What to do when partner has gained weight?

[Mintychoc1]

I often read threads about women whose partners stop fancying them as they’ve been gained weight, and usually they are told that their partners are nasty and shallow, and should be dumped. But what is the right way of handling this?

Been with my partner 3.5 years.
He was on the larger side when we met, but I still fancied him, and fell in love with his personality.
He has since gained some weight - probably about a stone - and I am finding myself less attracted to him, to the extent that it’s affecting my enjoyment of sex with him. I still love him and enjoy his company, but physically I’m feeling less attraction.

He knows he’s gained weight, often talks about how he should lose some, but he never does. We don’t live together so our meals are generally separate.

I fear that if I say something, even kindly, it’ll do permanent damage to the relationship, having read the threads on here in which people are devastated by such admissions. But if I say nothing, he will stay as he is, or get even heavier, and I will fancy him even less.

What is the best way to handle this?

I think it's harder if you don't live together, because you can't really do the "I'm going on a health kick, would you like to join me?" thing.

If you do say something, I'd go at it from a health perspective. I think anything that's basically saying "I don't like looking at you naked anymore", could be crippling in terms of future intimacy.

He’s definitely not a burgers and chips slob. He’s vegetarian, eats generally healthy stuff (likes puddings though!), loves walking, cycles everywhere - but likes his food and eats too much of it. He is technically overweight, but only a couple of pounds away from the obese category. So he’s by no means massive, but it’s enough to be a bit of a turn off for me.

Sounds like you are projecting your unhappiness about the stone you have gained onto him. Maybe try to work on that - and how you feel about yourself - before telling him? Because no matter how you phrase it it will hurt & you won't be able to undo it

It sounds as if you and your DP each have a different relationship with your weight. He enjoys life, is active, loves his food (if I’m reading this right), puts weight on and doesn’t shift it easily but doesn’t see it as too much of an issue. You, I’m guessing, are a healthy weight with a great figure but worry when you’ve put a bit on, talk about it a lot and can’t understand why someone else isn’t as worried about their weight as you are about theirs AND yours.

I don’t know the answer to the attractivess issue (so am prob not really answering your Q!) but as an overweight person myself I know I’m not helped by slim people telling me about their struggles with (what I see as) small amounts of weight. I guess I’m suggesting that you try not to let the whole thing become a preoccupation, especially if your relationship is worth the long haul.

Do people actually successfully lose weight after their partner has had a word with them?

Ouch it's a tough one. A couple of pounds away from obese is quite overweight, but on the other hand he is veggie and active so suggesting a healthier lifestyle may not be the answer.
I am a great believer in weight just tells you one part of the story, some people are overweight and healthy.
The only thing he can do is cut down on the puddings or eat smaller portions.
But it is not something I would happily do at someone's request.
I would do it for myself but it would have to come from me.

Could you work out together perhaps? As in go to the gym and tone up specific areas? Or go running? How about a salsa class?

As an overweight person I don’t think there is anything another person can say that would make me try to lose weight. I am not stupid, I know I would be healthier if I lost weight, but like the OP’s DP I enjoy food, I am not depressed, I lead a full and active life & that involves eating nice food.
My DH has never commented on my weight in over 30 years of marriage, he remains fit and a very healthy weight and it doesn’t put him off any physical relationship. .
I honestly don’t know what you could do to ‘encourage’ your DP to lose weight, if my DH made that suggestion to me, however tactfully, I would tell him to jog on.

My partner told me I was too big (I was a 16 then so was definitely overweight) and it really hurt my feelings. It did give me the kick up the backside to start losing weight though which I had kept putting off. It’s always going to hurt and be humiliating when someone you love implies that they don’t find your body attractive. Sometimes it needs to be said though as pussyfooting around the issue won’t help anyone. Try and word it as tactically as you can (easier said than done)

Find some articles about bone density and loss with aging. Tell him you want to have stronger bones.

Ask him to help you by being your weight training partner.

Weight training will change his shape a lot over time.

No hurting anyone's feelings and have a healthy activity to do together.
Crossfit would be good too.

My DH said he was really attracted by my attitude more than by the more toned figure. He likes the idea of someone who looks after themselves.
Maybe seeing him make that effort would be enough for you, too?
Seeing someone letting themselves go is a bit of a turn-off. But there is a difference between letting yourself go, and enjoying life.

Very much this. The fat bit is the end result of seeing someone basically turn into a slob. Which is really unattractive.

Unless it's for medical reasons, I'm fairly harsh against fat people, I'm happy to admit that, because I dont understandbthe total lack of self respect and discipline people have to get themselves into that sort of position.

It's not attractive. At all.

I think if you can already tell it’s starting to affect your attraction to him, you owe it to the two of you to say something. Or it’ll just get worse until you’re past the point of no return and the relationship will be over anyway.

I think it’s common for people to let themselves go in relationships but personally I feel it shows a bit of a lack of respect for your partner unless it’s only a slight change. People are attracted to someone and get together with them, then the other person’s appearance chances drastically and they’re expected to still be as attracted? It’s just not how most people work.

I would just be very direct and say his weight gain is worrying you for his health and also affecting the attraction between you and leave it at that. It’s up to him what he does with that information then. He can choose to lose weight like anyone else or continue as he is but at least you’ve given things a shot.

People know they have put on weight. A few pounds that causes a tighter waistband is probably the extent of self delusion. A stone + is a new size altogether.

People know they are overweight and out if condition. What they don’t know is what other people think of it. The issue isn’t telling someone they are fat. It is saying you are turned off by it sexually or not attracted to that person.

But if you put on weight and your partner shows less interest then that is self evident too.

My partner is obsessed with his weight. It is not a hard leap to know he would be turned off sexually by a supersize me.

That has never stopped me gorging on a family pack of Maltesers or being curvy in a size 12-14 way.

I’ve gained three stone since I met DP. Had two miscarriages at 12 weeks and we now have an eight month old so it’s taken its toll on my body (and mind). Thank chuff DP doesn’t find me less attractive for it! I’d be devastated if he left me purely because I’d gained some timber.

Maybe you don’t love him as much as you thought you did.

Well going by this i should be leaving my husband of 27 years because his medication has made him gain weight.

This thread and the other one has served to remind me why i dont start threads on this board anymore

I don’t think there’s any “should” about it, HelenaDove. Physical attraction isn’t something you can really control. If you’re still attracted to your husband then that’s great, and there’s no issue. OP isn’t, or she’s on the road to losing the attraction, so that’s a major issue that needs resolving before it’s too late if they both want to continue being in a relationship with one another.

Maybe you don’t love him as much as you thought you did.

I know people can be very, very sensitive about their weight, but this kind of comment is sad to read. If OP didn’t love him she wouldn’t have been with him for nearly four years already and considering ways to address a problem in their relationship, she’d just walk away. Sometimes the most loving thing is to have a difficult conversation in order to try and save the relationship, rather than continue on knowing it’s withering and the attraction is dying. Loving someone and being attracted to them isn’t always the same thing. As many, many people know from experience.

DH was steadily gaining weight - I could obviously see this, but it was hard to discuss - what really made the difference was a visit last year to his GP. The doctor told him he needed to lose 30 lbs! It made a big difference hearing it from a professional.

Since then, it's been easier for us to discuss weight and fitness as he understands that it's for health reasons and he has a personal goal. He hasn't lost the full 30 lbs yet, but has lost some weight and is generally more focused on fitness/portion control. Could you suggest your DP goes in for a check-up? It's good to get your blood pressure, etc. checked regularly as you get older anyway.

We've also got the new Fitbits and are v. competitive about our "steps"! I love that the latest ones are waterproof so I can wear it to swim.

Thank you everyone for your input.

My partner already takes medication for blood pressure, and has been advised to lose weight, albeit not especially “forcefully”. He’s never smoked and his cholesterol is low, so his risk is lower than it could be. He knows all the facts I think, but, like many of us, finds it very hard to translate that into daily lifestyle/diet changes.

Believe me, if I could still find him as attractive at his current weight, then I would. I love him, he’s just a great person, and it’s upsetting me that I’m not as physically attracted to him as I used to be.

I think it might be slightly different if it was a physical change due to a medical problem, because I would know it was beyond his control. But I think it’s the combination of looking less appealing, as well as the lack of will power to change it, that is becoming off-putting.

Anyway I’ll leave it a bit longer I think, before I say anything, but I’ll work harder on losing my own half stone in the hope of motivating him.

Hope it goes well, it’s a tricky situation to be in.

Op I get where you're coming from. We haven't been together as long as you but My DP is really overweight and has been saying all year that he wants to lose weight.

But he doesn't do anything about it

It's also really affecting our sex life. I have bad hips and a bad back. Trying to straddle a man Mountain is difficult and painful

Do people actually successfully lose weight after their partner has had a word with them?

My wife had a different approach. She bought me several pairs of new trousers that were 2" too small.

They fit now.