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Original poster

A man who doesnt like to sleep over?

46 replies

SlinkyDogDash · 04/07/2019 23:36

I've been dating a man for about 6 weeks. He initiates messaging daily, asks to see me once or twice a week. We are both several years divorced with children and full time jobs.

All seems good, we started having sex about a month ago, but he never wants to stay the night after Confused initially he said he didnt have his stuff with him (unplanned), next time he said he had to go home as was working early next morning. I've been to his house, but same again, he said he had an early start and it was clear I wasnt invited to stay, just hugs and kisses goodbye.

Last week I asked him about it, whether he wanted a relationship or just sex as we never spent the night together. He said he wanted a relationship and that I could stay over at his another time, he wanted me to feel reassured about that. This week hes organised a date coming to mine but has already said he has to leave late evening as hes got a busy day at work the next day Confused.

Am I reading too much into this? Hes good looking and could easily get a hookup, but hes spending time with me, messaging, arranging dates. I don't particularly want to confront him about sleeping over again as I'm tempted to just call it a day, I dont really want to be with a man who doesnt want to share a bed for the night. Or am I being harsh and ruling him out too soon?

OP posts:
Unburnished · 04/07/2019 23:43

No. That would put me off too. Is he affectionate? Does he hold you afterwards and tell you he’s fond of you or does he jump up after ten minutes and act twitchy?

PersonaNonGarter · 04/07/2019 23:53

No. You are being timetables in for sex. I would say no. Sex is part of making time for each other and that is your line/personal self esteem.

I would be VERY firm about that. It will make you feel used otherwise.

Don’t be too angry with him (he really may just be being practical), but do explain and stick to what you are saying.

ViserionTheDragon · 04/07/2019 23:55

Agree it's offputting and I can't think he'd wantva long term relationship if he's acting like this.

Does he live on his own or with DC?

Fern12 · 04/07/2019 23:55

I dated someone like this once. I found out a couple of months later it was because he had a long term girlfriend he was going back to! More reassuring that you've been to his house though. It's still pretty odd and I would be wary.

ViserionTheDragon · 04/07/2019 23:57

Wantva = want a

BinkyandBunty · 04/07/2019 23:57

Maybe he's a terrible snorer (or sleep farter!) and isn't ready to inflict that on you?

Unburnished · 05/07/2019 00:11

I’d say it’s more to do with a lack of commitment. He wants to stay in hook up territory.

HidingFromDD · 05/07/2019 00:13

He snores, like a warthog....

flowerpot7 · 05/07/2019 00:23

@HidingfromDD I thought exactly the same thing 😂🙈

OP I personally don’t really like staying over peoples houses or having them stay early on in the relationship and I’m not really sure why. He sounds like he is really into you and wants a relationship so maybe he’s just not comfortable enough for that yet could be so many reasons why but I wouldn’t right things off just because of this. I just love my own bed and don’t like to share it often 😂🤷🏻‍♀️.

MashedSpud · 05/07/2019 00:28

Maybe he drools or farts a lot in his sleep. Maybe he wets the bed?

Margotsmom · 05/07/2019 00:31

I dated somone like this. Turned out he was a cannabis smoker and didn’t want me to know, he couldn’t function without it hence why he never stayed the night or left first thing.....because he needed his fix.

rvby · 05/07/2019 01:42

It took my dp literally months before he stayed at mine.

It didnt bother me, hes allowed to do what he wants.

Turns out he has chronic health issue that he finds embarrassing and that's easier to manage at home (own bathroom, knows where meds are, etc).

If all is well, let it happen.

The whole "omg so disrespectful hes penciling you in" jesus. Can't folk have needs and wants that dont revolve around the person they literally met a few weeks ago?? Hes allowed to prefer his own bed/space. Not everything is a massive personal insult.

Bluerussian · 05/07/2019 03:46

I wouldn't mind one bit. I hated having a man around in the morning when I got up, I like my mornings to myself. Similarly I didn't like being in someone else's house.

Obviously it's different with my husband, we've been married over thirty years but before I met him, I liked having the place to myself.

Six weeks is not very long, op. Give it longer before you start thinking of a long term relationship with him. It's really good that you like each other but that may not progress into anything more. Just enjoy it for what it is right now.

Monty27 · 05/07/2019 03:57

I think there could be an issue that he's not ready to share with you.
I had one like this. It turned out he had a small denture but he felt comfortable enough to stay eventually. I couldn't get passed it though. Shallow I know 😂 😂

SallyVating · 05/07/2019 05:59

I don't stay overnight anywhere unless it's a hotel room with bathroom on my own.

I've got a dodgy gut that starts around 4am and I'm not comfortable letting people know about it until I've got to know and trust them

Nanna50 · 05/07/2019 06:36

It’s only 6 weeks I agree with others he could fart all night or snore like a train, or a myriad of reasons. Maybe he sleeps better on his own, plenty people do. If someone told me they were thinking about ending our relationship if I didn’t stay over after 6 weeks I would say jog on.

He’s tried to reassure you and you can have a relationship without staying over, what difference would it actually make?

Jacqattacq · 05/07/2019 07:13

I have a chronic (invisible) health issue and for that reason absolutely hate staying the night at anyone’s house even DP’s. I am in no way having an affair or secretly in another relationship or using DP for sex - it’s just that staying the night is very stressful for me because of said health condition. I would guess that sort of reason before anything else based on the rest of his behaviour as nothing else is suggesting that he’s using you for sex or with somebody else.

Queenoftheashes · 05/07/2019 07:15

Dump him, he’s either a generic fuckboy or hiding something.

TryingToLearn · 05/07/2019 07:20

Speaking as someone who does not like staying over anywhere, it could be that he simply cannot sleep other than in his bed.

I struggle with sleep enough in my own bed, when I stay over at my bfs I can barely sleep, I keep us both awake, I get anxiety, it's just not fun or relaxing and the next day I feel awful. Obviously when you want him to stay at yours your children aren't there, but he may be concerned about sleep for you both.

Original poster
SlinkyDogDash · 05/07/2019 07:24

Thanks. I dont think hes in a relationship with someone else, as I've been to his house. I do feel uncomfortable about it as for me I like to be together for the night after sex.

When I asked him he said he snores, I told him I'm a deep sleeper. I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt for a bit longer, but if I suspect he's just wanting sex and then I'll move on.

OP posts:
Longsight2019 · 05/07/2019 07:35

A male friend of mine struggles to stay over at a new girlfriend’s house because he wears the hair fibre powder to thicken and cover a balding crown.

Check his lid Hmm

WhereisFlashGordon · 05/07/2019 07:39

I’ve had two short-lived relationships with men since my divorce who either refused to stay or left at stupid o’clock. Both turned out to be basically only interested in sex and not that bothered about me.

Have you met any of his friends yet? Are you included in any plans with other people?

I hated it. Always made me feel uncomfortable and both relationships were doomed.

hadthesnip2 · 05/07/2019 07:50

If he snores then he may use a CPAP machine. They are not very sexy & after 6 weeks he would still be uncomfortable using it in front of you.

user49er · 05/07/2019 08:00

I hate sleeping in a strange bed.. what's wrong with lovely sex and a cuddle and then having your space back and a good nights sleep?

Original poster
SlinkyDogDash · 05/07/2019 08:12

@user49er the difficulty for me is that I like spending the night together, so a man who doesnt in the longer term would be an issue to me. I'm understanding though that he may have a health reason not to and he may not want to tell me yet.

I haven't met his friends and relatives, he hasn't met mine either, I dont mind that as I dont see it as a serious relationship at this stage, but nor do I want it to be a hook up.

OP posts:
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