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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why did he tell me about her abortion

61 replies

Tara999 · 03/07/2019 20:35

I have been with my partner for a long time and at the start he told me his ex had an surgical abortion. He said they hadn't been together long & she didn't want anymore kids as she already had one from Someone else. This is massively playing on my mind as I have no idea why he told me this...he said it was an upsetting day but one of the best days of his life due to if they had of gone through with pregnancy he wouldn't of then met me & had our kids. I really want to ask him if he thought about the baby that might of been when I fell pregnant with our kid. I really want to ask him how he felt when he found out she had gone on to have a kid with someone else despite not wanting his baby. My head's a mess & I don't know why. I just wish he hadn't Told me I can't erase it from my memory 😭

OP posts:

toffeeapple123 · 03/07/2019 21:16

I’d appreciate his honesty. Let it go. It’s not important.

Original poster

Tara999 · 03/07/2019 21:21

If I'm honest too I'm unwell at the moment & doctor dropped into conversation about std's that's playing on my mind too 😭 I feel a mess I mean he would of got it from her as they clearly had unprotected sex in order for her to become pregnant

OP posts:

Moralitym1n1 · 03/07/2019 21:25

& doctor dropped into conversation about std's that's playing on my mind too

Sorry what do you mean; the doctor said you have one??

Knobrob · 03/07/2019 21:25

If you've just found out you have an std it's more likely he has cheated on you with someone else as you would have had symptoms a long time ago if you've been together 'for years'.

rvby · 03/07/2019 21:27

OP please explain the Std thing.

What has actually happened here?

Moralitym1n1 · 03/07/2019 21:27

On the original subject; it's probably preying on your mind because you've recently had a baby, and it makes you wonder about things like eg he could've had one already/with her if they hadn't gone what they did, how did they both feel about it (it's such a big thing when you go through a pregnancy and have a baby and realise what an abortion really means) etc.

Moralitym1n1 · 03/07/2019 21:28

*done what they did

TitsInAbsentia · 03/07/2019 21:28

So it sounds like he was just sharing something from his life, people do that, it's normal and you should be pleased he felt he could talk to you about it.

You'll need to tell us more about the STD thing - are you implying he may have been unfaithful?

Original poster

Tara999 · 03/07/2019 21:33

No I don't think he's been unfaithful basically when we got together we both had sti tests but the symptoms I'm getting now could be an sti. I'm wondering if the clinic missed something didn't test him for everything?. I've always used condoms so it wouldn't of come from Me and I totally believe 100% he hasnt cheated so I'm assuming it came from her if I have got one

OP posts:

slowco4ch · 03/07/2019 21:36

Deep breaths, you're fixating on something that isn't your pain to deal with. He's projecting guilt after realising after the birth of your child together what he dismissed previously. He is working through his own pain/guilt/regret.

It is all for the best, he's happy where he is but carries guilt. Detach from that and enjoy your new baby. If you can't, chat to your GP and flag. We're listening.

Moralitym1n1 · 03/07/2019 21:36

Which sti does the doctor think it might be - HSV?

Celebelly · 03/07/2019 21:37

My DP's gf when he was 18 had an abortion. I did feel a bit funny when he told me, I'm not really sure why, possibly as we were in the midst of TTC so I was feeling sensitive about it (he told me in the context of me suggesting fertility checks if we hadn't conceived by a certain date). But I don't really think about it now or have any feelings around it now we have DD. I had a couple of pregnancy scares when I was younger so there but for the grace of god...

Moralitym1n1 · 03/07/2019 21:38

He's projecting guilt after realising after the birth of your child together what he dismissed previously. He is working through his own pain/guilt/regret.

Have I missed something in this thread - I thought op said he told her this near the beginning of the relationship, quite a while ago. He hasn't mentioned it now, op is just thinking about it a lot .. is that not right?

slowco4ch · 03/07/2019 21:41

Sorry, Op answered that she'd just had a baby next message down. Maybe I'm wrong though.

hadthesnip2 · 03/07/2019 21:41

Before you go completely off your rocker & say something to him that you may regret I suggest you get a proper Sti check. See what this says & go from there. The GP could be wrong. Also I doubt whether anything you have now has come from her.

And btw......why won't you answer the basic questions that many posters have asked. How long have you been together & how long ago was their abortion ?? If the answer is 2 years for both then there may be something in it - if the answer is 10 for both then I suggest you get counselling because your non-sensical anxiety could rip your relationship apart.

C0untDucku1a · 03/07/2019 21:47

If youve an sti now after you were both tested at the start of your relationship, then he has cheated.

rvby · 03/07/2019 22:01

Which sti?

How far along are you / how long post partum?

How long have you been together?

How long since the abortion?

Its impossible to advise you if you dont give any details.

Original poster

Tara999 · 03/07/2019 22:27

Been together 3 years I'm assuming abortion was 5 years ago baby is 8 mths. Sti checks came back clear when we got together.

OP posts:

Wildorchidz · 03/07/2019 22:30

So do you have an STI or are you thinking you may have because oh the comment from the GP?

BeenThereDone · 03/07/2019 23:04

If your tests came back clear three years ago, then that means only one thing. Sorry

Moralitym1n1 · 03/07/2019 23:07

I asked about hsv (or equally HPV) because I thought that they could lie dormant/not be detectable on tests bit flare up in.dome people (??) - before saying categorically that he must've cheated.

Moralitym1n1 · 03/07/2019 23:07

*flare up in some people

Moralitym1n1 · 03/07/2019 23:10

Have you been thinking about he and his ex having an abortion since you got pregnant/had your baby or just recently?

Is it just because of the STD worry - and linking that with them having unprotected sex (and therefore the pregnancy) or why do you think you're thinking about it quite a lot now?

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 03/07/2019 23:12

I'm guessing he told you because it was potentially a difficult/emotional/big deal experience which has life long implications and he shared it with you because he trusts you. Do you think he should have kept it secret?

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 03/07/2019 23:15

Just because something COULD be an STI doesn't mean it IS. I.e. certain pain could be an STI or thrush or a bruised cervix etc. A test will rule this out.

Why are you worrying about all of this stuff now? Are to feeling anxious in general?

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