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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you let things go?

43 replies

GrumpyCee · 02/07/2019 07:15

My DP has done some things in the past that I struggled to move past. To be honest, I’m still struggling and it’s causing problems.

The main thing is that I feel that he had an inappropriate relationship with one of his colleagues. He denies this but other colleagues were noticing and commenting on it so it wasn’t just me. The worst thing was that we had made plans which he blew off at the last minute in order to take her out for a drink. This only stopped when the colleague left and got married.

We have discussed these things in great detail and have agreed to move past them. However, he says that I keep mentioning it to him. I rarely mention this but it was relevant to a discussion we were having yesterday where he was proposing to treat the colleagues replacement differently to how he treated the old colleague. I pointed out that he should afford the new colleague the same opportunities and it shouldn’t matter if one is young and one is old. Just because you find someone attractive doesn’t give you a right to treat others less favourably.

I then reminded him of the time he blew me off for the drinks and he replied he had cancelled on me as he’d received a better offer. I told him that this was hurtful and he asked how I thought he felt with me constantly berating him.

I hardly mention it but perhaps he has a point. How do I get past this? I still feel hurt about his behaviour but realistically I cannot keep talking about it.

Does anybody have any experience or tips to help me?

Thanks so much.

OP posts:

MikeUniformMike · 02/07/2019 08:37

Don't mention it at all.

Original poster

GrumpyCee · 02/07/2019 15:19

Thanks- I am still finding it difficult to let these things go. Even if I don’t mention them.

OP posts:

newmomof1 · 02/07/2019 15:28

If it bothers you, you should be allowed to talk about it.
He was the one in the wrong and it only bothers you occasionally.

If you bottle it up you'll resent him more m.

dancingcamper · 02/07/2019 15:28

Does he understand what he did wrong? You won't be able to move on if you don't trust him to act differently in the future.

HollowTalk · 02/07/2019 15:33

The thing is that you are with a dickhead. You can try telling yourself he isn't, but you'll always be aware deep down that he is. It's what you do about it now that matters, not what he does about it.

MrsSpenserGregson · 02/07/2019 15:39

he replied he had cancelled on me as he’d received a better offer.

You're his partner. There shouldn't be a better offer. You're the best offer!

He's a dick.

MikeUniformMike · 02/07/2019 15:49

Write it down. Be as objective as you can. All of it. Don't accuse him, just write down what happened, what you thought, and how it made you feel.
Put it away somewhere.
When you are in a strong frame of mind, think about how important each bit of what you have written is.
I suspect that you would feel better if he acknowledged that whatever happened it made you feel and think the way you did or do.

He sounds an arse.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/07/2019 16:14

You say partner. Are you married?
Do you have children together?
Mortgage together?

Hadalifeonce · 02/07/2019 16:17

I feel your pain OP, DH did something stupid over a year ago, even after counselling, I cannot let it go.
I have no answer I'm afraid, but just responding to let you know that you are not alone.
Even though DH has owned his error and apologised profusely, there is still an undercurrent of mistrust within me, and anything that seems slightly suspect brings it all to the surface again.
Even though he was at fault, I am the one still suffering.

Original poster

GrumpyCee · 02/07/2019 16:45

We aren’t married, have no children together and no mortgage.

He will never admit that he is wrong.

OP posts:

MikeUniformMike · 02/07/2019 16:51

Men generally won't.

Brakebackcyclebot · 02/07/2019 16:53

We aren’t married, have no children together and no mortgage

He will never admit that he is wrong*

In these circumstances - no children, no financial ties, I would leave. Find yourself someone better, who never things he has a "better option". This relationship will only eat into your self-esteem (I expect it has already).

Of course he "agreed" to move past these things. What does he have to "move past"? Nothing! - he's expecting you to forgive, forget and never mention it again - you have to "move past" it, and he gets to have his shitty behaviour forgotten. Who has to do all the work there?

Plipplopbop · 02/07/2019 17:00

My story is similar to Hadalifeonce. In your position I'd go as if he sees his behaviour as ok he will do it again, but this time you may be married, pregnant, financially dependant etc. The mistrust never fully goes, and he must see he was completely in the wrong,which he doesn't.

Original poster

GrumpyCee · 02/07/2019 19:02

@Brakebackcyclebot you’ve hit the nail on the head. It has affected my self esteem.

Also, I tried to have a conversation with him tonight about topics he thinks we have agreed not to talk about. We spoke at length about how bad it made him feel. I agreed that I would try to minimise the amount of time I mentioned the two things.

I also asked him if he would try to minimise the amount of times he speaks to me like I am one of his ‘lad friends’. By this I mean him telling me about other women he fancies or how attractive they are. He refused! He said that would be too hard for him.

I’m at a total loss and I’m afraid I have just let him have it both barrels.

OP posts:

MikeUniformMike · 02/07/2019 19:18

We spoke at length about how bad it made him feel.
telling me about other women he fancies or how attractive they are.
Dump him.

Brakebackcyclebot · 02/07/2019 19:27

You are worth more than that OP! What would you tell your best friend to do? Do that.....

Piersorgan · 02/07/2019 19:30

Watching this with interest. I find it difficult to let go of stuff also.

sar302 · 02/07/2019 19:34

I thought you were going to talk about letting go of things like constantly leaving his pants on the floor, or something small.

I wouldn't let go of the fact that he had an inappropriate relationship with another woman. I would let him go!

MrsSpenserGregson · 02/07/2019 19:35

OMG WHAT A BASTARD HE IS

I’m at a total loss and I’m afraid I have just let him have it both barrels.

Dump him. He's training you to do exactly what he wants with no regard for what you want/need. This will not get any better.

MrsSpenserGregson · 02/07/2019 19:38

The reason you're struggling to move past the the horrible things your DP has done is because it actually would not be reasonable or possible for any sane person to do so! He is horrible. He is selfish. He does not respect you.

Ninkaninus · 02/07/2019 19:40

Why on earth are you still with him? Why would you want to ‘get past’ the terrible way he’s treated you?

You ought to get rid.

Oblomov19 · 02/07/2019 20:04

"he replied he had cancelled on me as he’d received a better offer."

Ninkaninus · 02/07/2019 20:05

I would have been out the door that very same day. How rude and obnoxious, disrespectful and unkind.

You don’t need him, you’re better than that.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 02/07/2019 20:14

With respect, have some self-respect and get rid of disrespectful uncaring bastard.

newmomof1 · 02/07/2019 20:22

Please (and I never ever say this) LTB!

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