What to do when partner has gained weight?

[Mintychoc1]

I often read threads about women whose partners stop fancying them as they’ve been gained weight, and usually they are told that their partners are nasty and shallow, and should be dumped. But what is the right way of handling this?

Been with my partner 3.5 years.
He was on the larger side when we met, but I still fancied him, and fell in love with his personality.
He has since gained some weight - probably about a stone - and I am finding myself less attracted to him, to the extent that it’s affecting my enjoyment of sex with him. I still love him and enjoy his company, but physically I’m feeling less attraction.

He knows he’s gained weight, often talks about how he should lose some, but he never does. We don’t live together so our meals are generally separate.

I fear that if I say something, even kindly, it’ll do permanent damage to the relationship, having read the threads on here in which people are devastated by such admissions. But if I say nothing, he will stay as he is, or get even heavier, and I will fancy him even less.

What is the best way to handle this?

I’ve struggled with my weight all my life, and have to work constantly to keep my BMI at about 23. So I know how hard it is.

Youve stopped fancying him over 14 pounds?

14 is a stone. I can understand being concerned healthwise if it were a sudden gain, like over a few weeks, but gradually over a couple of years a stone isnt really a huge amount. Certainly not significant enough to stop attraction dead

He’s always been overweight, and I guess he was at the upper limit of the “attractiveness “ scale for me when we met. So now he’s gone over it, and I find him less attractive than I did. He’s not tall, so the stone shows. Maybe it’s more than a stone, I don’t know. But there’s a visible difference.

I don’t know what to tell you. It’s an interesting conundrum. It’s a brutal thing to hear from someone you care about. I don’t know if there is a way to tell someone this without really hurting them.

I guess you have to tell someone kindly very very gently if you tell them at all.

It kind of boils down to how much change can you tolerate in a partner? Can other things outweigh the weight /attractiveness issue? We’re all going to get less attractive as we get older (generally physically) so surely sexual attraction needs to be based on more than physical attributes only. Do we expect our partners to “maintain” their attractiveness out of respect for us? If the let themselves go is kind of showing they don’t care about themselves and their partner? I think personally we need to cut people a bit of slack and allow them to change but where is the line?

This is exhausting to think about. I’m glad I’m single again. My body only has to please me

A stone? this sounds like a reverse of the thread posted earlier...

So what are you going to do? tell him he turns you off? leave him?

I find the MN take on weight interesting as it doesn't correlate to my RL experience at all.

My friends and I are all around 50 now. There are only two relationships I know where the couples sizes are mismatched but they were on marriage.

Loving someone and finding them physically attractive can disconnect.

Trying to stay within the healthy weight range is important. I would hate to go to bed with someone new whilst overweight, so why would I be lazy about it with my actual life partner and risk losing the most important adult relationship of my life.

It is taking things for granted and much more importantly can be fixed. I went up to a 16/18 in my marriage as I was unhappy and didn't want him to fancy me. Now I am single I am losing and currently a 12/14 but still want to lose a stone. I want to feel good and my boyfriend to enjoy my body.

He’s had a weight problem as long as you’ve known him and now has increased that a bit. It doesn’t sound as if his propensity for being overweight is likely to change- even if he loses some he may well put it back on. It sounds like a significant issue for you- you talk about the ‘upper end’ of the attractiveness scale - I’m wondering if there are elements of your relationship that actually override this (perhaps there were when you got together?) or whether there isn’t really a future for your relationship.

As another take, could you suggest things to do together (walking, cycling or whatever) that would help with weight control? Not suggesting that you make his weight your project (not sure anyone is motivated to lose weight by another person reminding them about it) but there might be some positive approaches that would help.

My dh has put weight on in the last 25 years and I fancy him just as much.
But we both would like him to lose a bit for health reasons.
Maybe approach it in that way.

I don't know what the answer is. Weight is such a difficult area.
After the menopause there was just no way I could lose weight. I have a feeling that is part of the reason my husband left as he's very shallow but it's not as simple as just lose weight and exercise more.
I had bariatric surgery as I became diabetic and decided to invest in my health and my future but that was totally my decision and absolutely not for cosmetic reasons and I'm feeling so much happier as the weight comes off.
I think the only way you can approach it is that you are worried about his health and the impact of his weight on you as a couple not being able to do certain things together.That you are afraid of losing him.
Obesity isn't healthy, it isn't attractive and it limits life, I'm the first to admit that.
I worked in the diabetic unit for years and I wasn't prepared to start losing feet, then legs and eventually having to inject insulin every morning when there was an alternative.
Now I have so much more energy, I'm not hiding under big baggy and hot clothes all summer, I can go swimming without people staring at me. My life is so much better.

I had to pay for it though. I wasn't "fat enough" for NHS surgery.

I’d approach it from a health point of view. Say you’re worried about him because if he continues to put on weight, his health will suffer- blood pressure, heart issues, diabetes, joint problems etc.
Ask him if there’s any way you can help him to become more healthy.

I had a talk with my partner when this became an issue. He was a bit hurt but understood what I said. I didn't not want to say anything and he continued to gain weight which would completely kill my attraction to him.

Just have a chat with him about.

This is a hard one....

Does he ever mention his weight?
If he does, then jump in and say that perhaps you could do more healthy activities together?

My ex gained loads of weight. Its not why we split, but definitely was one of the reasons I found him unattractive.

Love and sexual attraction are not the same thing. Can't stand this weird rule that if you love someone then you should still fancy them if they gain weight, it's bullshit. You can still love someone but not want to jump into bed with them. I couldn't have sex with someone that I didn't fancy.
You can't help what you're attracted to🤷‍♀️

OP I think you should talk to him about it, but be careful about what you say and be kind.

Just tell him he's started snoring really loudly and you can't share a bed with him at the mo (easy to work around if you don't live together) and he'll work out that it's a weight related issue and will quickly start working to lose it if he's going to start missing out in the bedroom

Of course I appreciate that we all become less conventionally “attractive” as we get older - wrinkles and saggy bits and so on. I’m 51 so I’m aware of that. I think perhaps weight feels different, because unlike the ageing process, it actually is within our power to change weight.

My partner eats too much. He knows it, and often says he should eat less, but shrugs and says he can’t seem to manage it. He’s a happy active person, not depressed, lots of interests, and gets a reasonable amount of exercise. I’m frustrated that he seems happily oblivious to the effect his weight might be having on our relationship .

I suspect that if I told him how I feel, it would make him lose weight. But I worry that the hurt he would feel, would do lasting damage to our relationship. So I don’t know what to do.

I had a similar situation and just had a chat like Ukgift. However, I left it longer because I didn't want to be mean, or hurt my partner, and I felt guilty for feeling that way about him.

I wish I'd felt able to say something sooner. He understood where I was coming from, and has since lost a stone.

For me it wasn't just the weight, it was also the letting himself go, no caring about his appearance anymore.

If I put on weight, I would want to be told. I'd know he still loved me.

I think the vast majority of overweight people know they are and would love to be in a healthier range. They just find it extremely difficult to achieve. I base relationships on connection rather than visual but I’m sure given the choice, many would want both!

Could you start healthy eating together? Joint effort sort of thing?
What exercise does he do? Is it something you could do too?

He sounds lovely Minty.

My DH is like this. He was heavier when we met, skimmed down a bit for our wedding and then, inevitably, put weight back on once we were married, as did I. Like your DP he knows he needs to lose weight but hasn't done anything about it. I think we are going to try and do it together because I could do with shifting some baby weight (2 years on!)

I find that his size affects intimacy a bit as different positions can be tricky. He's heavy when on top and if I'm on top his tummy still gets in the way a bit and makes it uncomfortable. I've gently said that losing weight might help in that area and he's agreed. Maybe you could try that?

Dh has asked what he needs to do to have more sex with me. Ive told him he needs to lose weight as currently having sex with him is quite uncomfortable for me. I could try other positions but tbh I dont want to. A pp mentioned loving someone but not fancying them and thats exactly how I feel.

Would you say he is significantly overweight, that he has really unhealthy eating habits? If that is the case you can bring it up in a caring way.
But.
You are describing an active, happy man who enjoys his food. If he is just a tad overweight ( medically speaking, although personally I take that BMI thing with a pinch of salt), and if he is not just a burgers and fries guy, I think it would be cruel to try and change him.
By all means go on a healthier journey together.
More fruit and veg, less crap, more walks or swimming.

When I lost weight after my DD it was through running.
My DH said he was really attracted by my attitude more than by the more toned figure. He likes the idea of someone who looks after themselves.
Maybe seeing him make that effort would be enough for you, too?
Seeing someone letting themselves go is a bit of a turn-off. But there is a difference between letting yourself go, and enjoying life.

He is lovely Rick. He’s kind, funny, interesting, thoughtful. His kids are young adults whereas mine are still at school, and I also have a very demanding job. So he tends to fit in with my schedule, helps me out with things, does most of the travelling (we live 25 minutes apart) - he’s a really lovely man and I’m lucky to have found him. Mentally we have a connection I’ve never had with anyone else.

And this is why I’m hesitant, because things like this can’t be un-said can they. And I’m scared of losing what we have by upsetting him. I don’t think he’d break up with me, but I think it would make a permanent dent in our relationship.

When we met I was very thin, having been through some stress. I have since gained about a stone too, which I’m not happy about, although I’m still well within the healthy range. I often say I’m trying to lose weight and I feel too big (my “happy” weight is about half a stone less than I am now), and he just laughs because I’m not overweight and he thinks I’m fine. But he doesn’t seem to connect my thoughts about my own weight with my possible thoughts about his. Like I say, he seems oblivious.

I guess, based on other threads, this is why these issues come out in nasty rows. People hold back for too long, for fear of upsetting their partner. Then it all comes out in a fight. We never fight so that’s unlikely, but I’m thinking about it more and more, so maybe I should just bite the bullet.

It’s a minefield.