I've tried writing this three times. I am very confused. Have asked RL people but I think I need some anonymous, independent advice.
DP and I have been together for 6 years. Living together now and thinking about marriage/babies. Until about four months ago, I was pretty happy but am now very worried. Nothing has changed or triggered this - I am just more worried about things I was already anxious about.
FIL is very patriarchal. He expects DP and I to follow his advice - when we don't he complains (at me almost exclusively). In fact he complains constantly; he is very critical and quite unkind. DP and FIL always brush off my concerns about this criticism as a lack of education or emotional intelligence on FIL's part. His behaviour is excused and he is never expected to apologise or attempt to be nicer to anyone.
The criticism is upsetting, even when its not about me as I hear it all the time. I am more and more concerned that it will continue through a pregnancy and beyond - I am concerned about the impact on my mental health. I struggle with depression (triggered funnily enough by a constantly critical family as a child) and am aware that the high level of criticism I face from FIL is unhelpful. DP feels that I cannot assume FIL will be critical based on past experience - I feel that I can. He criticises SIL's and a family friend's parenting constantly - he feels qualified to comment on everything. He expected SIL to potty train when he told her to, to start teaching letters when he told her to, to feed nephew what he told her to - when she didn't he complained at me. He will defintely expect the same from me and I am afraid that he will simply do what he wants because he sees himself as the authority in our household. (Asian family, no MIL to temper his behaviour). He has form - he ignores godson's mother's wishes and feeds godson whatever FIL wants him to eat.
He also has a history of endangering children. I'd like to say via benign neglect but can't. He does childcare for his 'godson'. For a long time he would not use a carseat for godson (then aged 3) or even make him wear a seatbelt. Despite being told (by me, DP wouldn't at first say anything) that this was illegal and his responsibility, he said carseats aren't used in home country so he doesn't have to and it is godson's mother's responsibility to provide one. I insisted that he had to use one - DP bought one but it was only sporadically used at first until I further insisted. For SIL's children and now for godson too he does use the carseats but has told me that he thinks 3 year old is too big and doesn't need one.
There have been other incidents. Godson's sister (then aged 2) left unsupervised in bath because godson (then aged 4 and favoured by FIL) wanted to put his pjs on. Both children (then aged 3 and 5) left unsupervised for two hours in kitchen while FIL napped - they were left food but wanted Ribena that was stored on top of fridge. They pushed a chair to climb up fridge to get Ribena (according to FIL - I wasn't there). Ribena was split and FIL blamed the 3 year old - in fact he called her a manipulative bitch.
He can also be horrorifcally critical of children he does not favour. Godson's sister is described as having 'bad blood', as a bitch for very normal 3 year old behaviour. Now he has started saying that his granddaughter two is more intelligent than granddaughter one - GD2 is a little advanced developmentally than GD1 at same age but not on a genius level.
I have tried to talk to DP about all of this. Before we even start trying, I want us to agree on some values around parenting and on some clear boundaries for his dad. He won't engage at all. Either he becomes very defensive, saying that I am unreasonable, that his dad won't endanger his kids, that I can't dictate what my child eats. Other times he says if FIL does something I don't like as long as it is reasonable then DP will speak to him - but everything I say is deemed unreasonable.
I don't feel I can trust DP or FIL with a future child. I know that this is anxiety about an unknown future but I feel its irresponsible to have a baby knowing that FIL might endanger them or be incredibly cruel to them or to me. I am worried that if baby has an health problems or learning difficulties, FIL will be very quick with blame and criticism that will affect my mental health. I've seen him do this with godson's family - even if he doesn't say it to them, he's telling everyone else.
I'm sorry it's long. How do I get DP onside with me? I'd like advice on getting him to be supportive on dealing with FIL and being a team before babies.
Or do I leave now? I am very torn. 6 years is a long time to invest and in many ways we've been very happy but FIL is a constant problem that we cannot resolve as DP will never confront FIL even when DP acknowledges FIL to be unreasonable or wrong