Temporary separation DH has moved out!

[Crystal049]

I’ve been in a strange limbo for 9 months with my DH. We’ve been together for 18 years and married for 7 we have a DS who’s 3 and a DD who’s 2. We’ve always had a great relationship and been a real team. I love my DH dearly. Out of what seems like nowhere my DH said he doesn’t feel the same way about me, loves me as a family member and not a wife?! I find this strange and he has always been in to me, telling me he loves me. He has also been questioning his whole life and got stressed with the children pretty easily, this point has improved massively. I think he finds the kids really hard work and trust me they are, its hard work and we both work FT and have no grandparent support so it’s been full I’m over the last 4 years. Anyway I’m not making excuses for him just explaining the setup. In the last 9 months he keeps saying he’s ‘stuck’ almost emotionally shut down. He’s seeing a therapist and they have told him this is linked to his childhood and bad upbringing (he never met his dad). Although we both didn’t want this I asked him to move out as 9 months is a long time to live in limbo and I’ve been the one doing everything for the kids. He’s somehow lost his zest for life, he doesn’t see friends or enjoy anything he used to. I don’t think anyone else is involved but I don’t know for sure. I’m so sad and want to save my lovely marriage and family from all this heartache, I’m hoping he comes to some kind of realisation away from home but it’s been 5 days so far and nothing from him at all. What do you think I should do?

Thsnks

Has he been to the Dr? Recently, rather than going to a therapist long-term I mean. Normally I'd say OW but 9 months of him being down and not seeing friends sounds like he has developed depression and may need medical help.

He hasn’t and won’t go! He seems to say if he is depressed it’s from this situation rather than depression causing it! Even more confusing I know.

I don’t think you should do anything. This is something he needs to work out. You can’t exactly drag him to the doctors. I’d start building up your own life. Have you got friends, a babysitter, a social life?

Yes got friends and on my childfree weekends I’ve got plans, going out with friends etc! Just gutted x

Maybe you should ask him what he wants from you? How can you help? What does he need - your time, attention, company, support? Or does he think it would be better if you give him space?

He says I irritate him and annoy him, mainly when I try to help him I think. He also seems to play this stupid video game on his phone all night (never played video games before)

Sounds like my EXH when he was depressed . They become very insular . Ask him to do one thing for his family and that is to see a doctor and talk it through with him . I would ask to go with him too.

I’ve been asking him for 9 months and he won’t go! He gets angry and defensive when I suggest it and says I’m telling him what to do!

I think you should leave him to it. Concentrate on yourself and the dc's.

Cherchez la femme.

Have you met his therapist?

I’m not thinking OW here, but it is possible I suppose.

Get on with your life OP. Try to keep busy. Easier said than done, I know.

Have you seen him playing the game, or does he just claim to be doing that?

he doesn’t see friends or enjoy anything he used to Agree that this doesn't fit the usual OW scenario, though it could be part of the general questioning of habits that you get when you're rewriting your story for a new person. Did he also go out late or go away for days at a time, anything like that?

It sounds like you've done the right thing in not just accepting the limbo. He's taking the children every other weeekend? So he seems capable of looking afer them and you're not having to be the only responsible parent?

He is probably depressed but you have done everything you can (repeatedly telling him to get help). It's likely his therapist (if they are any good) is also encouraging him to see the GP. You could have one final try and offer to go with him and make the appointment for him. He needs to want to get better himself and he doesn't seem to be at that point yet.

Do you think with hindsight he has suffrerd from depression before (erratic behaviour, sudden career changes etc when big events happened such as the birth of your DC)? Perhaps the birth of your DC has triggered the depression related to his fatherless childhood.

You need to take care of youtself to try and guard against depleting your own MH reserves. That is the very best thing you can do in this situation. As someone else said build up your own life and treat yourself as the kindest friend would, lots of coddling. It is such a hard situation to be in. You will be grieving for what you thought was your relationship but seems wasn't now. It is so hard when you still love your DH and want to support and help but you can't force him. Pace yourself and cut yourself slack in the parenting stakes. If you need to spend a day on the sofa instead of taking the DC to the park do that, a few ready meals and a day of films or cbbc isn't going to harm them.

I went through a similar experience and felt my H had trampled on my very soul with his behaviour. No one could feel my heart rending pain but myself. Incredibly lonely place to be. Give it time you sound strong you'll come through it.

Thanks for the lovely replies, it’s an incredibly lonely place to be. I’ve seen him play the video game for hours and I’ve spoken to him about it and that just seems to spur him on to play it more almost like a teenager rebelling. I definitely think something has happened with the whole having children and triggering something really his own childhood and also his dad died last year without meeting him and I think he regrets that

Ooh, nasty, poor bloke.

I don't know if you've had the same experience but if there's anything funny about your childhood, then having children yourself can definitely stir it up again. He might have just realised quite how hurtful it was for his dad to have rejected him; he might be feeling as if his dad has passed on "bad genes" so he must be incapable of relating to the kids properly, too (nonsense, but in his head it might feel that way). And with him dying, he can't resolve anything by any means - and he can't even grieve for the parent he sees he should have had, as you can't grieve for someone you didn't know. Really nasty situation.

If he's refusing the doctor it could be because he feels guilty or ashamed about something, e.g. thinking he has to hide whatever negative thoughts might come into his mind about the kids.

If he's refusing help, though, you can't make him do anything. Maybe he has to sink deeper before something changes :(

You can only take care of yourself and the kids, and try to be as kind as you can to him.

I will thanks ravenmum I think something deep is going on and he says things like “ I don’t trust why I have a lack of feelings for you...I think I’m just not connecting for some reason’ I definitely think he’s deflecting in me

I've been with my husband 18 years. A few weeks ago he told me he isn't sure how he feels any more and doesn't know what he wants. I was devastated. Not long after that we had a really good talk and turns out he's depressed. We're currently trying to work through it. Could it be the same in your situation?

I think I’m just not connecting for some reason

Yep this is exactly what mine said. He says he feels 10 times better now simply just because he's admitted he's depressed.

Though we think of depression as feeling sad, actually it can manifest itself in a total numbness, so you don't have any proper feelings for anything. Could you maybe find some information on depression, get some leaflets or something for him to read?

Ah bless you at chocolateanspinkgin at least he realises and quickly. I’ve lost hope because it’s been 9 months, I feel so sad he’s not enjoying time with us as a family and missing this precious time, I also feel betrayed and I’m trying not to because it might not be his fault but I feel like shaking him and shouting wake up! You have everything you need and more but he just doesn’t see it. I’m so devastated as well that he says the he’s not got the right feelings for me I just don’t understand

Try reading up on attachment disorder in adults. I wish someone had told me that years ago rather than me feeling like I was the problem. I think a combination attachment issues and depression leads to rejecting others before they reject you and this may be what your DH is doing rather than confront difficulties in life he is shutting down and withdrawing.

According to my therapist, temporary separations usually drive a bigger wedge between people. Something like 80% of US couples end up divorcing. Out of the rest, about 14% stay married but permanently separated. Only 6% successfully reunite. In a non-abusive, non-cheating relationship, she encourages patients to work on small ways to reconnect from within a marriage, rather than either of them leaving. So far, it's slowly working for us.

If a couple does separate, there needs to be a set of rules in place. How long until they reevaluate, finances, who will live where, what kind of contact between each other and the children, whether or not dating and sex are on the table (either between the couple, or with others), and what it would take to reconcile.

And I meant to say whether he will go or not, counseling might be really helpful for you. Since starting therapy I'm building my self-esteem and learning to turm some of my attention back to myself, so that I'm not tied up in knots all the time. I'm learning to interact differently, which puts less pressure on my husband (PTSD and bipolar) and has improved communication between us.

Good luck!

So he has moved already on a 2 month contract, we remain faithful, he picks up kids 2 x a week and brings kids home, dinner, bath and bed while I go to the gym. He will have them every other weekend this will be the only time they stay at his place, we’re keeping contact to a minimum unless re kids so we both have a chance to reflect. I would have loved to have sorted it whilst he remained at home but we kept going round in circles for 9 months! This was the only thing we haven’t tried x