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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Temporary separation DH has moved out!

38 replies

Crystal049 · 02/07/2019 16:43

I’ve been in a strange limbo for 9 months with my DH. We’ve been together for 18 years and married for 7 we have a DS who’s 3 and a DD who’s 2. We’ve always had a great relationship and been a real team. I love my DH dearly. Out of what seems like nowhere my DH said he doesn’t feel the same way about me, loves me as a family member and not a wife?! I find this strange and he has always been in to me, telling me he loves me. He has also been questioning his whole life and got stressed with the children pretty easily, this point has improved massively. I think he finds the kids really hard work and trust me they are, its hard work and we both work FT and have no grandparent support so it’s been full I’m over the last 4 years. Anyway I’m not making excuses for him just explaining the setup. In the last 9 months he keeps saying he’s ‘stuck’ almost emotionally shut down. He’s seeing a therapist and they have told him this is linked to his childhood and bad upbringing (he never met his dad). Although we both didn’t want this I asked him to move out as 9 months is a long time to live in limbo and I’ve been the one doing everything for the kids. He’s somehow lost his zest for life, he doesn’t see friends or enjoy anything he used to. I don’t think anyone else is involved but I don’t know for sure. I’m so sad and want to save my lovely marriage and family from all this heartache, I’m hoping he comes to some kind of realisation away from home but it’s been 5 days so far and nothing from him at all. What do you think I should do?

OP posts:

sincethereis · 03/07/2019 08:05

Not a doctor but he sounds like he has depression tbh

chocolateandpinkgin · 09/07/2019 15:59

How are you doing @Crystal049 ?

Original poster

Crystal049 · 09/07/2019 20:08

Hey there! I’m doing OK just major ups and downs, DH text me on sat evening saying ‘I missed you all today’ he hasn’t said anything like that in 9 months then the next day when I saw him (he was looking after the kids whilst I went shopping lol) he said he was wondering what the hell he was doing and missed us all’ however today I’ve seen him briefly and he went mental at me because I asked why the kids weren’t in bed (his turn) and the house looked like a bomb had hit it so said that he he said ‘so effing what’ nice! Anyway I’m sure this will be full of ups and downs but I’m getting so tired of it all...

OP posts:

SusieOwl4 · 09/07/2019 20:35

It’s so hard. My father suffers with depression and refuses to go to the doctor. It’s so frustrating because you know there is help out there but it’s being refused. And I agree that close family members are pushed away as a kind of self preservation act.

Scorpiovenus · 16/07/2019 10:52

So this maybe why people say kids ruin marriages etc.

you were together 18 years, and 2 year old and 3... Id say this is what happened here. Its well documented online a lot of people have this issue. It seems that maybe this is a fact.

I can see why.... Kids are hard work they strain the connection also. I can kinda see both sides. Can I ask why you left the kids till the last thing? Is he just too old and set in ways to want them?

beenwhereyouare · 04/08/2019 16:20

@Crystal049
You haven't posted in a while. Is everything okay?

Original poster

Crystal049 · 05/08/2019 13:43

Hi all, yes just been concentrating on me and the kids really and funnily enough after 4 weeks of being out of the house he seems so much better! The last 4 weeks out of the 10 months have been the best! I had a huge bunch of flowers delivered to my work on my birthday, lots of positive signs like touching, trying to cuddle me, hold my hand, looking for ways to do that (him) rather than avoiding it which is what he was doing! We swap kids every other weekend and that’s going well. He wants to move back home at the end of Aug when his short temporary 2 month rental comes to an end and I’ve said no (I really want him home but I have to see him begging practically) it’s all so much better than it was. So I guess we shall see x

OP posts:

Original poster

Crystal049 · 05/08/2019 13:44

He is the same age as me 37! We just wanted to buy a home, work on us make sure we were financially stable before having kids, we weren’t in any rush! We’d been together since 17/18 so it was too young to rush into anything we still had our lives to live x

OP posts:

SwordofGryffindor · 07/08/2019 02:49

Fair play op

AllosaurusMum · 07/08/2019 03:33

Instead of playing games like making him beg, why not make seeing his doctor about depression be the condition to move back in, you something useful?

Monty27 · 07/08/2019 03:39

Depression symptoms can also indicate an underlying physical illness

pebblemix · 07/08/2019 03:45

How are things?

chocolateandpinkgin · 09/08/2019 16:52

Instead of playing games like making him beg, why not make seeing his doctor about depression be the condition to move back in, you something useful?

This. Life is too short to play games. My husband told me back in June that he didn't know what he wanted, then all of a sudden he did want to be with me. But then he did the same thing again in July - told me we were over basically. I was devastated, and then yet again he wanted to be with me. So I basically gave him the condition that we do counselling and he gets help for his depression or we were over. He chose the first option and at the moment we're doing ok.

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