I feel so guilty

[MoominMantra]

I'm currently pregnant and the baby's father is a man I've had quite a rocky relationship with for 2 years.

He tells me he loves me but that he thinks we're too different to have a future (he's been saying this for the last 2 years). We agreed that having a baby isn't a reason to move in together either but he wants to be involved and make financial provision for the child.

Here's the thing though, even though he's 'not sure' about me he was always the one contacting me and wanting to meet up. Now that I'm pregnant, he is messaging me all day and has become controlling.

Some examples;

I'm on sertraline and have been for 4 years. It's a miracle drug for me. My youngest dd was born 11 years ago and afterwards I had to spend some time in a mother & baby psychiatric ward. I was really quite unwell. I never want to go back to that place again. The GP and midwife said I should absolutely continue with the sertraline but the baby's dad kept chipping away at me about it until finally I came off it, he was sending me articles about babys born without limbs whose mothers took sertraline. Afterwards I started to feel really unwell. When I told him this he said I should eat more fruit or go for a walk and said 'don't get into the mindset that you're ill'

Two weeks ago I had a nasty UTI. He contacted me saying he felt that the infection had got into the umbilical cord and could hurt the baby.

He has a grown up dd who won't speak to him and he's been trying to meet her to tell her about the baby but she won't see him. He turned really nasty on me because I happened to have been having a discussion with someone at my work about the fact I'm pregnant and she happens to know him and his daughter. Not well. But knows who they are. He said I've caused trouble for him because this person might tell his daughter (not likely as they are not even actual friends) and he wants her to find out from him. I should also say that his son knows but he told his son he is not to tell his sister.

When I got upset about the above situation he told me that I have no empathy which is something he repeatedly tells me. How on earth could I possibly know who may or may not know his daughter? He tells me I need to apologise (not the first time)

Anyway I told him that his behaviour is emotionally abusive and that I need a stress free pregnancy. He blew up my phone and the one time I answered it his voice sounded threatening so I put the phone down. He then sent me a messaging saying I am making serious allegations against him and he's afraid to talk to me again in case I accuse him of something else. And he says what about all the nice things he has done for me.

He has now blocked me. Good in a way, because I don't want to hear this constant badgering every day about the state of my health and perceived risks he has notions of about the baby.

But I feel so guilty because he has done some nice things for me and if I see him I feel that I do love him. It's very confusing and I feel I've let our child down if we can't get on. I go over and over it thinking is this my fault. But I also feel he can be nasty to me.

If you read to the end of this you deserve a medal!

Please don't feel guilty OP, he doesnt deserve to have anything to do with you if this is the way he treats you. I promise that controlling men like this only get worse, not better. It's not your fault and there is nothing you could have done to stop him being a controlling, abusive arsehole. It's simply his nature so don't internalise any of it.

Don't listen to him re medical advice too. He has no idea what he is talking about and you need to listen to your healthcare professionals rather than this uneducated idiot. They do lots of clinical trials before they recommend any drug during pregnancy, so he is talking absolute rubbish and a UTI cannot get into the umbilical cord (and I am a qualified in this field).

Everything he is doing is to lower your self esteem and self worth so that you are easier to continue abusing. You can never make him happy as he will pick fault with everything you do and his rules will constantly change. Everything is a headfuck and a contradiction with these men.

Do you know why he doesnt have a relationship with his daughter? It may be that she cut him off because he is such a horrible shit.

It's very hard to accept when you realise your childs father is never going to be a nice person and be able to have a mature, parenting relationship (I've been there). If I were you, I would cut contact with him completely. He is destroying your mental health and with your previous history of post partum depression, you really need to take care of yourself right now and you cannot do that with him around.

Have very little expectations of him as a father as he will likely be utterly selfish when it comes to your child too (showing up late to visitations and using them to control and abuse you further, refusing to change nappies or do night feeds, wont help with housework etc)

It's only once I let go of my expectations that I finally made peace with the fact that my DCs father is a useless abusive shit. None of them want anything to do with him now and we have cut contact (and we have our sanity back)

Don't think he won't be controlling and abusive to your child too.

'Don't think he won't be controlling and abusive to your child too.'

Yes, this is what worries me the most 😢

When he describes the way he's treated his daughter I am not surprised that they don't have a good relationship. He used to put tracking devices on her mobile phone and the way he described scenarios to me, he obviously thought she was his belonging not an individual who had the right to her own thoughts and feelings.

He sounds nuts.

Please speak to your GP and get back on the medication.

I'm so sorry Moomin. He actually sounds very deranged (who puts tracking devices on their child?). I'm actually quite worried for your safety from this man. Have you contacted womens aid?

I think it speaks volumes that she doesnt want a relationship with him. Just because he fathered a child, doesnt mean he has the right to access if he is being abusive. Please remember that and keep every abusive message as evidence as you may need it if he ever takes you to court over contact. I'd be demanding supervised contact from day 1.

My abusive exH was very controlling too and sometimes physically abusive to me. I never thought he would abuse my children but I knew he was 'strict'

He turned every contact with them to continue the abuse of me and then I found out several years later that he was physically and emotionally abusing my DC too. He was constantly interrogating them about whether I had a boyfriend and what I was doing. He'd sit them down for hours and punish them for not listening and giving him new information about me each week. I have never forgiven myself for allowing this to happen as I was naive to think he wouldnt do it to them if he was doing it to me.

All he cares about is power and control. Everyone else is just an extension of himself, especially his children. He is unable to see them as separate people with feelings that matter as he lacks any empathy.

He is also projecting onto you by saying you have no empathy. It is HIM that clearly doesnt.

Have you ever read up on narcissistic abuse?

Also read Lundy Bancroft why does he do that.

Please

@Jaffacakesaremyfave - that's just awful. I'm so sorry to hear that you and your children went through that.

I have restarted the sertraline. Hopefully that will help me cope now. He makes me doubt myself I think that is the hardest thing.

I suppose most abusers have a 'nice' side.

@Jaffacakesaremyfave - that's just awful. I'm so sorry to hear that you and your children went through that.

I have restarted the sertraline. Hopefully that will help me cope now. He makes me doubt myself I think that is the hardest thing.

I suppose most abusers have a 'nice' side.

I'm so glad to hear you've restarted the sertraline. When that kicks in in a few weeks you will start to feel much better.

Yes, abusive men can be jeckyl and hyde. They all can be nice when they want and work hard to look good to the outside world.

My ex used to take my children out every weekend to do activities (swimming, cinema, meals out etc) and because I felt like he was an 'active' father and was spending quality time with them, I never suspected he would also abuse them. It's a complete headfuck because you so want to believe they are good people and it's hard to accept you have to leave your child essentially fatherless.

The more you prepare yourself for what lays ahead with this man and understand his abusive tactics, the more you can protect yourself from him. I know it can be embarrassing but please reach out to your health visitor and midwife about this. Trust me, they've seen it all and wont judge you and will be able to offer you extra support xx

OP, I think this sounds like a man you should minimize contact with for your own sake and the sake of your baby. No guilt - quite the opposite - your baby sounds safer and will have a more stable life without him being a significant part of it.

This isn't a case that you have had a good relationship with a good man, which has gone wrong and could be fixed. Pretty much everything you describe from every angle suggests consistent character flaws which are long-standing, which he has no ability to self-reflect on, and which will not go away. The fact that he has done some nice things doesn't change that and you don't owe him anything.

You have a fork in the road to decide on - get deeper into something which already has all the signs that it would be destructive for you and your child, or start building a future with you in control. I am wishing you luck.

OP, I think this sounds like a man you should minimize contact with for your own sake and the sake of your baby. No guilt - quite the opposite - your baby sounds safer and will have a more stable life without him being a significant part of it.

This isn't a case that you have had a good relationship with a good man, which has gone wrong and could be fixed. Pretty much everything you describe from every angle suggests consistent character flaws which are long-standing, which he has no ability to self-reflect on, and which will not go away. The fact that he has done some nice things doesn't change that and you don't owe him anything.

You have a fork in the road to decide on - get deeper into something which already has all the signs that it would be destructive for you and your child, or start building a future with you in control. I am wishing you luck.

Nearly all abusers have a 'nice' side.
How else would they get their claws into anyone?
They wouldn't
It's the nice / nasty cycle.
Please massively distance yourself from this man.

It says a lot a man when his own DD won't talk to him as an adult.
He will abusive to your DC.

Please also block him on everything.
He can easily unblock you and start his shite again.
Don't allow that.
Block, ignore, delete.

Reach out to friends and family for support.

Personally I would get word to him you ahev lost the baby and then never contact him again. Absolutely no good will come from having him around. Your baby does not need such a controlling abusive df imo.
Glad you are back on your meds.

My friend says I should still let him come to scans .

You're right, it is embarrassing but I have told one midwife about it and she's coming next week.

He's 50 years old so is very unlikely to change.

My friend says I should still let him come to scans .

You need to find a better friend.

Your friend is wrong.

You have done well to get away from him .

He sees absolutely nothing wrong with his behaviour. I think he's very bad for my mental health on various levels.

For his daughter to have cut him out of her life she must feel he adds nothing to it 😬

He sounds insane. I think you should keep your distance. If he's controlling and abusive of you, then think what he'll be like to your child.

And yes, all abusers have a nice side - they have to, if they were constantly insane/controlling/unpleasant, we'd never stay with them.

it also aids intermittent reinforcement which is a way of fucking with your head so that you stay with them.

I can't legally stop him from having contact with our child can I?

He sounds nuts.
He sounds insane.

Yep.

I don't know about his contact- the legal board on here, or a family law, solicitor, or women's aid might be ports of call for advice.

Someone else might be able to answer in this thread, I hope.

I can't legally stop him from having contact with our child can I?

Possibly not, unless he gives you strong evidence that the child will not be safe with him. However, that does not mean that contact will all have to be on his terms. Furthermore, he has no rights whatsoever to be involved in your pregnancy. Bear in mind that scans are not primarily intended to be an experience day for mummy and daddy to go gooey eyed at the screen and get their souvenir picture. It is first and foremost a medical examination to check on the development of the foetus. Hopefully everything goes swimmingly for you but you may still have questions to ask or discussions to have with the medical staff. Do you honestly think if you let him attend he will sit there quietly and let you get on with it uninterrupted? Same with the birth. Fathers are there primarily to provide support to the mother. Sure, they get the benefit of sharing in the experience but that's a by-product. You don't owe him an experience and if he's not going to be a positive factor for you he shouldn't be there.

You don't need to put up with his shit any longer. Find the strength to embrace that and take back control of your life.

Yes he has said he wants to be at the birth. This won't be happening now. I think I'm going to just get on with things and avoid speaking to him any more.

Any good feelings I have about him are likely to be an illusion.

People_s children usually really badly want to have a relationship with them, to see the good in then; they often give them loads of chances and try repeatedly - the fact that his daughter doesn't want to have anything to.do with him ... Says a lot.

And here he is covering up the fact he's fathered another child, her half brother or sister; keeping it from her and lying by omission etc. So what he has learned - he still thinks lying and keeping her in the dark is a good approach .

Nor should you, being pregnant with his child who'll be here in the blink of an eye, have to cover it up of lie by omission or choose who you tell about it. Yours expecting a child; it's natural and normal to tell people, you have the right to tell whoever you want, if shouldn't be a secret to anyone. That's fked up.

And sadly that's not even the worst thing he's said/done. Encouraging you to come off medication that affects your mental health, scare mongering and emotionally blackmailing you to do it ... So incredibly irresponsible. The only people advising you on that should be experienced medical professionals. Same with the nonsensical, mad UTI stuff.

Seriously, he sounds like bad news all round; do whatever you can to keep him out of you and your child's life. He's so irresponsible and flakey maybe (hopefully!) he will do little and not pursue much contact.

Of course he’s nice to you sometimes, he gives you just enough to reel you & make you doubt things.

Make no mistake, this is abuse. Pregnancy can and often does exacerbate abuse. But it’s not too late, you can regain control of the situation and of your own health and well-being.

What support do you have around you?

I do have some support from my own family. My mum gets frustrated with me because she feels I should have been stronger and cut him off before this would have happened. She does understand that having Aspergers makes me vulnerable and I lack the social skills to even recognise when someone is being abusive. I tend to think that if someone says they love me, it must be true.

And my mum has said that if he turns up on my doorstep (which he has done before) she'll warn him off.

He's definitely worse since I got pregnant. There was a couple of really nasty things he did. One was accusing me of giving him a STI / cheating on him. He had tests and when they all came back negative (and his symptoms were caused by a UTI) he didn't tell me, just let me believe he still thought I'd given him a STI. Another time he finished with me in a crowded restaurant. Then the next day he turned up on my doorstep crying.

One thing I would say, is that I'm far more concerned about the baby than I am about him. I don't really want to spend time with him any more. So at least I can focus on being well.