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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he controlling

30 replies

Littlepeetree · 02/07/2019 21:33

Please accept my apologies for this garbled message. I'm getting married to the father of my 18 month old daughter and I dont know whether I'm doing the right thing. He is very controlling, everytime I try to tell him how unhappy I am in our relationship, he blames it on my bi polar.
We got together in 2015 and afterwards I became successful professionally, I'm also terrible with money so he has all control of my cards and online banking. I have no idea how much I have in my accounts-all he tells me is that I am behind with tax and that I need to pay for the wedding.
1: he is very disapproving of anything to do with my daughter. I went away to Cornwall to a holiday park with my mum and saw my daughter absolutely blossum there. She loved interacting with other kids and loved the entertainment. He hates holiday parks and being from an upper class family is very snobby about them, I am from a working class family so that is a wonderful break for me, he phoned me the entire time saying how upset he was on his own and how I was awful to go away with my family without him( we see his family all the time and have been on holiday with them, yet he is so unwelcoming of my parents come to the house and make them feel uncomfortable and also makes my friends uncomfortable, he is so miserable when he enters the house)
Everything is on his terms, what time the baby goes to bed, where we go on holiday, what programmes we watch ( doesn't even like me watching a programme in the other room than him) doesn't like the music I listen to, doesn't let me put the window down in the car, if I'm having a bath in peace and have locked the door, he unlocks the door and let's my daughter walk in.
He wakes me up at 8:00 every weekend even though I stressful work hours and Says 'wake up mumma we need to make most of the day'
He's disapproving of my freinds yet he can go to the pub 3 nights a week
I'm mea to be marrying this guy in September.
Fuck my life.

OP posts:
ChuckleBuckles · 02/07/2019 21:40

Set up new bank accounts, have your wages paid into them and then run. Run far away and very fast from this man. Confide in your mum what has been going on, I would bet good money she will not be surprised.

thedevilcamefromthehimber · 02/07/2019 21:43

YES HE IS CONTROLLING. You need to take control of your bank accounts ASAP.

raspberryk · 02/07/2019 21:44

Reclaim access of all of you accounts and cards (if there's anything in there anymore), get copies of all statements since it was arranged. If there is anything left move the money and set up up accounts. And get the hell out of there.

ohfourfoxache · 02/07/2019 21:45

RUN LIKE FUCK AND DON’T LOOK BACK

Lucked · 02/07/2019 21:47

Please, please don’t marry him.

There is no reason for him to have his control. Imagine him having to live with you behaving like that? Would he find it tolerable? Would he accept you being solely in charge of the money?

Sort out your bank details first this is so important - is it his account or joint?

TheFlis12345 · 02/07/2019 21:47

He sounds vile, controlling and financially abusive. Run!

RedSheep73 · 02/07/2019 21:48

You've answered your own question, haven't you? why would you marry that person?

Jog22 · 02/07/2019 21:52

Please run run run. I felt almost sick reading this and imagining you getting married. You have choice, you have autonomy over your own life. You are not his possession - if he's like this now God only knows what he'll be like if you married. Honestly it's chilling.

VixenSixen · 02/07/2019 21:54

What you have just described is a form of abuse and controlling behaviour called "Coercive Control", which recently became a criminal offence under UK law, you can read more about it here.

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/coercive-control-and-the-law/#What%20is%20coercive%20control?

I would second the advice above from other people, if you are able to confide in your family/close friends. You will need their support for you to get things sorted out.

You say you have bipolar, do you have a key worker/nurse/GP who you trust who you can share your concerns with - they should be able to get support in place for you as this falls under the category of financial abuse under safeguarding and they will be able to get things in place for you to help you get out of this toxic setup.

I hope you can get some good support in place to help you get away from this man, I can't see what he brings to your life other than misery and isolation. Xx

Chloemol · 02/07/2019 21:59

Go to the bank, get access to your money, open a new account and put the money in there, cancel all cards on the old account and leave, fast

pog100 · 02/07/2019 22:00

why do something that you so obviously don't want to do, and it is so obviously the wrong thing to do.

Whosorrynow · 02/07/2019 22:02

It doesn't sound too good I think you need to take a rain check

Original poster
Littlepeetree · 02/07/2019 22:06

Oh god, you have no idea how good it is to hear this. I thought I was going insane. Thank you so much

OP posts:
smallereveryday · 02/07/2019 22:08

Does he work OP ? You need an escape plan ... and NOT ONE YOU DISCUSS WITH HIM!! .

Take a day off work when he is out of the house.

Tell your family to come round.

Gather ALL your documents (that you can find - don't worry if you can't you can get replacements)

Take ESSENTIALS only.

Cancel your cards, get new ones.

Go to the bank and empty your account into a new one.

Leave with your daughter.

Most important. Be with your family.

Joy69 · 02/07/2019 22:28

Don't forget to cancel your online banking to. If he gas access to this he will be able to see your new account. Opt for mobile banking that is specific to your phone & number instead.
Good luck Flowers

Joy69 · 03/07/2019 07:35

Don't forget to cancel your online banking to. If he has access to this he will be able to see your new account. Opt for mobile banking that is specific to your phone & number instead.
Good luck Flowers

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 03/07/2019 08:01

You'd be mad to marry him. Take all the good advice you're getting and RUN!

cakecakecheese · 03/07/2019 08:01

Oh my, please do not marry this man.

Is there someone you can trust who you can tell all this to? I would also suggest contacting Women's Aid.

Bigmango · 03/07/2019 08:12

Not fuck your life at all. You are about to get a very lucky escape. Run and don’t look back! Read the other thread on here about the woman’s relative who has been stuck in a similar relationship for many many years.

Forgotmycoat · 03/07/2019 09:36

Op you need to not only call off the wedding, you need to end this relationship. His control over you is scary, the hairs on my arm stood on end reading your post.

What will your daughter learn about relationships if you stay with this horrible man? He will soon enough start his tactics on her.

Please read this thread about a woman in her 70s trapped in a marriage similar to yours who wishes she had left her husband when she was younger.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3627695-This-is-why-you-need-to-LTB?msgid=88261687#88261687

Musti · 03/07/2019 09:40

He's so controlling whilst you're financially and legally independent ...can you imagine what he's going to be like when you are legally entwined or dependent on him because you've had more kids?

Noone should ever keep you from your family nor control what you do in your free time. My kids have more independence than he gives you. I also fear for your child being raised by someone like him.

Get control of your bank and money and make plans to leave him.

pinkyredrose · 03/07/2019 09:47

He's a disgusting piece of shit. Sounds as though he doesn't like you let alone love you.
Marrying the father of your child should be the most wonderful time. If you marry him he'll have a ball and chain around your ankle . Your life will be even more unhappy than it is now. Your daughter will suffer more than she's suffering now.

Please give yourself and her the gift of freedom. Make plans for leaving, it'll give you hope.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 03/07/2019 09:54

As soon as I read the bank thing I almost didn't need to read any further...

Please call women's aid for advice for how to get away from this man.

Depending on the advice they give you (they're the experts so will know how to do this stuff) I would meet with someone from the bank and explain the situation, and find a way to move/secure your funds and get rid of online banking. Don't give him any indication that you are doing this.

Please seek advice about how to leave him first though, as the moving money thing will give him a heads up, when ideally you need to be safely away from him by the time he realises he has no access to your money. That will take some planning.

Good luck

Pinnacular · 03/07/2019 10:08

He sounds awful, and taking control of your money like this is financial abuse. Start making plans to leave. If you're successful professionally you can certainly learn to be good with money. Number one saving - not paying a penny more for this wedding.

granadagirl · 03/07/2019 10:25

Your a professional lady with a good job by the sounds of it.
Why would you let this man to this to you and your daughter, controlling beyond belief.
Just think how much less anxiety/stress you would have.
Your daughter is only 18mth, can you imagine what it would be like when she’s older
You & your daughter wouldn’t be able to do things together without him saying NO
Your little girl loved it on her holiday with you and her Nanna, you’d be able to have so much fun with her when she gets a little older
Mum & daughter time.

Please don’t marry him😱🙏
He will lead you & your daughter a dogs life. Confide in your mum.

You can learn to be better with money, you can get an account who will do your tax. You don’t need him to control your finances.
I bet he tells you how much you can have if your own hard earned money.

Does HE work, I’m guessing (maybe completely wrong) he stays at home?

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