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Relationships

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Original poster

A man who doesnt like to sleep over?

46 replies

SlinkyDogDash · 04/07/2019 23:36

I've been dating a man for about 6 weeks. He initiates messaging daily, asks to see me once or twice a week. We are both several years divorced with children and full time jobs.

All seems good, we started having sex about a month ago, but he never wants to stay the night after initially he said he didnt have his stuff with him (unplanned), next time he said he had to go home as was working early next morning. I've been to his house, but same again, he said he had an early start and it was clear I wasnt invited to stay, just hugs and kisses goodbye.

Last week I asked him about it, whether he wanted a relationship or just sex as we never spent the night together. He said he wanted a relationship and that I could stay over at his another time, he wanted me to feel reassured about that. This week hes organised a date coming to mine but has already said he has to leave late evening as hes got a busy day at work the next day .

Am I reading too much into this? Hes good looking and could easily get a hookup, but hes spending time with me, messaging, arranging dates. I don't particularly want to confront him about sleeping over again as I'm tempted to just call it a day, I dont really want to be with a man who doesnt want to share a bed for the night. Or am I being harsh and ruling him out too soon?

OP posts:

underthebridgedowntown · 05/07/2019 08:19

My husband was like this when we were first together - he really struggles with insomnia and he couldn't handle someone else being there at first, but he didn't tell me about it for a good couple of months and I found it REALLY disconcerting. Was considering breaking up with him because I though he just didn't want me around, although fortunately never got to the point of telling him this as he opened up. There could be a very good reason, or he could just like his space this early on - you won't know unless you ask :)

TheStuffedPenguin · 05/07/2019 08:23

It's only been 6 weeks . My H and I were exactly like this when we first met . I had lived on my own for several years and was not ready for a man in my space as it were . He was also a bit of an insomniac then . We both had legitimate reasons for doing it or rather not! It happened eventually and now here we are - him in my space and him sleeping like a baby !

Ignore all this " he should be prepared to do this by now" stuff

Sunfull · 05/07/2019 08:42

I'm a really restless sleeper if I share a bed with someone. The last 'stayover' I had with someone I was dating I warned them of this in advance and asked if they would be offended if I couldn't sleep and removed myself to their sofa during the night. They said fine, I did remove myself, then first thing in the morning when I woke up climbed back in bed with them.

It worked fine!

If he's worrying about snoring can you suggest something like this to him if you were comfortable?

If he refuses I would wonder whether it really is about snoring or if he has issues with intimacy - sharing a bed with someone is quite an intimate thing to do.

NameChangeNugget · 05/07/2019 09:02

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what he’s doing.

I wouldn’t want to be staying over after sex, not a chance. Maybe if we were talking 6 years there could be an issue but, not 6 weeks. You barely know him

CookieCheesecake · 05/07/2019 09:52

Sounds exactly like someone I was seeing.

Are they from bath? South west 😂

lifebegins50 · 05/07/2019 13:36

Has he reassured you..if I didn't want to stay over (and I like getting home as have so much overnight stuff) then I would offer reasons for it.
If he isn't reassuring then that's more of an issue and symptomatic of lack of caring. He must see you are disconcerted yet doesn't say anything about it.

To me that shoes lack of empathy/lack of caring.

Fizzysours · 05/07/2019 13:37

Maybe (seriously) he snores loudly and is embarrassed?

litterbird · 05/07/2019 13:45

i wouldn't mind this at all, its horses for courses. If its really bothering you and you need that full night together, dont give up on him just yet. Give it a chance to develop and see where you are further down the line. When you have had enough of the excuses and he won't commit to nights with you then move on. I wish you the best x

Original poster

SlinkyDogDash · 05/07/2019 14:57

Thanks. He's offered various reasons for not staying, such as not having his things with him, having to get up early for work, most recently he said snoring. When I asked whether he was looking for a relationship, as I wasnt sure why we never spent the night together, he did try to reassure me and said we would soon.

I'm a different kind of person to him in that I'll happily stay over with a boyfriend regardless of whether I had it all organised, I just like the closeness of sleeping together. I'll see how the next few dates pan out.

OP posts:

Pinkmalinky · 05/07/2019 15:06

My abusive ex was like this, note the abusive. It was another method of control for him. He liked the fact he could kick me out of his house at the end of the night and he really would kick me out as well, into a taxi in the early hours. I was much younger then and stupid to put up with it for as long as I did. He made it very clear he wasn’t into sleepovers for whatever reason. I only stayed over at his once in ten months but even then he booted me out at 8am .

I would personally consider it a red flag, it’s strange behaviour.

HippyTrails · 05/07/2019 15:13

married or in a live in relationship with someone working shifts

litterbird · 05/07/2019 15:19

Oh, ok, he mentioned snoring. Sadly, I have had a relationship fail because of the most horrendous snoring I have heard. His subsequent relationships have never gone beyond living separately since we split too. He may have to use a CPAP machine which would be highly embarrassing for you to see at this early stage. I was heartbroken when we had to finish but I was a light sleeper and my work was reliant on me being awake and alert. I would have been sacked instantly if I fell asleep on the job. If he has warned you of his snoring I would guess its bad. Its something to be aware of if you wish to continue. At least he has been up front with that for you.

Original poster

SlinkyDogDash · 05/07/2019 17:31

Ok so the snoring may be the reason then. I wont know for sure until he actually tells me more or invites me to stay, he has mentioned it a couple of times though.

I suppose I'll have to judge him on the rest of our dating, if he makes an effort in other ways then I'll probably keep seeing him.

To pp who say affair, I've been to his house, including walking in and out during the daytime. He kissed me at the door, theres no evidence of another woman in his life.

OP posts:

Miniloso · 05/07/2019 17:39

He’s not from Derbyshire is he? Sounds like my ex!!

Original poster

SlinkyDogDash · 05/07/2019 17:56

Haha no hes not from Bath or Derbyshire, south-east. Maybe they are all cousins 😁

OP posts:

Miniloso · 05/07/2019 17:57

Ha! Maybe!

I’d give it till 3 month mark then if he’s still not prepared to stay over then it’s ultimatum time!

ilikepurple · 05/07/2019 18:07

I'd invite him over "for the weekend" and make it clear you want him to stay the sat night, if he finds another excuse I'd be binning him off!

StarlightLady · 06/07/2019 18:08

I can understand this. People have sex together all the time, but overnighters increase the level of intimacy greatly. There is the whole”bathroom thing” the following morning. It takes things to a different level and not always in the pleasantest way. Sharing a body and a bed is lovely. Other bodily functions are less romantic.

Pass the air freshener!

Treacle200 · 06/07/2019 19:37

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. He has only stayed the night at mine once (he was snowed in). I have spent a few nights at his, but in all honesty, if we aren't away and staying in a hotel, we always return to our own beds.

At first I thought it was really strange (he is strange in lots of ways though), but actually it does work better. I get no sleep when we spend the night together...he snores, he fidgets....he gets up at 5am! I'm glad that I decided that sleeping in separate beds was ok in the grand scheme of things.

If every other part of the relationship is good, is this something you could be ok with in the future.

MyMumisMarv · 06/07/2019 21:03

My DP used to be the same. It was for a few reasons - he found it difficult to feel comfortable enough to sleep in strange places, he also didn't like going to sleep until late so at his own place he felt comfortable getting out of bed and wandering round if he didn't feel tired. Also, he's one of those people who likes his own space after a busy, hectic day.

All that meant in the early days, he preferred to go our separate ways most of the time - he never told me at that point he needed to be on his own for a bit because he thought, and he was probably right tbf, I might take it personally. Now we've been together nearly five years though, he still like to sit quietly sometimes but he doesn't need to be in his own place. It took him a few months to relax about staying over without prior arrangement.

GodDammitAmy · 06/07/2019 23:48

It sounds like he is reassuring you OP so don't worry too much just yet. I'm 9 months into a relationship post-divorce and it took me ages to get used to having someone in my space. He doesn't stay over in the week and I am kind of glad when he goes home and I get some time to myself before bed. But he does stay at weekends and I'm finally getting used to it. I don't sleep well and found it really weird sharing a bed again after so long on my own. He might just need time to adjust to being with someone.

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