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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Weird relationship but works for me!

29 replies

purplelass · 03/07/2019 13:15

I adore my DP - we've been together for 3 years and as I'm a nearly 50 year old divorced single mum who is still having issues with tosser ExH, I'm more than happy that he's not wanting to move in or marry me. We just see each other for company a couple of times a week and for a proper night out and stay over at each other's houses a couple of times a month.

He's known from the start that my mum duties come first whatever happens and generally accepts that's the way it is. I've realised that if I want a 'normal' relationship (which I really don't at the moment!) then it's not going to happen with him, but that's absolutely fine with me as I don't want to have to share my lovely little house with a man, or move in with one, and can't see that changing!

We're definitely exclusive, all his friends are my friends and see us as a couple, we cook each other lovely meals and make plans to do things together in the months ahead. He never lets me down and is 100% reliable.

If it works for us, it's fine isn't it? Or am I kidding myself? Interested to hear other perspectives...

OP posts:
ProteinshakesandAntonsAss · 03/07/2019 13:17

I dont really understand?

You are a couple that dont live together?

Its not that unusual, especially when one or both are line parents.

Dp doesnt live with me. He lives 10 minutes away. Its bliss.

He has met the kids and we do alot as a group. But, yeah, I cant see anything changing soon.

I dont understand why you would be kidding yourself?

Original poster
purplelass · 03/07/2019 13:21

I think because so many posts on MN say that if a relationship isn't heading towards cohabiting or marriage after a few years it's not worth having.
I can't see mine getting there at all! But I'm happy with that...

OP posts:
bringthethunder · 03/07/2019 13:22

Another confused party here. What is unusual about your set up? Sounds like a fairly standard relationship. You don't need to live with someone or be planning marriage, or having big family days out for it to be legitimate and committed Confused

Original poster
purplelass · 03/07/2019 13:25

You don't need to live with someone or be planning marriage, or having big family days out for it to be legitimate and committed

Thanks, that's actually exactly what I wanted to hear Smile I'm just reading so many 'LTB' if they're not proposing within a few years that I needed a bit of validation I guess.

OP posts:
Whereissummerthisyear · 03/07/2019 13:27

Eh? Sounds pretty normal and ideal to me.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 03/07/2019 13:30

Don't understand what is remotely weird about it tbh.

dodgeballchamp · 03/07/2019 13:30

Of course it’s not a problem. Not everyone wants to marry or cohabit. It’s not a foregone conclusion that all relationships have to head that way

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 03/07/2019 13:30

I think because so many posts on MN say that if a relationship isn't heading towards cohabiting or marriage after a few years it's not worth having.

Meh. The world don't move to the beat of just one drum .....

If you're happy, then keep smiling. And don't invite opinion Blush

Thingsdogetbetter · 03/07/2019 13:33

It's only if one person wants to live together and get married and the other doesn't that problems arise and the ltb posts come out. Or if one person is stringing along their partner with promises that will never happen. If both are happy and on the same page, I've never seen a ltb post. Never!. And I'm a mn addict. Grin

Fromablokespoint · 03/07/2019 14:10

Same age, same sort of relationship. We do not (or plan too) live together. It works, we see quite a bit of each other but I also appreciate my own time as she does.
I see this as a perfectly normal relationship, very committed and exclusive, if asked I describe her as my partner. Maybe one day we will live together but neither of us give it a second thought at the moment.

Original poster
purplelass · 03/07/2019 14:15

Thanks all, I'll stop my paranoid wobble now... I know it doesn't matter what other people think but as someone who's faith in relationships took a huge dip thanks to ExH I just needed a bit of reassurance...

As you were... Grin

OP posts:
ProteinshakesandAntonsAss · 03/07/2019 14:20

I think because so many posts on MN say that if a relationship isn't heading towards cohabiting or marriage after a few years it's not worth having.

I think this is usually when the person posting wants those things.

If someone has never been married or had kids and is wanting those things and they have been with someone 3 years who is showing no sign of moving towards that, then yes the poster should be reevaluation the relationship.

In your case you are both on the same page and you are not looking for those things and he isnt.

Missillusioned · 03/07/2019 14:21

I think your age is a factor. Most relationships where there are issues with one party wanting marriage are people who may want children. If you are unmarried but raising a man's children this can make you vulnerable without marriage. At 50 you are at a different life stage and probably don't need marriage, as you and your partner won't be having children together. I wouldn't worry about it if you're happy.

MargotsFlounceyBlouse · 03/07/2019 14:21

I'm like you OP. Kids come first and normally only see my bloke every other weekend when my kids are at their dads, and he's an hour's drive away anyway with elderly parents to look after so he's got his other priorities too. Three blissful years and counting. Every time we see each other we are like teenagers, so nice looking forward to our time together and nothing taken for granted. Cohabiting and marriage matter more if you're starting a family. If you've done all that you can suit yourself! Enjoy your relationship just the way it is OP x life is long, things may change as your kids become more independent but it's up to you x

HawkingEmma · 03/07/2019 14:25

You will be incredibly unhappy if you try to live to other people’s standards. You’re happy, it works for you, that’s all that matters🙂

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/07/2019 14:27

Totally agree and am in a very similar relationship myself.

He's divorced; I've never married and neither of us want to get married in the future.

I love living by myself and love seeing each other when we want to, and having lots of space/time for other things too. It's probably the healthiest relationship I've ever been in and long may it continue!

Original poster
purplelass · 03/07/2019 14:40

It's probably the healthiest relationship I've ever been in

Yes, definitely agree with this - no arguing about sharing of chores, or picking up each other's dirty washing! When I think about what I tolerated in my marriage and what many people on here are still having to put up with, I realise how very lucky I am...

OP posts:
noego · 03/07/2019 14:45

Perfick!!

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/07/2019 15:23

If you think your relationship is weird, I won’t even begin to describe mine 🤣

If it works for you it’s perfect. I’ve cohabited before, it doesn’t really work for me, I can’t see myself wanting to do it again.

I honestly think that non-cohabiting relationships are going to become far more prevalent in the next couple of decades - particularly as more people decide not to have children or the increasing numbers of people who already have children from previous relationships decide against blending families. And frankly, every single couple I know who do live together would say that the things they argue about most (joint finances, domestic chores, mismatched ideas of tidiness) would be completely avoided if they lived apart.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/07/2019 15:25

@ComtesseDeSpair I agree. I listen to colleagues moaning about their other halves and am SO glad I don't live with my DP. We're fully committed and exclusive, just without all the domestic aggro that seems to go with cohabiting.

NameChangeNugget · 03/07/2019 16:17

Good for you OP, sounds absolutely brilliant.

I think more and more people will like this in the future. It sounds ideal

feistymumma · 03/07/2019 21:28

In the same situation, I do not see myself ever living with my DB. I love my current set up with my children, I actually don't really like him staying over either - it's such a perfect set up, not unusual at all.

AnyFucker · 03/07/2019 21:32

Rethink your definition of "weird"

Isleepinahedgefund · 03/07/2019 21:50

Sounds fab to me, I'd like one of those!

Countrypie · 03/07/2019 23:07

Only matters if you want different things. I had a similar relationship but he was much younger and in the end it had to end because he wanted marriage and kids and l had already done all that.