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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So lonely in my marriage

40 replies

SensationsThaisweetchilli · 03/07/2019 23:47

I’m sorry in advance for posting such a negative thread, I’ve no idea what I hope to gain from it at this point but here it is.

I’m a SAHM to 3 DC, one in primary school, the other 2 under 4. I’m 32, my DH and I met and married in our early twenties.

It feels like DH has entirely checked out of our marriage on every possible level. I’m SAHM and I care for the kids and all the housework all day every day. DH will get in from work, eat dinner (without really talking to us) then go straight up to his gaming room. He plays in an online team and then sits and plays with his team till past midnight, chatting and laughing. I sort the kids at bedtime then usually clean the house a bit and sit by myself downstairs watching TV or on mumsnet then fall asleep. Wake up the next morning and repeat. Our sex life is non-existent. On the weekends, I’ll usually plan something nice and take the kids out (mainly out of guilt for their disinterested dad) and he’ll stay home alone to ‘relax’. About 1 in 5 times he’ll come out with us but inevitably anger over something or the other. Last week, I planned a day out at a museum. At breakfast, he asked the DC ‘which exhibits do we want to see?’ And DC1 (6 yr old) replied ‘Mum and I have planned to visit exhibit A and B’ and he had a massive strop at me later as we excluded him.

My problem is that I have 3 kids, I’m a SAHM and I’m from a very conservative South asian culture. Basically I feel utterly stuck as I can’t leave him for just not wanting to spend any time with me.

I can’t even see anyone else in the evenings as he won’t watch the kids and all my friends want to socialise as couples. I hide all this form everyone around me because I can’t admit how tedious my own husband finds me. I was a really sociable person and now I’m just on my own all day and night and it’s absolutely killing me.

It makes me feel so incredibly sad that I’m never ever going to have another person in my life to just wind down in the evening and have a little chat with.

OP posts:

Surfingtheweb · 03/07/2019 23:51

I don't know what the solution is. But I just wanted to say that I think you are doing an amazing job and I'm thinking of you. Someone else who has much better advice on how to try and tackle these issues will definitely be along shortly.x

Emmapeeler · 03/07/2019 23:54

OP you sound lovely, warm-hearted and intelligent. You deserve better than this! I would start by telling your DH how you feel. His behaviour in the evening is appallingly dismissive. I feel really sorry for you. It is horrible feeling lonely in a relationship

midsummabreak · 04/07/2019 00:03

You can leave because " Dh has checked out on every possible level"

Return to work. Start studying or looking at work options now and getting resume sorted. Youare stillvery young and can establish a career and independence
Can you have friends /mums over during the day / playdates with other children

ExtraFox19 · 04/07/2019 00:09

He’s the tedious one OP. He is missing out on his lovely wife and children to be in his gaming room🙄- how sad.

Original poster

SensationsThaisweetchilli · 04/07/2019 00:09

Thank you all so much for replying, I honestly feel like I’m losing my mind sometimes.

I’ve been applying for jobs to start when my twins start school in September. It’s terrifying and I know it will be harder as DH won’t help with anything (women working is yet another thing which is frowned upon in our community) but I just can’t continue like this anymore. I feel so trapped.

I do socialise lots with other mums etc in the day but it’s so superficial. I can’t tell anyone anything that’s going on in my life. They talk about their partners, their plans, getting time away from the kids, and I just sit and listen like an idiot because I have nothing to add.

The absolute hardest past is his team is on speaker while he plays so I can hear them all laughing and chatting while I sit here alone every night of my life

OP posts:

midsummabreak · 04/07/2019 01:03

So glad you are getting back to work when your children are at school

IYou will be fantastic in your new job. Everyone feels nervous when they have had a break from the paid working world. You do an amazing unpaid job every day , and a supportive partner would be showing their gratitude , not ignoring you without a thanks for all that you do.

Pat yourself on the back for the skills you use daily to parent your children and work at home.

midsummabreak · 04/07/2019 01:04

It is not you that should be ashamed, it is your Dh.

midsummabreak · 04/07/2019 01:05

Ihatehashtags · 04/07/2019 01:27

Op that is awful. You may as well leave because even though you’ll be on your own, you’ll be free! And you are doing everything anyway so you won’t notice a difference. I can’t see your husband wanting the kids much of you do split so that’s probably not going to be an issue either. What are you getting out of the relationship except for depression and loneliness. You can meet someone nice

springydaff · 04/07/2019 02:00

Loneliness and neglect like this can make you ill - I mean physically ill as well as mentally ill.

You say it's killing you - and I don't doubt it.

I really hope you feel you can leave this hellish marriage. yy it's a particular culture but you don't have to comply with that culture - it's not easy to go against it but what choice do you have?

My heart goes out to you. This is severe neglect

dragonway · 04/07/2019 04:23

My heart goes out to you and you have my sympathy. Until recently my DH was playing an online game with other people for 6 hours a day. It’s the first thing he did in the morning and last thing at night. He’d even take the laptop on holiday so that he could play. I’ve found it extremely hard to deal with. I don’t know the solution but I get how you feel. I moved away from my friends and family for him and now I’m stuck and like you, can’t share with school mum friends as it’s too much. I’m thinking of leaving him just so that I’ve got the chance of meeting somebody who respects me and treats me well.

CheerfulChimp · 04/07/2019 04:45

What you've explained is far from what a happy and healthy marriage should resemble. It sounds like your husband doesn't see you as an equal counter part in the marriage. You are subservient to him and he as zero value for what you do in the family. It seems if you don't find the courage to fiercely challenge him, things will continue the same and your mental health will continue to suffer.

Sally2791 · 04/07/2019 06:15

Being lonely within a relationship is far worse than being alone. By all means tell him how you feel and try to get a discussion going,but nobody is forcing him to behave as he is. I would make plans for a much healthier life without him.

Justbreathing · 04/07/2019 06:20

Most people would say leave. But they might not understand the stranglehold cultural expectations have

Have you sat down and talked to him about all of this. I mean he’s clearly not happy on one level either. Which is why he’s checked out. Perhaps this is really the life he wanted either. I mean he’s being an utter dick about it all, but it’s surely worth trying to talk.

Please don’t waste your life. You’ve only got one. Don’t live it this way because of others expectations.

Justbreathing · 04/07/2019 06:21

Isn’t the life*

KnittingForMittens · 04/07/2019 06:32

Put your religion/culture needs aside for one moment and ask yourself: are you happy in this marriage? Remember you have only one life to live and so what if you are a SAHM, you deserve some time for yourself too! You are doing a grand job but your husband really needs to sort himself out before he loses his family completely. Sounds like he has an unhealthy addiction to his "gaming" console?

Tootytata · 04/07/2019 06:47

I think gaming addiction is a real thing for some people. If he is prioritising gaming above everything else in his life, maybe he needs some counselling?

It's so wrong that he doesn't help with the children when he returns from work and doesn't seem to take part in weekend family activities. What is he like with the children? Does he show them love and attention?

I agree with PP who said it's worth talking to him about. Is this something you feel like you can do?

I have a DS(4) and DD(10 months) so I'm currently on maternity leave while my husband works. As soon as he walks through the door, he'll pick up baby DD because he can't wait to see her! My DS will run up to his daddy and give him a hug because he's excited to see him. We usually spend weekends doing some sort of family activity. Ok, if the weather is bad we stay at home but we're usually together.

If my husband was so disengaged from family life I would definitely have to talk to him. Did your husband want children? Did he want a family? I'm only asking because I know people who've had children to keep their OH happy. Ultimately making themselves miserable and therefore causing relationship tensions.

OP, I hope you summon up the courage to tell your husband how you feel. Your feelings and the hurt you feel on a daily basis are real. You need to find out why your husband is treating you and your children so poorly. If he refuses to engage then you may well be better off without him. My guess is that he will reflect after some time and understand what he has lost.

Tootytata · 04/07/2019 06:50

Sorry, just realised I made my family life sound like some sort of Disney movie!

We still have to deal with daily minor struggles that come with bringing up children. I was just trying to say that your DH should not be this disengaged from you and your children.

Robin2323 · 04/07/2019 06:52

I second sitting him down for a talk.
Not to moan at him but to see if you can find a way forward together.

TemporaryPermanent · 04/07/2019 07:03

Where are your family/his family in this? Cultures that frown on divorce seem to have much more family involvement and recognition that marriage can't be an airless sealed box. Could you talk to a relative? Go and stay with a family member with the children? Ask the family member to intervene?

Things can improve but he has to want to engage for that :(

SeaSidePebbles · 04/07/2019 07:08

OP, I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
In your shoes, I would find an evening class to go to and tell him he has to mind the kids, put them to bed etc.
Start with finding a book club on meetup.com. Once a month, for 2 h, meet others and discuss the book.

I would also start running. Download C25K app on the NHS website and the minute he walks in, you go out for 30 min for a run. I don’t have the fancy gear, I have running shoes, a sports bra and my DP’s old Tshirts.

What is he going to say/do?
The kids will be alright for 30 min, or 2 h a month without you. And it will open up a conversation with your H, he can game, you can look after yourself.
And say you feel lonely and neglected, so you’re doing something about it.
Hugs.

BoogieNites · 04/07/2019 07:15

He can still game while children are in bed. Yes, go running - do something. Don't let life pass you by. I know your culture would frown on you separating but it's not their life. Kids would be happier wouldn't they?

Megthehen · 04/07/2019 09:17

really feel for you. he sounds like a teenager. I really get how upsetting it must be to hear him chatting and laughing as you sit alone craving some interaction. All this tech we have nowadays allows people to check out..but seems to run deeper than this for your OH. Do you know his online gaming friends....are they similar "family men"? Might be worth talking to their partners? Does your husband listen well to his parents? maybe drop hints there if they are well intentioned towards you? or is his parent's relationship similar? Sadly some people only reveal their true nature when they think you and they are trapped.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/07/2019 09:43

What are you still getting out of this relationship?.

What does he bring into this marriage apart from a lot of misery towards not just you but the kids also?. Your children certainly pick up on he not being at all bothered with them. Your H is a selfish person and he is also the one being tedious here; not you. I can also see you all too easily working flat out at a future job and at home because he will simply continue not to carry any of the mental load.

You may well be from a very conservative South Asian culture but even there marriages do end and there is also divorce. They are not living your life and I am certain too that you would not want your children as adults to experience a marriage like yours. What do you want to teach them about relationships and just what are they learning here?.

Marmozet · 04/07/2019 09:55

I'm sorry but his behaviour is disgusting!

Have you spoken to him about it?

The marriage is dead. I think you should start finding yourself some independence. Whether that be finding a job and then getting your own interests.

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