So lonely in my marriage

[SensationsThaisweetchilli]

I’m sorry in advance for posting such a negative thread, I’ve no idea what I hope to gain from it at this point but here it is.

I’m a SAHM to 3 DC, one in primary school, the other 2 under 4. I’m 32, my DH and I met and married in our early twenties.

It feels like DH has entirely checked out of our marriage on every possible level. I’m SAHM and I care for the kids and all the housework all day every day. DH will get in from work, eat dinner (without really talking to us) then go straight up to his gaming room. He plays in an online team and then sits and plays with his team till past midnight, chatting and laughing. I sort the kids at bedtime then usually clean the house a bit and sit by myself downstairs watching TV or on mumsnet then fall asleep. Wake up the next morning and repeat. Our sex life is non-existent. On the weekends, I’ll usually plan something nice and take the kids out (mainly out of guilt for their disinterested dad) and he’ll stay home alone to ‘relax’. About 1 in 5 times he’ll come out with us but inevitably anger over something or the other. Last week, I planned a day out at a museum. At breakfast, he asked the DC ‘which exhibits do we want to see?’ And DC1 (6 yr old) replied ‘Mum and I have planned to visit exhibit A and B’ and he had a massive strop at me later as we excluded him.

My problem is that I have 3 kids, I’m a SAHM and I’m from a very conservative South asian culture. Basically I feel utterly stuck as I can’t leave him for just not wanting to spend any time with me.

I can’t even see anyone else in the evenings as he won’t watch the kids and all my friends want to socialise as couples. I hide all this form everyone around me because I can’t admit how tedious my own husband finds me. I was a really sociable person and now I’m just on my own all day and night and it’s absolutely killing me.

It makes me feel so incredibly sad that I’m never ever going to have another person in my life to just wind down in the evening and have a little chat with.

Just googled gaming addiction

Sorry I’ve been away, will try and answer some questions.

He was the one who pushed to start a family! I wanted to wait but he was adamant. Once we’d had DD he completely disengaged and I didn’t really know how to deal with it. Then followed by a really traumatic and premature birth for the DTs and I just was in auto pilot to keep myself and the 3 kids together. Finally, I had some therapy last year to deal w the anxiety I developed after DT, but my therapist has talked to me a lot about assertiveness and boundaries instead. It’s really helped but I think DH hates me standing up for myself now.

Typically, families are a lot more involved in our culture but his family pretty much washes their hands of the whole thing. In their eyes, I’m unreasonable for asking for help or asking him to reduce gaming time

Everyone else he plays with is single and childfree, mainly students and I think it’s actually making things much worse as he envies their lives?

I feel like he looks for any opportunity to let rip at me but doesn’t want to talk to me. Last night he came home and was grumpy as I hadn’t stocked up on his favourite drinks. He made a comment about ‘not doing my job’, although I think it was a joke.

Today, he verbally heard back on a job he’d applied for (id helped draft his CV, interview prep etc because he’s miserable at work and often in a mood at home because of it) and it was good news, they said they will give him an offer. Since he’s been trying so hard, I got his drinks and prepped for his favourite dinner. He’s just had a go at me for ‘jinxing’ the offer and ruining his life. He’s now stormed upstairs to play. I just can’t get anything right

Just leave. Seriously
Don’t spend your life like this. It’s honestly not worth it. Your kids won’t thank you

I'm sorry but you say:

He got grumpy because you didn't stock up on his favourite drink!?? What was that; Ribena!?

He got upset with you and so stormed off to his room to play on his game!!?

Just read that back. Your husband is nothing but a child.

If his family think you're unreasonable anyway then does it matter what they think if you leave? He sounds abusive and has clearly created a set of rules for you to live by but do you know what? You could follow every one of them and he would still get angry. He could have all of his gaming time, a swimming pool of his favourite drink etc and he would still find something you've done to allegedly cause his upset. You've been trying so hard to have him not angry and engaged in family life and has this ever actually changed his behaviour? I doubt it because he likes how he behaves, he likes being mean to you, he likes neglecting his kids and acting like a teenager. You're basically living life as a single parent with an extra stroppy, abusive manchild. Get rid and free yourself from the horrible atmosphere he must create.

From your most recent post, it sounds like you're in a sinking ship. Escape before you drown!

This reminds me alot of my marriage to a man from one of these cultures where women are expected to just shut up and get on with it. It's true was someone said up thread, nothing you ever do will make this man show you any real love or gratitude. You will never be as important as he is in his eyes. A marriage without any conversation and companionship is not worth continuing with.

I really feel for you OP.
I come from your background and been married for a very long time and I can tell you now that it'll only get worse.
First of, as hard as it sounds, don't enable his behaviour. Don't go out of your way to do extra for him. He doesn't deserve it. You could pick out the stars from the skies and it'll still not be enough to please him and his family.
Secondly, put rules into place. After work he can't play on his gaming until kids go to bed. Warn him that he's not fulfilling his duties as a husband and a father and there could be consequences. You will divorce him. Of course our culture hates that word bit you've got to show him that you've had enough and can't live like this anymore. He won't like it. He'll kick and scream and blame you for his life beong miserable. Be strong and never back down. Don't let him bully you by using the culture and religion card. Frankly men like this have no right spouting culture and religion when they don't practice themselves.
Only you can change your circumstances. At the moment he sees you as the weak sahm. Show him your claws. (Not literally of course).
Look up grey rock. Basically putting a mental wall between yourself and him and not let him emotionally manipulate you. Read between the lines. If he says you've jinxed my opportunities to get a good job. Say Is that how you really feel? I think you're feeling really disappointed and unhappy at work but you cannot take it out on me. I am not your bloody punch bag. You have no power over your work and circumstances and so you're trying to overpower me and frankly this is unacceptable.
Sorry for the long post op but I've been where you have and I wish someone advised my younger self.

I can totally understand you Op ,but inspite of the fact that you belong to the conservative asian culture where marriage are made to survive rather than thrive due to societal pressures and children,you have to communicate this loneliness and taking all the stuff just on your shoulders on yourself .After all , its you who is SAHM who needs a break .Dont fear OP , just go ahead and make your voice heard please .I am sure some solution might pop out .

You can never make a man like this happy, as that is his power, to always pick out things he statez yku should have done. Take a good Look at what you do, write a list , from waking up, to going to bed, tired , ignored, and let down

It is amazing what SAHM & SAHDads do IT is such a busy time
Yet your husband is finding fault, when really there is mone, just another adult child expecting to be waited on.

You can never do enough for him as that is the way he plays the game

OP, my heart goes out to you I can't improve on what others have said really, is he really worth sacrificing your mental and physical health for, for the rest of your life?

Whatever you do you need to get your head around this: ITS NOT YOU, IT'S HIM. HIS BEHAVIOUR REFLECTS ON HIM NOT YOU. Don't for one second take any responsibility for how he treats you and your DCs. Nothing for you to be embarrassed about. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

The other thing I'll say is, people will only treat you how you let them. Pick something small but just say no/stop doing/start doing/challenge it/reject it whatever. It will give you some control back and who know where that will lead you.

Stay strong and seek support, you've made a good start here

My friends from same sort of back ground and is going through a divorce.
I’m not saying you should but from what I know lots of your marriages are set up to allow the man to become and behave like this.
You do need to call your elders aside parents uncles whoever and let them know do not hide it are you related because I found it’s harder to deal with if you are but whatever the case why should you pretend your pretences is what’s enabling him
You must must must say something to someone who can help
When my friend started her divorce I was sSHOCKED as I had envied their marriage.I was in an unhappy marriage and she knew but never let on They just seemed so good together really good
I still haven fully forgiven her for withholding this from me as we are really close.what I have learnt is many people pretend that they are in great marriages when they aren’t don’t believe everything you see and hear.
Your sons will think this is normal whilst it’s not .tell him you do not want to hear his noise he can put on headphones a very selfish unprepared husband and father he really has it all
His working is to make you reliant on you
Get that job get back into the workforce and then ask yourself what you want to do with your family unit .
You must in the meantime report his behaviour
You come across as a great person your futures bright don’t let him determine what you have been put on this earth to do