Does the truth come out when drunk?

[Blushingm]

I need some opinions - please?

I have a bf. but we live an hour apart and I work full time plus I have 2 teenaged dc.

He doesn't work as he's waiting for back surgery (he's a fully qualified skilled carpenter).

We see each other every Friday and I stay over. He always says how he wishes we could see each other more often. He drinks - I think out of boredom and loneliness - usually 2 nights a week and gets drunk (I know this isn't healthy and so does he).

Any way when he drunk he always seems to question our relationship- says things like he loves me so much but wonders if we would be better off if we found people closer to where we live etc.......some times he gets quite nasty saying that it's not a proper relationship, he wants someone he can see several times a week whenever the feeling takes him etc etc.

When he's sober he says that I shouldn't listen or believe the things he says.....but I worry the truth comes out when he's drunk - he just can't admit it when he's sober

How long have you been seeing him?

He sounds awful, how horrible for you, I would tell him if he says it again you will take him at his word, it is a way for people to say what they don't have the guts to even sober I am afraid - drinking means inhibitions are lowered so you get the real person, you deserve better

When we’ve been drinking we think that everything we have to say is the right thing to say. So these things are likely already on his mind. Now when he’s sober, he may be able to reason with himself & tell himself that the relationship is worth it, but he doesn’t have this level of control when he’s drunk. I think speak to him about just how much it bothers you when he says things like this & see if it changes. If it continues, perhaps initiate a conversation about the relationship and where the both of you want to be.

Does he always drink and get morose with you there every Friday night? Do you (could you) know if he drinks on the other nights?

I’d be less worried about what he says than the fact he has an alcohol problem. Do you really want to be in a relationship with a regular drunk who doesn’t seem that into you?

Why would you want to be with someone who is drunk when with you? Not sure it matters what he says - even if he was silent when drunk it would be problematic - as he is not emotionally available - same as when he is “sober” - if we are talking the next day - it is likely that he is hungover - so still not tuned in to the relationship. If this is how it is frequently I would say you could do much better than this.

How did you meet? What is his relationship history?

Insecurities come out when your drunk maybe, as well as a load of nonsense. Never the truth

I agree with Surfingtheweb

I do think that the truth comes out under the influence of alcohol because the usual social inhibitors are reduced. I recently ended a relationship because of what was said in these circumstances. Once something upsetting is said it cannot be easily forgotten

No it's not the truth when you drink alot your brain feels like it's been in a car crash as it is sodden with the poison ethanol

Why would you want to stay with anyone who got nasty when they were drunk, regardless of whether it was trash talk, he's not saying jibberish daft stuff, he's saying unkind things, it will unsettle you.

I don't think alcohol is necessarily a 100% truth serum - I've said some ridiculous things when really drunk in the past that seemed logical at the time but nothing I felt or believed when sober!

Saying that I also think alcohol can act as a way of lowering inhibitions which might make people more likely to say what's on their mind.

However - alcohol is also a depressant so it can help people look on the darker side of life.

The point is - it's really hard to tell exactly what he truly feels when he is saying these things under the influence of alcohol. But what is true is that he is consistently behaving in an upsetting way to you when drunk and doing nothing to address that.

In vino, veritas. Cliche, but true!

That's not nice for you OP.

If your dd was in a relationship & her bf was saying things like that to her when he was drunk, what advice would you give her?

for you.

@Sunfull is nail-on-head

Inhibitions and filters get dropped when drunk.
Things that people would normally be too polite to say tend to come out. The thoughts need to be their for them to say it.

Thank you for all your replies - it's much appreciated. I'll try and answer some questions

I've known him 7 years but only became a couple in February this year

He says these things on times I'm not with him but he will text/phone - when we are together we get on great but I do understand he gets lonely as he can't work at the moment. I wonder if he drinks because he's lonely and depressed and then the alcohol magnifies his feelings? Or maybe I'm looking for excuses?

Drunkards, if they live long, often develop dementia.

Personally, I don’t believe what someone says when drunk always represents their true feelings.

So he’s unemployed, depressed, drinks too much, doesn’t live near you so you have to travel to him ( presumably when your kids are with their dad), he says nasty things to you, isn’t that into you and you’ve only been with him 4 months .

The hills are that way >>>>>>>>>>>>>

No I don't think people generally speak the truth when drunk as they don't really have the capacity to, most of what's said is nonsense.

But there's a lot more going on than that. What do you get out of the relationship?

What Rosemary46 said with bells on.

Op, he has a problem with alcohol. He behaves badly and hurts you emotionally when drinking, but this doesn't stop him from picking up the bottle again.

Sometimes people talk rubbish when drunk, sometimes they say the stuff that's on their mind but sober inhibitions stop them saying. If he's repeatedly bringing this up then it's likely the latter.

Also, nasty drunks are often just nasty people that hide it better when sober. Over time he'll hide it less. There are a whole bunch of signs that this relationship will bring trouble and misery to your door and it's still very early days.

Think very carefully about getting in deeper here - regardless of why he's nasty or has an alcohol issue, these are things that will damage both you and your children if you move in together (which seems to be what he's hinting at).

He said things to upset you.... the first time he did it could be excused. After that he is choosing to drink, even though he knows he will say hurtful things.
And then he's minimising.

Are you making loads of excuses for him because he's about to have surgery?

In vino veritas
Ltb