Self absorbed school mum

[VelcroMum]

Wise mumsnetters, please help me get a more chilled perspective. Ds's best friend's mum really winds me up and it's starting to stress me and I feel so silly about it all.

I met the mum when our dc were at nursery and we started hanging out lots. I really liked her in the beginning and thought we had lots of shared interests and the boys became good friends.

After a few months I noticed that she is actually a massive energy sucker. She is always negative and moans about absolutely everything. You could be talking about something good or positive and she would pick out what's negative about it. She seems vey moody, sullen and angry but also super attention seeking.

I soon realised she only ever talks about herself and about her children's achievements, expecting me to compliment her and her children on all the wonderful things they do and achieve.

However she never ever has anything to say when I mention what my children have been up to. She is simply not interested and changes the subject when I speak about my kids / myself / my family etc.. That's fine by all means but she uses us for favours, offload all her moany misery, when she wants something she will contact me all the time otherwise she keeps her distance.

I am trying to distance myself without causing a fall out as I have years of school run to share (youngest dc are also in the same year at school)

Our boys are very good friends....

And one more thing whenever I speak to any of the other parents at the school gate, she always, without fail cuts in, talks over me and dominates the conversation. When we help out at school events or at the football club the dc go to, she is super bossy and pushy ordering me around to do all sorts of errand and actually gets angry if things don't go as she expects them. Arrg.

She is really doing my head in. Why is she acting this way towards me?
How can I keep cool and avoid getting annoyed by her whilst seeing her twice a day on the school run and at all the other activities the boys share? Help!

I feel that if I assert myself I am just going to get really cross and it will cause a fall out. So I nod and smile.

Rant over.

Just ditch her. Life is too short to bother with a fun sponge.

She sounds like she is very unhappy 😔 I also wonder if she is aware she is a bit clingy or moany so then worries and keeps her distance but then repeats the cycle 🤷🏼‍♀️

But either way life is far too short. I would think it’s ok to gradually phase her out in a natural way. Or maybe even say, gosh is everything okay you seem v fed up? And see what happens?

Know quite a few people like this, I think they're narcissists or sociopaths or something (armchair psychology).

The only way is to absolutely minimise contact and you'll never change them.

She sounds like a narcissist. I’d steer clear.

I think if she’s starred to order you around now is the time to say something.
Just because your sons are friends doesn’t mean you two have to be. If she values your friendship she will take your candour in the spirit it is meant and rein herself in. If she doesn’t then let her find someone else to boss around.

Most normal parents would let their children’s friendship flourish regardless. You need to carry on insofar as any cooling off between the two of you doesn’t upset the children and of course she does too.😬

Any tips how can I ditch her as I have to see her several times a day as well as playdate pick ups, football club etc. I also am quite sure she moans to a couple of the other mums about me and my ds as she moans about others to me.

Whatever happens to her and her family is presented as super important, she is often outraged and tells me how other people or the school / the kids' football club have let her ds down as they didn't go out of their way to accommodate her / his wants and perceived needs.

She is not a bad person but pushy and only interested in herself and her family - generally I just feel used. I know her fairly well, always offer to help her when needed and have always been friendly. It's feels crap that the friendliness feels one sided.

After initially really liking her I usually was left feeling a bit after spending any time with her. To me she comes across as so intense, negative and self absorbed. However that's her right, I can't change her......

How do I change myself and my way of dealing with her.

There seem to be a few issues. With regard to her talking about herself all the time - that's easy you just don't ever meet up with her one to one. We've all been there. Nightmare and you have to just stop seeing these people because as you say, they just suck your energy.

With regard to the barging in - that sounds really annoying! I hope others have some suggestions. Mine would be either to be really assertive and say - actually Carol I was still talking to Susan and hadn't finished and then carry on saying what you were saying. Or say to the person you were talking to "see you in a minute" smile at just them and walk away.

Either way do not put up with it.

And finally the bossing about at event. Just say no! Go off and do what you want to do. Presumably she has not right to tell you what to do???

I am sure you can be assertive but not rude. I understand about not wanting to fall out with someone you are going to see for years!

I could have written this post!
I think she's competing against you. She has low-self esteem deep down and
any of your and your DC's achievements feel like a kick in the teeth to her.
She recognizes you are a great mum and is envious so she will try to bring you down, especially in front of others.
It's a horrible form if flattery.
I stopped contact with my 'friend'. Was vague, no eye contact at the school gates and always 'busy'. I blocked her phone number too and initially stated I was having 'phone problems' when she asked.
Her behaviour was also rubbing off on her DS and he started acting the same way as his mother. My DS realised this boy, his friend was trying to put him down and compete with him over everything and their relationship also soured.

I see you have playdates etc to negotiate. Can you start handing over at the front door and make that the new normal? sorry, in a rush, sort of thing. then you won't get sucked into her moaning etc?

One more thing.

She does everything on her terms, always.

When others do things on their terms including me or my ds, and it doesn't tie in with what works best for her or her ds, she gets genuinely upset and quite cross. She has vey high expectations of others.

Keep her at arms length and only engage when you need to.

The more you write, particularly the last post regarding your sonnthen I think it should be easier to withdraw.
I would find it much easier to be cut and dried with someone who didn’t give much consideration to what my child go out of a friendship with her child.

Perhaps if you stand your ground with your son’s interests and feelings as I’m sure you want to and do, she will become less keen on spending time with you?

"You're not the boss of me" is childish, but satisfying when someone starts ordering you to do all the menial tasks while they organise you.

Thank you all for your posts. It's reassuring to read.

I have been trying to keep her at arms length.

Maybe I am giving out mixed signals as I am wary of her yet friendly so possibly inconsistent.

Because she is so intense and comes across like a pressure cooker or a ticking time bomb I am very careful not to trigger her.

The biggest obstacle to me ditching her is that the boys are best friends, they are in the same class and in the same football club so our paths cross all the time.

In the last few months I avoided meeting up one to one, which has worked well. However, more recently she has shown that her demands of others to do her and her ds's bidding extend to my ds as well. I guess that shouldn't come as a surprise. But it makes me really cross, which I don't show.

*But it makes me really cross, which I don't show.
But I have started feeling very anxious about it all.

Ooh everyone is a narcissist on here, bloody hell. She's not, she's just unhappy and insecure. Just slowly distance yourself if you want.

I had a similar situation but luckily I didn't need to see this mum quite so much as you.

I think the best thing you can do is to become cooler with her, but always polite and reduce any favours or help you give her.... Eventually she will start to lose interest with you, when she finds you aren't of as much use to her family anymore, she might even not want your child playing with hers as much, which could be hard but better in the long run.

She will more than likely moan about you to others, but you suspect she is doing that anyway, so just don't care... I'm sure others will realise what she's like soon enough.

Try to make sure you never gossip about others with her, because you can't be sure she won't use it against you.

Try to make sure you never gossip about others with her, because you can't be sure she won't use it against you.

That's good advice, thank you. Part of me is tempted to see if others perceive her in a similar way probably to validate my own misgivings, which is of course childish. But yeah, nothing would be gained from speaking other mums about her other than 1) gossip and 2) drama, which I seek to avoid. Also, I think very easily i could end up looking like the bad guy, which would be ironic and unfortunate.

I really just want peace of mind. So, I will distance myself further and stop being (possibly over-) friendly, which i think I do to compensate for my feelings of unease around her.

Very recently she created a drama about how ds (6) has let her ds down for which she blamed my ds openly. I feel the urge to set her straight and 'defend' my ds but based on her tense 'ticking time bomb' energy I won't. Biting my tongue is making me feel anxious. But that's surely better than any drama or fall out that would ensue from what she would perceive as criticism against her person.

She is very, very touchy.

I think you should defend your ds. How awful of her.
Just have nothing to do with her other than the bare minimum.
Be polite but just be busy.

one, which has worked well. However, more recently she has shown that her demands of others to do her and her ds's bidding extend to my ds as well.

Can you give some examples?

I suspect the other parents feel similarly to you, so I wouldn't worry about what they think.

I agree with being polite, but distant and actually I think if the boys are friends in school but you'd rather not do plays tea, that's fine. Cool it off for a bit, they'll still get to see each other plenty. Although you've just said that her son is ordering yours about; all the more reason to cool it a bit.

I suspect the other parents feel similarly to you

Yes, she probably doesn't like me either. But that doesn't explain her pushiness, the cutting in and her expecting all sorts without reciprocating and getting very upset when she doesn't get her way. Though I think the worst is the negativity, everything is not good enough but she goes on about her children being super talented. It's just very self absorbed.

fedup21 It's totally silly stuff like the boys wanting to play different games and ds's friend sulking for ages and then having a big wobble because ds wanted to play a different game. The mum enables all this hence reinforces the drama.

I had actually meant be careful what you say to the negative mum about others because if you do end up pulling back from her, she might try stirring trouble for you with other parents.

I can understand the temptation to gage the feelings of other parents about her and if I'm honest I did that in my situation (you are much more mature than me🤣) but only with one other mum, who I trusted and it did give me a bit of strength to realise I had, had enough.

You must have a lot of self restraint (or she must give off a really weird intimidating energy) as I would have used the rudeness about my child as a trigger to set some boundaries with her/cut ties. I did that in my situation (though she had been rude about me rather than my child because I hadn't agreed to collect her child from school) I told her to not contact me anymore and I informed the headteacher, who told me they had received many complaints about her.

As clear as day she is a total selfish self absorbed narcissist.

Maybe it appears everyone is always saying that now but maybe it's because we've become more aware of the signs, or perhaps as a society we're creating more with our inherent need to be bigger and better and more consumerist.

Step away from the narcissist. You'll love how much better your life is without her. And stand up for your DC, fgs!

She’s a bully. The only way to deal with a bully is to stand up to them. Stop trying to bite your tongue just to keep the peace. Simply say ‘that’s not true X, blah blah blah’. ‘Don’t say that about my son, they can take turns deciding what to play etc etc’.
You are not going to change her, but you are being a doormat. She will push you around until you push back. She has no power over you. If it costs your son his friendship that is a shame but he will make other friends.