Finding love when you have a disability

[Stacey1992]

I had my left arm (just above the elbow) amputated four years ago, when I was 23. It’s taken me a tremendous amount of time to rebuild my life and I feel that I might be ready to start dating again. For the past few months I’ve tried a few dating apps but I’ve had no luck (I’ve used photos of myself where it’s obvious that I’ve got no arm). I did get close to a date with someone I met through a sailing group I’m a part of but he said he’d feel uncomfortable because of my arm. Apart from this I’ve had nothing in the past four years. I was just wondering if anyone else has had any experience of dating with a physical disability and maybe even some success stories where it’s turned into a long term relationship. Thank you

I know somebody who is a wheelchair user, they are married and have one dog and cat.

I have no experience but you sound like a lovely person. I know an amputee, and I'll admit that almost the first thing I thought when I met him was that he only had one arm. He explained what had happened.
He is a smashing guy and he says that he is a much nicer person since the accident. He's a dad and a grandad and has a long term partner.
In your position, I'd be inclined to not post dating site photos that make your arm obvious. It is only part of you. Your personality is what makes you you. You could put it in your profile, if you want to.
Get to know a potential date first.
Not to belittle your disability - you have done brilliantly to overcome it and across as so well-adjusted.
Hope you meet someone wonderful.

I agree, maybe try using photos which don't make it obvious. I know that doesn't sound great - why should you have to, maybe they're some of your best photos - but I do think we are trained to be shallow and people can still be good people even if they initially seem well, shallow! I think with Tinder if you're in a big city it can almost sometimes be like you're trying to find reasons to swipe left - it's often not because of something that's a universally-disliked quality.
Not making it obvious on your profile would not be something anyone could reproach you for (fwiw I wouldn't care at all if a Tinder date turned up and had chosen not to reveal an amputation beforehand, I actually don't understand why anyone would be bothered!) and some of the people who would initially be put off (or have mindlessly swiped left) might well be much more open-minded after a week of chatting and after coming to see you you as a multifaceted, funny, intelligent etc person. Good luck OP 🌷

@MikeUniformMike thank you so much for your reply! I have often thought that using pictures where it’s obvious might be putting people off. It might sound silly but I worry that if I were to go on a date and they didn’t know they might get a fright when they see me! I’m glad to hear that you know of someone who’s had a good life despite it! I definitely am a much nicer person since it happened too- I’m a lot less superficial and a lot more sympathetic towards others now!

@velourvoyageur thank you so much for your reply! I think I definitely will try a photo where it isn’t obvious. I think you are definitely right about people almost looking for reasons to swipe left on Tinder, especially when there are a lot of people to choose from!

I know someone who is in a wheel chair and has a condition called arthrogryposis which means they have twisted hands and feet. She is married and has a daughter.

@thedevilcamefromthehimber that’s so lovely to hear- I think I have to remind myself sometimes that there are people out there who are less fortunate than I am that are still able to have happy relationships!

Hi,

I have mental disabilities (that do impact my daily life) and my DP is an amputee (admittedly only of his thumb but still). He also has several other issues that impact his life (chronic pain and fatigue). We've been together for just over 2 years, share a home and have one DC together.

So, happiness and love is out there. Yes, we have our problems and disabilities but we are happy together. We met through friends and knew each other for a while before dating, but not sure if someone you already know would be an option for you?

Either way, I hope you can have someone very special soon and enjoy dating in the meantime! Good luck

I’m disabled and have a husband and family. I was disabled when I met DP but I’ve deteriorated over the years. We were good friends before we started dating.

My grown up kids are very unfazed by disability; I dropped my daughter off at the gym the other day and there was a handsome guy with an artificial leg getting into his car next to us. My daughter (who is currently single and on the look out) said, “Ooh he’s very fit, I’ll be keeping an eye out for him.”

So I do think there are many people out there who are open to being with someone with a disability.

People can be really shallow and judgemental on dating apps. Basically none of these people know you or are invested in you, and another equally pretty stranger without your issues is only a click away. In my experience if there’s any reason that people might reject you then online dating isn’t the best solution. It’s better to get out and meet people, if someone likes you they’re more likely to be ok with whatever disability etc you might have.

My ex (who I'm still good friends with) uses a wheelchair after he had an accident that injured his spine. (Unfortunately, it didn't work out between us but I'll point out that it was him who dumped me! )

It wasn't really something I gave a lot of thought to tbh. The only thing that bothered me was his chronic pain, he coped well with it but I just didn't like the idea of him being in pain all the time. I was attracted to him, his gooooorgeous face and he's super cool also a dynamite in bed .
I still talk to him everyday, hes one of my best friends now.

Not RTFT.
Thanks for your reply OP.
The reason I said don't post photos making your disability obvious is not to hide your disability, but to not make it about your disability.
There is no reason why someone wouldn't want to date you. You are probably attractive, fun and can do most things, You even sail!
You are young and intelligent and are obviously a strong person.
Somebody out there will fall for you.

JumpJump, I'm sure you know but ' only ' a thumb is pretty bad as it is the most useful part of a hand. The disability being less obvious can have disadvantages.
I have taken part in activities where amputees have participated.
Someone who enjoys life and takes part is going to be attractive.

@JumpJumpJumperoo thank you for your reply! Sorry I didn’t just mean physical disabilities- I just meant with mine you can literally spot it a mile off! I can imagine that having a thumb amputated is still incredibly difficult because so many things your hands do are dependent on the thumb grasping things collaboratively with your fingers (if that makes sense!). I do try and keep an open mind when meeting people through friends- the only thing that steered me towards online dating was that there’s no one I know currently who would think of me in that way I think. Before I lost my arm I would never have considered online dating I don’t think- I always just thought somebody would find their way to me!

@MikeUniformMike Of course I know that, watching DP struggle sometimes is heartbreaking. But I imagine there'd be more he couldn't do if it was a different part of him that he lost. He said the same thing when we talked about the thread as I replied to it.

You're definitely right, it can be a disadvantage. A lot of people don't notice, and that can make things hard. His job requires gloves, but he can't wear them properly and has to make it known a lot. He can't grip some things (but can still open jars better than me). It's still hard sometimes, even if he doesn't seem that different.

@Stacey1992 Don't worry, I get exactly what you mean! My disabilities are semi-visible as I gave lots of old, faded scars from previous self-harm but it can easily be hidden by sleeves.

It can be hard for him, yes, he gets annoyed when he can't grip things properly and finds it hard to do some very basic things, as I'm sure you do too.

I get what you mean about not knowing anyone through friends.
Before getting together with DP, I tried online dating too as I didn't feel brave enough to go further with him than friendship. I left my issues out of my profile but put them in one of the first messages I sent to the other person. Then soon after, DP asked me out!

You sound so lovely, whoever you find to be your partner will be very lucky!

*have not gave!

I have two friends who have part of their arm missing too. One is completely loved up and the other never struggled on OLD.
My ex had one very small eye, he eventually got the confidence to get a prosthesis, but I loved him because he was hot and because he was a lovely man.
Confidence is the answer I think. Be proud of who you are xx

I rarely post, but just wanted to share my experience. My DP is also missing the lower part of one arm. I met him irl so it was obvious from the start but it has never been an issue. Although in the beginning I probably did try to help him with stuff which he really didn't need and graciously declined. Now I think I'm the complete opposite as I genuinely forget, but he knows to say if he needs me. Anyway good luck op, and I say that not from a disability point of view but sincerely as I would say to anyone venturing into the world of dating irl or online.

@GentleOnMyMind thank you for your reply! I’m so glad that things have worked for and your partner- I think it’s hard to anticipate when someone will need the extra help- I have people offer to do things for me a lot that actually i could do myself as well!

That must be frustrating. Just wanted to add that you sound really lovely, you come across very genuine and self aware. I would second what previous poster said it's about confidence, which is hard, but I look at my partner and his resilience and attitude towards life in general is inspiring. Wish you well op

@GentleOnMyMind thank you so much, that’s such a kind post!

I’m a 20-something year old wheelchair user, I think the key to dating with a disability is self confidence. The first thing anyone spots about me is my wheelchair, while I’d rather be seen for who I am first it’s natural that my difference is what stands out and that’s okay too. My disability isn’t a big deal to me, I think that helps a lot. I’ve dated both able bodied & disabled people, my partner is disabled also but our relationship just sort of happened to be honest! We met, became friends and things went from there. I’ve had blokes hit on me in pubs/clubs who were completely unfazed by my wheels but I’ve also had some absolute knobs too. I sat on a barstool once which left my wheelchair out of view, a bloke was staring and smiling at me for a while. I needed the loo so I transferred back to my chair, went past him and heard “fucking hell didn’t know she was in a wheelchair. Fuck that l.” I burst out laughing and told him he never had a chance anyway! As hard as it may be, never let anyone’s ignorance hurt you. Be confident in yourself. You ARE beautiful and you will meet someone who thinks you’re incredible.

@RamblingEm thank you for your reply! I think you are absolutely right about confidence being key- I actually am starting to think that maybe I’m not actually ready to date yet as my confidence is still quite low- I still get really upset when I see a picture of myself with two arms and I feel such a sense of loss. I think maybe I need to work on being more confident in myself before I get involved with someone else. I’m glad you’re happy with your partner!

It’s such an adjustment, I truly think there is a grieving process when it comes to disability. Particularly for those of us who acquire a disability versus being born with one. The life we knew, the life we thought we’d have, suddenly changes but it changes in such a way that it’s like a death. Healthy me “died” years ago. Everything I ever wanted to do with my life, I never will. I was severely depressed for a couple of years when I realised I would never recover, I wouldn’t allow anyone to take a picture of me in my wheelchair. But I can truly say I’m happy now, I love my life, I love my wheelchair and am comfortable with who I am and how I look. If someone doesn’t want me because of my wheelchair/disability I’m okay with that because I love me but my god did it take some work to get there. You will get there, too. It’s a loss, but what disability teaches you about life is a beautiful thing