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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

friend doesn't reply to messages

34 replies

Cinammoncake · 02/07/2019 15:23

I'm not a big texter, but with most friends find it pretty straightforward, we might text back and forth now and again.
However, I have a friend, let's call her Amanda, who will message me (eg, how are you?) and I'll reply with some chat and ask how she is or ask her a question, and then just nothing, no reply. It's on WhatsApp so I know she's read it and is on there a lot. It's not like she has done it just the once, this is most times.

I find it all a bit awkward tbh and I come away feeling quite crap. Is it odd to text someone and when they reply just to ignore them? or is it just something some people do?

OP posts:
yourestandingonmyneck · 02/07/2019 15:27

Yes, it is odd but I have come across people who do this as well.

I got fed up with it and stopped replying. One friend in particular doesn't do it anymore so I think she picked up on the fact that I found it very tiresome.

I can't speak for all people, but I think some of the ppl that do it do it to try and appear as if they are more important and more busy than you.

Is she a good friend otherwise? I would just stop replying to her texts but carry on as usual when you see her. She'll soon realise that if she expects you to reply to texts, she needs to stop doing that.

barefootluxury · 02/07/2019 15:32

Stop messaging her. There is no point. She can get in contact with you going forward.

IWantMyHatBack · 02/07/2019 15:35

Ignore her messages

Girasole02 · 02/07/2019 15:37

I once called someone out over this. They said 'I replied in my head' (but hadn't got round to doing it for real) as if it was no big deal. As it was regarding a theatre visit I agreed to book, I was really annoyed. This is just one aspect of the one sided friendship. Low contact now.

Original poster
Cinammoncake · 02/07/2019 15:38

Thanks yourestandingonmyneck that's good advice and it helps a lot to know you get it.

I do think yes there's a thing about trying to appear more important and busy than I am, I know exactly what you mean. It's as if she's doing me a favour by messaging or something Confused

I'm not sure she is that good a friend. I think we'd get on better without these messages/non replies though so will bite the bullet and just stop answering, and see what happens.

OP posts:
AliceRR · 02/07/2019 15:38

I know people who do this sometimes too and find it very annoying but yes an option is not to reply. Another is, if Amanda texts “hi how are you?” You say “I’m great, thanks” and then don’t bother asking how she is (as she doesn’t reply anyway) and that way you’ll have replied, you won’t feel bad that she hasn’t and if she says anything you can tell her why! 😬

Original poster
Cinammoncake · 02/07/2019 15:39

Oh lots more posts but thanks all, we seem to be in agreement that not replying is the way to go. Really appreciate all the replies.

OP posts:
amethyst69 · 02/07/2019 15:40

Ignore. I spent a lot of time worrying if I'd done something when a really close friend did this to me. Asked if all was OK. Nothing. Yes I felt hurt but wasn't prepared to waste any more energy on her.

Original poster
Cinammoncake · 02/07/2019 15:40

That's true AliceRR

OP posts:
Original poster
Cinammoncake · 02/07/2019 15:42

That's rude of her amethyst

OP posts:
Original poster
Cinammoncake · 02/07/2019 16:01

girasole I think it does make it feel like a one sided friendship.
'replied in my head' Confused Hmm bonkers.
Maybe low contact is the way to go in my case too. No point having 'friends' who make you feel a bit crap really.

OP posts:
Imaysnapandfart · 02/07/2019 16:05

I think "replied in my head" could work once, or possibly twice, if they were up to their eyeballs with young children (I know when my DC were very young, feeding all the time, no sleep, I constantly thought I'd replied to something when I hadn't!) but if it's all the time, then I would just ignore it. She'll get the message and either communicate more, or stop communicating altogether, in which case she wasn't that good a friend to begin with.

happyhillock · 02/07/2019 16:07

Wait until she txt's you then don't reply for a few day's see if she likes it.

Original poster
Cinammoncake · 02/07/2019 16:20

Yes that's true imaysnap I'd make allowances if they had young dcs or were PM or a surgeon or something Grin For context she doesn't have dcs

Thanks happyhillock it seems the only way is to not reply myself.

OP posts:
BlueMerchant · 02/07/2019 16:26

Next time she asks you something reply with a Smile or worse- a thumbs up.
So annoyingGrin

HollowTalk · 02/07/2019 16:28

She wants the gossip without having to contribute anything to the conversation. Just reply "Fine, thanks."

Girasole02 · 02/07/2019 16:30

Imaysnapandfart her eldest is 32!

Fizzysours · 02/07/2019 16:36

I have a friend who does this. Well...an ex friend...now an acquaintance. I am spectacularly busy and have never ignored a text in my life. It's not hard and if people don't care enough to think about how dismissive and rejecting they are being then screw 'em. ,(I mean serial offenders... I am not hyper sensitive about a couple af failures to apply) Hilariously this friend has cried endless times to her boyfriend (my long standing mate) about how she has no friends and how I don't love her enough. I then have to listen to this. Yawn.

AliceRR · 02/07/2019 16:38

I get annoyed generally with people who don’t reply to texts as if they’re too busy to find 2 minutes text you at some stage (within a week?) after you have texted them. It’s not that hard unless you really don’t care about a person

Esto · 02/07/2019 16:47

It's never occurred to me to be bothered about how long it takes someone to reply to a message, and given the time my friends and family take to reply (hours/days/weeks) I assume they feel the same. I'm not a slave to my phone. Confused If she is a good friend maybe don't take it personally?

LoafofSellotape · 02/07/2019 16:49

Next time she asks how you are,just reply 'fine thanks,you?' and see if she replies?

GileadWivesAreFashionIcons · 02/07/2019 17:00

I have a friend who does this and whilst I could live with it generally, she is constantly updating her various social media accounts so it’s not like she’s too busy or her phone has died! I’ve started not replying myself as I was just getting resentful. Everything is fine with us in real life but I think this had the potential to grow into something big between us if I hadn’t decided to stop engaging.

Fizzysours · 02/07/2019 17:03

Esto maybe you never experienced sustained rudeness then....be grateful. It's repeatedly ignoring messages we are talking about. A good friend just took three days to answer me. I'm not bothered by that at all. She is busy!! But she cared enough to answer me when she had time. The ex friend often didn't. Unless she wanted something.

Drum2018 · 02/07/2019 17:07

@LoafofSellotape suggestion would work well - fine thanks, you? - you're not giving anything away and you won't give a shit if she replies or not Smile. If you reply with info about yourself and she can't be bothered to acknowledge it then just keep it simple and she'll probably stop texting.

bristolone · 02/07/2019 17:08

I do this. I don't mean to. I mean to reply, then a child pee's in the floor and something else kicks off. I just find life overwhelming sometimes. It probably isn't meant how it looks.