Self absorbed school mum

[VelcroMum]

Wise mumsnetters, please help me get a more chilled perspective. Ds's best friend's mum really winds me up and it's starting to stress me and I feel so silly about it all.

I met the mum when our dc were at nursery and we started hanging out lots. I really liked her in the beginning and thought we had lots of shared interests and the boys became good friends.

After a few months I noticed that she is actually a massive energy sucker. She is always negative and moans about absolutely everything. You could be talking about something good or positive and she would pick out what's negative about it. She seems vey moody, sullen and angry but also super attention seeking.

I soon realised she only ever talks about herself and about her children's achievements, expecting me to compliment her and her children on all the wonderful things they do and achieve.

However she never ever has anything to say when I mention what my children have been up to. She is simply not interested and changes the subject when I speak about my kids / myself / my family etc.. That's fine by all means but she uses us for favours, offload all her moany misery, when she wants something she will contact me all the time otherwise she keeps her distance.

I am trying to distance myself without causing a fall out as I have years of school run to share (youngest dc are also in the same year at school)

Our boys are very good friends....

And one more thing whenever I speak to any of the other parents at the school gate, she always, without fail cuts in, talks over me and dominates the conversation. When we help out at school events or at the football club the dc go to, she is super bossy and pushy ordering me around to do all sorts of errand and actually gets angry if things don't go as she expects them. Arrg.

She is really doing my head in. Why is she acting this way towards me?
How can I keep cool and avoid getting annoyed by her whilst seeing her twice a day on the school run and at all the other activities the boys share? Help!

I feel that if I assert myself I am just going to get really cross and it will cause a fall out. So I nod and smile.

Rant over.

No, I mean the other parents feel the same as you, not she feels the same as you.

I would publicly defend DS. Not aggressively, but politely and firmly. Kill her with kindness whilst standing your ground. She will realise that you are not there for her amusement or to service her and hopefully you can get along amicably and from a distance, without the children noticing anything.

Is your ds old enough to understand the "you don't have to be friends with him if you don't want to" conversation yet?

Perhaps the other boy is demanding that your ds has to be friends with him and your ds is pressured into it when he would rather play with others. Could you have a word with your ds's teacher and ask if they have noticed anything in the way of your ds being bossed around a bit.

Your policy of 'keeping the peace' won't work with her type.
You need to be upfront, blunt and not give one shiny shit about her feelings or the years of school runs ahead of you.

You need to perfect that air of always being in a rush/busy/running late etc
As soon as she starts talking to you- "Can't stop - got things to do"
NEVER EXPLAIN YOURSELF to someone like this.
Get used to using "No" as a complete sentence.

You might need to limit the amount of interaction your dc has with hers outside of school, i.e play dates at each others houses
Remember -ANY contact/attention she gets from you will be manipulated.

exactly what SavingSpaces2019 said.

OP I could have written this post. Just reading it is making me twitch.

Her behaviour toward you won’t change, all you can change is how you deal with her. polite but vague, grey rock-ish and always in a hurry. make other ‘mum friends’ at the school and join in with other things so she’s just one of many. say no to any request.

Negative comments about your DS are incredibly rude, you can choose to set her straight or choose to be anxious, its up to you to make that call but if you don’t manage this you’ve just got years more of the same ahead if you. If she’s negative about DS in front of him that can’t go unchallenged. DC learn from you how to deal with this sort of stuff.

The DC are friends, you can be benignly friendly. You are not alone.

I don’t understand people who treat school pick up time as a social occasion. Just turn up bang on start/finish time, usher your DC through the doors then leave. If you see her, give her a nod and hello then keep moving.

@Pinkmalinky not everyone is that lucky. delayed school kick-outs, parents waiting in playgrounds, shared DC activities, harder to go under the radar in a smaller school too.

I had DC friends mother block my car in the car park to try and force my DC to keep hers company for half an hour while her other DC was in band practice! I should write a book, hilarious thinking back but at the time it was really alarming. telling an overbearing playground mum to fuck off is tricky when the DC are friends and stuck together potentially for years.

Six-year-olds 'letting each other down'! Honestly, some people don't live in the real world, no wonder there are so many snowflakes by the time they get to college.

As someone mentioned, I would be very careful and sound out your DS if he actually still wants to be as close friends with this woman's son. Sounds like the personality and attitude has been passed on. Perhaps your DS is feeling pushed into and obligated to continue what might be a one-sided friendship.

I think you keeping the peace has allowed her to behave as she does. Luckily you have the school holidays coming up so you can naturally start distancing yourself. You can always have plans if she wants to meet up.
Start the new term in September with a different mindset. You say everything is on her terms, practise saying no, sorry that doesnt work for us, we're busy etc. Stop allowing her to boss you, when she tells you to do something, say sorry you'll have to manage by yourself/ask someone else because you are busy/already have a job etc. You need to reset the relationship, she only moans/whinges/bosses you because you let her.