.

clairabelle · 17/09/2004 10:56

{{{{}}}

mummytosteven · 17/09/2004 10:57

hugs JDM. sorry you are having such a bad day. why not type in all lower case (like I, who don't have RSI but am a lazy moo often do).

lydialemon · 17/09/2004 10:57

Soory, crossed posts !

Have a big {{{{hug}}}}

MrsDoolittle · 17/09/2004 10:58

I have weepy days like that all the time - I just remind myself how lucky I am to have a beautiful daughter, a husband who loves me and our health.

Furball · 17/09/2004 11:00

I believe IMHO, that the initial spark and excitment dies back and you are just left with the love. In my case, DH and I generally get on well and even though we have our downs, we also have our ups. This to me is normal and even if I where to jump ship, (which I haven't thought of, yet!) I would probably be in this position with somebody else 5-10 years down the line. I'm not sure he's my soul-mate, but we've been married 7 years and I do intend to keep it that way.

noddy5 · 17/09/2004 11:44

My dp is my soulmate best friend lover in fact everything.I have never lost the passion for him and get excited to see him every day when he gets home I am definitely not the slushy type and this has taken me by surprise.He says he feels the same and after 12 years I couldn't want more.He never once complained when I was on dialysis and he did everything!I am so lucky

froot · 17/09/2004 11:59

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berries · 17/09/2004 13:47

Yes, I we met when I was 18 & are still together 23 yrs later. I still look forward to seeing him when he (or I) get in from work, and have plenty of plans for 'life after kids'. Still have humungous arguments now & then tho (can't be very often as dd1 asked whether we ever argued the other day)

Issymum · 17/09/2004 14:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

JuniperDewdrop · 17/09/2004 14:41

I've found my soulmate in DH and knew it on first meeting him. But I think friends can be soul mates too. And I believe you can have more than one.
Sorry to hear you're bored JDM Do you manage to get some time alone together where you can just be husband and wife?
I don't think that many couples have deep meaningful discussions all the time and most talk about the things you two do. Do you have any hobbies or interests away from home? I find doing short courses helps me to feel stimulated and gives me something else to talk about with DH.