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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Finding love when you have a disability

36 replies

Stacey1992 · 02/07/2019 12:43

I had my left arm (just above the elbow) amputated four years ago, when I was 23. It’s taken me a tremendous amount of time to rebuild my life and I feel that I might be ready to start dating again. For the past few months I’ve tried a few dating apps but I’ve had no luck (I’ve used photos of myself where it’s obvious that I’ve got no arm). I did get close to a date with someone I met through a sailing group I’m a part of but he said he’d feel uncomfortable because of my arm. Apart from this I’ve had nothing in the past four years. I was just wondering if anyone else has had any experience of dating with a physical disability and maybe even some success stories where it’s turned into a long term relationship. Thank you

OP posts:
Thrupennybrit · 04/07/2019 21:50

I landed up as a paraplegic in a wheelchair in my teens after a bad road accident. I married at 23 and we will shortly celebrate our 33rd anniversary. 2DC and a life lived all over the world we feel extremely lucky.

I can't really comment about OLD but my experiences at university and beyond suggest that meeting lots of people in groups so men got to know me was key. I did feel disadvantaged but think that having high standards and valuing yourself will help finding decent partners. If your disability weeds out some fuckwits that can only be a good thing.

crappyday2018 · 04/07/2019 22:30

Hi OP, firstly you sound lovely. I would actually say that if you're confidence is a bit low then OLD isn't for you at the moment. I consider myself a reasonable confident person and it used to really make me feel crap about myself. Even as someone with no disability, I struggled with how fickle some people are.
Work on yourself and your self-confidence and then perhaps think about one of the paid dating sites maybe? Tinder and POF can be grim. Good luck to you!

Whatam1doing · 04/07/2019 23:34

I met my partner online he’s totally blind and an amputee due to a bomb blast. Obviously the blindness wasn’t noticeable on the pic but his arm was. I didn’t notice I just saw his smile and his height (6ft 2!) we texted for a few days then arranged to call and chat. About 20 mins in he told me about his disability..I wasn’t bothered and we arranged to meet. The next day he gave me the option to pull out if I wanted saying he knew it might have been hard to say no when he was actually on the phone. I didn’t. We’ve been together 3 years he’s the best thing that ever happened to me.

It is possible. I’d say don’t make it obvious In the photos get chatting via text then arrange to speak and mention it then. Good luck it will work for you.

rolos · 05/07/2019 00:22

I don’t have any advice but you sound really lovely OP

Any guy would be lucky to have you 🙂

Stacey1992 · 06/07/2019 06:28

@rolos thank you so much! That really has made me smile!

OP posts:
Stacey1992 · 06/07/2019 06:31

@Whatam1doing thank you for your reply! That’s such a nice story and I’m so glad things have worked out for you and your partner! I think you’re right that actually telling them is probably the best way forward after you’ve spoken to them for a little bit

OP posts:
Stacey1992 · 06/07/2019 06:41

@RamblingEm thank you so much for your reply! You’ve summed it up so well. Your life does change beyond belief. Every time I see a picture of myself with two arms I remember all the things I used to be able to do and all the things I planned to do and how much more independent i was! I am so much happier than I’ve been but I still think I’ve got a way to go! You are completely right about disability teaching you beautiful things about life. I think I said it earlier in the thread but I feel I’m a kinder and more patient person now and I definitely see things differently to how I did before. I’m really glad that you’re happy and confident and I really do wish you all the best!

OP posts:
harjulhar · 06/07/2019 10:41

I'm a 58 year old disabled guy, I lost my right leg in a motorbike accident over 33 years ago, I went through a very short, "why me and how can I find a girlfriend when I only have one leg". I went about on crutches for 6 months, until I could get my first artificial leg, this was because of the damage to the remaining limb healing slowly. I had no therapy or physiotherapy and because of my attitude to becoming an amputee, I was asked to attend a few clinics, to do motivational speaking for newly affected amputees.
I didn't have a GF at the time of my accident, but as time went on, I got back into dating and the days when I couldn't wear my leg or had shorts on and my leg was in full view, it didn't seem to make any difference to the female I was with.
One day, I was at the clinic and about to do my thing, a nurse wheeled in a beautiful tall and blonde girl, she was stunning, everyone in the room looked at her, at this she burst into tears, she'd lost her right leg above the knee only a few weeks earlier and had been very very low. I asked the room if I could be excused to spend a little while with her. We went to one side, I talked to her and managed to get her to lift her head up and convince herself she was no different to anyone else. I mentioned that I'd gone through the same thing, "what can I do on one leg, men won't find me attractive anymore, I'm no use to anyone" kind of thing. In less than 25 minutes, she was back in the room with the rest of the team and engaging in all conversations. After a couple of months, she had her first leg and in no time was out an about, walking with crutches, then sticks, down to one stick and eventually, none, I still see her on occasion and some days she uses a stick, but so what, it's not a decoration, it's a method of helping you to get around. She's been married for 20 years, has a gem of a husband and 2 great kids, what does that tell you?
I found a woman whom I thought was the bees knees and we were in love and happy for a long time, we have two great kids, but she changed into a money spending monster, the relationship eventually failed and we parted. I now live alone, but have a lovely girlfriend, she was born in America, moved back to the UK with her mother at 6 months old, she's an ex model, worked all over the world and is gorgeous. She worships me, as much as I do her, we get on fantastically and nothing stops us from having a great life both in and out of the bedroom.

Don't think you are useless and no good to anyone, you need to be useful and good to yourself first.
If someone asks me if I only have 1 leg, I say "no, I have three, my spare one is at home, but some days, I like to go out on a limb", I then walk away, leaving them with a puzzled look on their faces, you can have a laugh and will do.

Never give up.

rejected15 · 06/07/2019 11:15

@RamblingEm you are so right. My life changed at 15 when I suffered an illness which left me disabled. I still grieve for the life I had before.

londonredhead · 09/07/2019 21:58

Hi Stacey!

Normally lurk on here but you've prompted me to post.

I have part of my arm missing below the elbow. Unlike you though, I was born with it.
I understand how you feel. When I was younger, I thought that I would never find a boyfriend because of my arm. I felt that, whenever someone got too close and they hadn't noticed my arm, I would hurriedly tell them, so that they had the chance to leave. I can honestly say that they never did, because they had got to know me a little. I think, as others have said on here, let people get to know you first. You shouldn't have to hide your arm, but I guess people can get a bit scared off!

To reassure you, I've been married for 19 years to the most brilliant man and have 2 kids. Self confidence is key. There's nothing I can't do, believe me! You'll be ok.

maximumcarnage · 09/07/2019 22:35

Just throwing the male perspective ‘hat’ into the ring. I don’t and have never discriminated dating anyone with a disability. Sounds a little cliched but I am far more interested in the person.

Sure, you’ll always meet small minded and shallow people but I think you’re better off not getting involved in guys like that. You’ll meet someone who loves you for you, that I don’t doubt.

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