Boyfriend on dating apps messaging teenagers

[Coconutlattelover]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

Background is relevant here - we are both 26, been together since we were 21. Both (as far as I know) been faithful. We were recently watching Easy on Netflix and there’s a married couple on there exploring polyamory. Bf asked me how I felt about that, and I stupidly said I didn’t think I’d be overly jealous. I don’t know why I said this, I think I just don’t know my own feelings or something. I said ‘hmm do it if you want’ but I didn’t think he actually would - anyway next day I discover him swiping frantically on Tinder, Bumble and Ok Cupid - he has downloaded all three and has set his age settings to 18-21! An 18 year old girl would have been like 12 when we met, which just seems like a very big and worrying age gap. Also I feel like it’s predatory. He showed me the messages he’s been sending as he said he has nothing to hide since “we agreed” and I felt overwhelmed and upset by them, sending a message to a girl carrying a cat which said ‘nice pussy’ - he said he’d not get emotionally attached and that I’d always be his no.1 hmm

I have brought this on myself I know by saying I found the idea interesting and even a sight turn on when we were just talking about it. I’m not happy about this anymore though and don’t know what to do.

Aaahhhhhb

Tell him your not happy with it.

I have told him I’m not happy and he’s said I’m being unreasonable as I said I didn’t think I’d be jealous

Just tell him you have had a few days to think about it properly and it is in fact a massive deal for you and he needs to stop it. He sounds like a bit of a twat tbh

So the oldest he’d consider is 21?? Whilst that’s not a huge age gap it’s a pretty huge red flag that his age settings are several years younger than his own age. Gross. You need to tell him you’ve changed your mind and you’re not comfortable with it, if he makes even the slightest fuss you need to get rid.

You dug yourself a nice little hole.
Now start digging yourself out.
And also: get away from this man asap

Your boyfriend has told you he wants to shag 18 year olds on the side. That isn't your doing, you just gave him permission to tell you.

At 26 and in a LTR you may be thinking about settling down permanently and having children. Use this as an opportunity to have a think about whether you're right for each other. he sounds like a twat

Tell him he asked you on the spot and you had not thought about it, but now that you have you are not happy. You did not "agree" to let him go on dating sites, he assumed that you did. And if he is not happy about it then get rid of him!

omg run! ask him how these girls mums would feel about their 18 yr olds being shagged by a grown 26 yr old???? and bear in mind theyre saying they are 18. possibly they`re younger in reality?? yuck

dirty old man

He sounds absolutely vile OP! Just the comments alone he is sending to these young girls (nice pussy- barf!!!) are enough to leave. I'd be embarrassed if my partner sent that message to anyone, let alone a young girl and then showed it to me like it's something to be proud of.

Has he always been a misogynistic twat?

P.S You are allowed to change your mind OP. Even if you said you didnt mind, you now know that it would bother you.

Any normal partner would be understanding about this and not carry on despite how you feel just because of one time you said it would be OK.

I hope he doesnt have that attitude to sex generally. He sounds rapey

dirty old man Old? At 26 really?

18-21 and a 26 year old shagging isn’t really dirty or uncommon. Both are adults 🤷🏻‍♀️ Even at 18 I had no interest in 18 year old men, I’ve always gone for men a fair few years older. Even at 18 it’s what an 8 year age gap, pretty standard in the couples I know. The age gap in my marriage is more than that.

Not the age thing even matters here so back to the OP Yes you were a bit daft saying do it if you want, I mean why would you say that?

Fact is he now wants to shag someone else and you don’t like the idea so the only thing here is to break up really.........

he asked you about a fictional circumstances - you were theoretically OK with it. In practice is a whole other story.

Did he actually say "can I go and look for other people to bang?"
Did you say yes?
You're allowed to change your mind regardless of this. But unless the two steps above were done then its not even changing your mind

It's a good job you've seen him for who he is OP - keen to sample the delights of other women, and not interested in your genuine feelings about him doing this. You got together very young and are now growing apart, so at least you know and can be thankful for having had a lucky escape. Move on.

I think you mean your ex boyfriend....

Please tell me this didn’t really happen...?

Why did you say “do it if you want”? That’s very different to “theoretically I don’t think I’d be jealous”!

Even if I said this to DH, his first response wouldn’t be to download bloody tinder and say “but you said you’d be fine with it”

Say to him immediately “I am not comfortable with this, delete the apps now” and if he doesn’t, break up with him. It’s very simple! If he’s that quick to jump on a passing comment to find some barely legal women to shag, he’s not taking your relationship very seriously.

Erm what? Run. For the hills. Like another poster said, he's going to do what he likes and gives 0 fucks about how you feel about it.

This won't end well. Take charge now and tell him to fuck the fuck off. And 8 years is a big age gap. I dated an older man to get away from an abusive mother and several years later he was arrested for downloading indecent images of children. I was a very young looking 16 year old. Still makes me sick to think about it. A 26 year old man chasing 18 year olds is predatory and you need to get away from him pronto.

Absolutely vile. He doesn’t have respect for you.

Why did you say 'do it if you want'?

I would hate it. Absolutely hate it.

Tell him you have changed your mind. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

I dont think the age think is awful. Though it's odd that he wouldnt even consider some his own age.

This can not be an, otherwise, great relationship.

You are allowed to change your mind.
Tell him you've changed your mind.
If he reacts angrily or doesn't respect your right to change your mind then time to LTB.
I imagine if he takes the news badly and you stay together he will feel entitled to do it without telling you or getting your permission because once you said yes.

But you genuinely didn't know how you felt about it when it hadn't happened...

Now it has happened and you don't like it, and that's absolutely OK.

Explain this to him.

I still think he's a twat though, and think you might have accidentally opened a Pandora's Box as now he's started messaging the girls he won't want to stop.

If he genuinely loved and cared for you, and had any respect for your feelings, he would have stopped immediately and apologised. The fact he tried to turn it on you and blame you, unfortunately tells you all you need to know.

But you're both very young still. I'd ditch him and move on.

I have a few poly friends and for it to work you need ground rules agreed in advance. Not just a vague hmm yeah maybe then off you pop. Your BF just wants carte blanche to shag around, and he sounds like a massive sleaze tbh. Time to move onwards and upwards, you deserve better!

Pretty much concur with everyone's comments. Another interesting point would be, how he felt if you set up profiles and looked around for other young men, real young studs...? I have found that many of these types seem to only consider itm as far as their own harem building is concerned and react rather jealous if you did the same...

Open relationships (genuine ones) require good communication which is ongoing, and respect for each other's feelings about what is happening. That is not what he's done - you had a casual conversation, and he's run with it. You are allowed to now say that you have reservations, and if you're going to explore non-monogamy, you need to agree some rules. If he doesn't want to communicate, and respect your feelings, this isn't going to work. There's a lot of good info out there on the interwebs, and a book called 'The Ethical Slut' if you want to do some heavier reading. [From someone in a monogamous relationship, but with a couple of non-monogamous couple-friends, who I have watched go through various agonies and iterations of their relationship...]

I would put money on the fact he's been doing it all along and now just feels he doesn't have to hide it.
That kind of attention is addictive for some people and it's an ego stroke.
Regardless though he sounds like a complete dick.
Scouting hook up apps for teenagers is grim even if they are legally adults.

I think he feels entitled to do what he’s been doing on the DL, in plain sight.

You do know you own feelings, it’s just that you’re used to them taking a backseat. Your bf is a twat, ‘I don’t think I’d be jealous’ is only a green light to a twat who can’t be bothered keeping his seedy behaviour secret anymore.

It doesn’t sound like you are too shocked by his actions and this probably isn’t the first time that you’ve blamed yourself for his shitty behaviour.