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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Think i'm going crazy... literally

34 replies

namechangefordays · 02/07/2019 10:26

how pathetic is this?
My DP thinks i'm cheating on him, we live in a flat with neighbors under us, We have a communal garden that the 4 of our flats share. underneath there is a man around 45 his girlfriend and children. I have always got on with her talking to her in the garden etc. we used to share worries of our anxieties as she had previous PTSD. anyway her fella he's alright never really had a conversation with him he played football sometimes with my DS last summer in our garden, all is well.

Well since my partner started thinking i was either cheating on him or having an online affair, he thinks i get people to watch him, i don't know why maybe because we have a lot of nosy neighbors who look out of windows when you go out or whatever. So I've been accused of having an affair with this poor woman's fella (they don't know this) i fight my corner and tell him hes being stupid baring in mind he is about 45 with very long grey hair and i'm 25! (nothing wrong with that if that's your type).

I don't know where he has got this idea from but he says they watch him when he goes in the garden, every time he goes out he says they run to the window to watch him (he thinks his girlfriends somehow involved in this too), they drink alcohol quite a lot downstairs and put bottles in the outside bin, my DP thinks this is to let me know something because they made a loud bang.

I wouldn't say their noisy neighbors they've got a toddler so you hear banging daily like i imagine shes banging toys etc. it doesn't bother me but it gets my DP really annoyed because he thinks its the man banging on their roof to me to sign something to me.

Last night my DP went in the garden and said that both him and her ran through the kitchen to their back door to just watch what he was doing while they was smoking.

He was already mad and throwing accusations at me checking my phone and doing his patronizing little laugh as if to say i know you've been on your phone (i hadn't).

About 10pm he took our plastic recycle bin down to the garden and tipped it into the bin really loud. Half an hour later he was going on saying there's grass in his sock draw so i must be using his socks to go in the garden when hes asleep.

Then he put the washing machine on 1200 spin which we never do. it was really loud i couldn't hear the tele and he said lets see if they like that i'm putting it on again when its done (he didn't)
A while later i said i'm going to bed. he looked out of the window and said haha i told you you'd go to bed when their kitchen lights gone off (this is a different person across the road i wouldn't even recognize if i passed in the street , oh and a lesbian!) i said it was inevitable that they would turn their kitchen light off 2 hours after you said it so that's not fair. i got in bed tried to sleep heart pounding.
He was back and fourth about 4 times looking out of the bedroom window. turned the big light on once just to go in the bedroom draw to say got your chargers all ready there (they were charging plugs i didn't even know where there but he obviously did) then he took the charging plugs and went away. i went to sleep eventually.
This morning i woke him up to take me to work after i'd got up with DS made packed lunches, got us ready and took him to school (same routine every day) and he is fine and dandy, everything was back to normal and he was smiling and talking normal. This happens every single day not the same man or situation but its always around something else to do with me cheating. is he a physco or something? if i cry he asks me whats up? how can he not know and why does he expect me to follow his good mood every morning and why the hell do i? i feel like its easier to have half the day at least smiling until something happens.

My child is literally the person i live and breathe for and i feel like such a bad mum at the moment like i'm failing him.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 02/07/2019 10:32

For your sake and your child's, leave. Staying with this man and exposing your child to his behaviour? That would be failing as a mum. 💐

Kurololi · 02/07/2019 10:32

Does your partner have a mental health diagnosis? A lot of his behaviours i.e. Finding meaning in random events, paranoia, suspicion, are quite troubling.

Either way this sounds very stressful and upsetting for you. Do you feel safe? Have you spoken to anyone in real life about this?

pog100 · 02/07/2019 10:37

He sounds seriously mentally unstable/I'll to me. Not that I have any real idea. He sounds terrible to live with anyway and I would advise start looking into how to separate.

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/07/2019 10:39

I agree with Kirololl. Is your DP around the same age as you? Mental health issues can start to surface around mid twenties, and he really does sound as though he's mentally unwell, with the paranoia and the repeated checking.

Maybe talk to your GP about it. Whatever, he doesn't sound safe to be around, this could escalate really quickly.

TokyoSushi · 02/07/2019 10:42

He sounds unwell. He needs medical attention, and you need to leave.

namechangefordays · 02/07/2019 10:44

He has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression.
He is on citalophram and has just started therapy.
He used to be absolutely fine no mental health issues it was like something just changed about a year ago.
I was always the one with anxiety who didn't want to go out and now i don't have time to think about my own anxiety because i'm too busy worrying about him.
I have tried to leave him 3 times but each times he goes to kill himself until i come back.
By goes to i mean literally sits in his car next to me revving his engine and he really will do it!
I know i'm failing DS but i feel like i would of failed him more if he ends up with a dead dad because of me because i left him when he was mentally unwell.

OP posts:
namechangefordays · 02/07/2019 10:45

and sorry yes he is around the same age as me.

OP posts:
FATEdestiny · 02/07/2019 10:47

Is he a drug user or drinker? Does he smoke weed?

namechangefordays · 02/07/2019 10:47

He also sees the GP regularly and is on weekly prescription so he doesn't overdose. I have took him to a&e mental health team on 2 occasions where he has tried to kill himself because i wanted to leave. They do nothing other than arranged therapy and gave him some calming tablets which he wont take because he thinks i will do something behind his back when he falls asleep off them.

OP posts:
namechangefordays · 02/07/2019 10:49

He did smoke weed for about 4 years. he stopped for about 2 years and then started again about a year ago. He has recently stopped again about 2 weeks ago when i left him. I know i'm stupid for going back! Neither of us drink.

OP posts:
Plipplopbop · 02/07/2019 10:53

Killing himself is HIS choice, do not let it away you. He is unstable, you cannot cure him, you cannot give your life up for someone just because they threaten it. When he threatens to kill himself, call the police or his family. You need to walk away and really understand suicide is always the individual's choice, and as someone who has been in the same place 29 yrs ago, my ex is still amazingly alive and well.

maras2 · 02/07/2019 10:53

It's not you that's crazy.
Does he smoke weed?

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 02/07/2019 10:56

He is paranoid. He needs help.

Easy for me to say, but his mental health isn't your responsibility.

I couldn't live like this. Can you speak to him about accessing help?

HollowTalk · 02/07/2019 11:01

I think you should speak to your doctor about him. As soon as I read this I thought "weed" and you've confirmed it.

You need to get away from him. Where did you go to when you left last time?

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 02/07/2019 11:05

He sounds very mentally unwell and should try and get help.
You can't be held responsible for his behaviours and choices if you leave OP. It sounds exhausting.

Tableclothing · 02/07/2019 11:05

The weed smoking will make his anxiety depression and paranoia worse.
I don't want to frighten you but he is potentially heading towards cannabis psychosis.
I really think you should leave until after he has sorted himself out.

Beetlebum1981 · 02/07/2019 11:10

As others have said, I think you need to speak to his GP as a matter of urgency. His behaviour is far from normal and is incredibly paranoid. Keep a note if his behaviour- you could email it to yourself then there's no paper trail as such to make him more paranoid. I'd also be talking to your HV and family if possible. I know his threats of suicide are horrendous but he is blackmailing you into staying. If he makes such threats in future you need to phone 999 and send them rather than involving yourself. Living with behaviour like this isn't healthy for you or your child and you need to start putting yourself first x

namechangefordays · 02/07/2019 11:11

Lat time i went to my mum and dads and he said he either needs our son full time or he cant cope with life.
I obviously couldn't hand over our child to him in that state of mind and told him he could have him 3 days a week and me 4 which i still didn't want to do. He had our son overnight and said he will put all his money in our sons bag to bring to me i said i didn't want his money he didn't need to kill himself.
My mum said i cant keep coming to her house then taking him back but that's the reason i go back because i don't feel safe at her house i'm worried he'll come and terrorize her house or something so i try to keep him sweet and constantly text him back.
I'm worried about where i can go and i'm worried about how to approach if i leave with regards to contact with DS and having to communicate because of him.
He is open to help if i practically force him but there's nothing anyone will do apart from give him crisis numbers which he won't use. The GP, therapy team and A & E all know the exact situation, Not one of them have said that he is emotionally abusing me just that they were proud of him for telling them that he manipulates me into not doing things.

OP posts:
Preggosaurus9 · 02/07/2019 11:13

Him attempting suicide is his choice. Not your fault in any way. He is an adult who makes his own shitty choices. Don't let the threat of suicide keep you in this awful situation.

Bigmango · 02/07/2019 11:17

For the sake of you are your child’s safety, you have to leave. He sounds really really ill. You cannot expose yourself to that level of risk. Please just leave. Now.

EKGEMS · 02/07/2019 11:23

He sounds like he has paranoid schizophrenia .Whatever he has is very troubling because his perception of reality is altered and he seems to be fixating on you and the neighbors. Is there any way you can contact the mental health team and inform them of your concerns and his suicide threats?

FuriousVexation · 02/07/2019 11:24

STOP taking the responsibility here. He is a grown adult and a parent and needs to make his own decisions about his health.

He certainly seems ill from what you've written. Quite seriously ill. You said that his behaviour started about a year ago, which coincides with the time he started smoking cannabis again. I'm not a medical professional but at this point I'd be suspecting that using cannabis again after a relatively large gap has triggered something in his brain.

You have two choices here.

  1. Stay there and effectively be his carer, putting up with his threats and accusations whilst not being paid and exposing your children to some quite disturbing experiences
  2. Leave him, go to your mum's, signal the relevant authorities (e.g. his GP, the local social services adult safeguaring team) that he needs urgent help. Keep your children safe. Don't even think about going back to him. If he calls and says "I'm going to kill myself" then end the call immediately and call 999 with his location. (This is "official" advice from the Samaritans, the Police, the NHS.)

It's unlikely he will actually harm himself. But I think, all things considered, that "my dad chose to take his own life when I was a child" is less harmful than "everyone has to walk on eggshells and pretend to believe my dad's irrational thoughts because otherwise he might kill himself".

You're in a very hard position OP. I know each of these choices is hard. But they are choices. You have options. Your DC do not.

I have seen your posts on this board many times and you are always compassionate and caring about other MNers. Please turn that compassionate nature to your own self, because you deserve more than this life of anxiety.

namechangefordays · 02/07/2019 11:37

thank you so much, i think that's the most truth i've ever heard. i feel like no one knows exactly just how hard this is i feel like i'm in a life or death situation!

OP posts:
FuriousVexation · 02/07/2019 11:45

You're going to be okay. One day all of this will be past, and you'll have survived it.

supercali77 · 02/07/2019 11:48

The paranoia is going to be massively exacerbated by smoking weed. My brother developed schizophrenia with severe paranoid delusions as a young man, he was smoking weed at the time. They say - the propensity is always there but weed can act as a catalyst to the condition. His threats to kill himself are almost certainly just that - threats - but either way you're being held emotional hostage by this man.

RE: your son you said:
"if he ends up with a dead dad because of me because i left him when he was mentally unwell"

You need to see the logical fallacy here. If his dad takes his own life due to a mental health condition which he refused to get treatment for while he emotionally abused and manipulated you - it is not 'because of you'. You more than likely have codependency issues and so are taking responsibility for his mental health, his treatment, his potential suicide. He is an adult, and he is responsible for his own behaviour. You can feel some empathy for someone struggling with mental health AND also recognise that you can no longer place yourself in a vulnerable position where you're being abused.

Also, if it helps you might think of it like this, your son is either in a home with one parent who's a paranoid delusional emotional manipulator and another parent being emotionally abused. Or alternatively he's in a home with - One healthy parent.

Rather than GP's etc who aren't neccesarily going to understand or spend the time to realise that this is an abusive situation - I would suggest a womens aid organisation. They're likely to understand that this is emotional abuse with complicating MH factors.

Also as PP have suggested - keep a paper trail of everything you're noticing. Once you're out, you want to ensure your son is safe re: contact with his dad. Making dated notes (emails to yourself) is one way to provide evidence of his mental health problems/suicide threats which would impact his ability to parent properly. If you feel unsafe at your mums house then i'd suggest you look into ways that you can legally keep him away from their house. I don't know much about that, hopefully someone else will know more....again if you speak to a WA org they will probably be able to take you through the ways to keep you and your son safe

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