Should I carry on with my divorce?

[inaheadspin]

I'm in a bit of a state and I'm starting to feel like I don't even know what I think so I really wanted to ask for some support/advice. I don't want to talk about it with the people I know in RL yet because they will be more biased and will tell me I've lost the plot.

To give a bit of background - Was with STBXH for 4 years, married for 2 and then I filed for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. I found him moody, unsupportive, blowing hot and cold, critical, he made a huge issue of things like the fact I'd had a couple of previous relationships (even though he had), he was horribly messy and I couldn't stand the state of our home. I developed such bad anxiety that I had a nervous breakdown and had a lot of therapy for it and I'm a lot better with all that now. He got quite nasty during the divorce, making some crazy allegations, contacting my ex who he knew was trouble and he was repeatedly asking me for money through lawyers (even though he works.) The divorce still hasn't been finished off. We've been separated for 2 years.

I met up with him to discuss it and he seemed very emotional. I hadn't seen him in 2 years. He said he was very depressed during the marriage and felt like he wasn't good enough for me. I feel like he's seen where I was coming from with everything. He asked me what I wanted to do about the divorce and I went to pieces. He said something about we could remain married and live separately if I wanted and that it was all up to me and what I wanted. I said that was a conversation I was too upset to have right now and that I'd prefer to talk about it on another occasion.

I'm completely headfucked right now. I think about the things he did that upset me and look back at the list I wrote, then I think about the person I've been talking to and it's like they're two different people. Maybe he was depressed and things could be different? Maybe if we lived separately it would be different? Or is he just playing me somehow? I think his emotion is genuine, but he could still have an ulterior motive. I feel sick, I can't eat or sleep. I so desperately want the person I fell in love with back but I don't know if I'm just being stupid.

I would really appreciate it if anyone could give me their opinion. I feel like I'm going to burst into tears all the time and am really overwhelmed.

Wouldn't living separately but still being married just leave you in limbo? Unable to move forward. You've not seen him in two years, it must be over, surely. I'd continue with the divorce. It doesn't mean you can't be friends.

He could be playing you for some reason (financial gain etc) or he could be completely genuine in what he says. If he's playing you, then obviously continue with the divorce.

If he's not playing you then IMO you should still go ahead with the divorce, for a number of reasons. He's been nasty to you in the past for whatever reason, you think he might have been depressed, you can't be sure that he will keep a positive mental state for the rest of your lives and you know that it will get nasty if his mental health declines again. I'm messy, I try quite hard to keep it under control but it's inherent in my personality. I could never live with someone who requires a very tidy home, and neither could he, no matter how hard he tries. Being married and living separately would just prevent you from moving on and finding the right person for you (assuming that's what you want). It does work for some people, but very few, and it seems like a limbo to me, neither really in a relationship nor really single.

Did you two have "the talk" or any kind of discussion when you left? Or did you cut each other off immediately without discussing where things went wrong?

Have you had a relationship since? Has he?

Lastly, what would be his ulterior motives be?

I actually like the idea of living separately from someone, I know it might sound strange to some people but I've been thinking for a long time that if I were with someone, that's what I'd prefer to do.

The thing I don't know if I can get past (most of all) is that he was asking for a lot of money for rent and then a big payout in the divorce, that could have been his anger and upset talking. There was no reason to ask for money, other than to try his luck I suppose, which is what's worrying me about if I give things another chance.

I do still love him, despite everything I can't help it. The therapist I saw described everything I listed that he'd done and said as emotional abuse, but I can't help but wonder if he understands what went wrong, then maybe he could change. He never listened when we were together and I feel like it's taken for me to file for divorce and us to part ways for him to see it.

@RLEOM We didn't talk at the end, I had a nervous breakdown and went into hospital and we didn't see each other again. I'd tried to tell him on many occasions why I felt things weren't working but he stonewalled me and refused to engage and talk.

He's had a relationship/s since we split, I haven't.

Continue on with the divorce. You had good reason to leave and I doubt he'll have changed all that much in 2 years. You are probably remembering a few of the better times you spent with him but these can not over ride the bad times and the way he treated you. Don't be blind sided now and continue any necessary communication through your solicitor from now on.

Oh come on. He's had a relationship since you've split. He's asking for a lot of money. Things were so bad that you had a breakdown.

File for divorce. Put this nasty piece of work behind you.

I actually like the idea of living separately from someone

While I totally understand where you're coming from with this, I don't think this will save your marriage.

You said your counsellor said he was emotionally abusive. I think he's still manipulating you now, which is why you're feeling guilty.

I can't help but wonder if he understands what went wrong, then maybe he could change

NO. he won't change. Why would he? If he gets you back, it's like giving him permission to carry on exactly as he did before.

Please carry on with your divorce so that you can put it behind you and move on with your life. Being depressed is no excuse for emotionally abusing someone. He has shown you who he is.

Get divorced anyway. Be boyfriend and girlfriend if you really must and go on dates etc.

Get divorced. Have you done the freedom programme? He sounds abusive to me and I don't think depression is an excuse to be horrible to somebody.

@HollowTalk - thank you for replying, I can see your point. I just wondered though - what do you think is important about the fact he's had a relationship since?

I suppose what I'm really asking is what is he trying to do and what does he want? Is it just that he wants to be with me and he's seen the error of his ways, or am I being played and to what end if he doesn't seem to be trying to move back in with me? I know nobody can read his mind to answer that, but from what I've said, does anyone have any idea what is going on? I'm really struggling to process it all and maybe I'm not seeing it for what it is.

He's trying to unnerve you. Whatever ideas you or he may have for the future, put it to one side and follow through with your divorce. How he reacts to that will tell you all you need to know. If you want to have a relationship after that is up to you but end the marriage otherwise it will just be hanging over you.

After being in a similar situation myself, I want you to think about is how he would be if you had another breakdown.

Did he cause the breakdown? Did he try to speak to you about it after, to fight for you?

The way I see it, you two could try again (If he's being genuine) and discuss strategies to help you in future, and for you to recognise when he is depressed. And if it repeats itself, leave for good. Or you can recognise that he hasn't and can't support you in the future and that you deserve better. Either way could work.

I had a breakdown after having our baby and I left - he never spoke to me again other than about our child. He's now dating his female best friend. Could I get back with a man who abandoned me when I needed him the most? I doubt it.

Just think carefully instead of going with what your heart wants.

From my own experience, my STBXH doesn't want to get divorced because I used to be his lifeline, paying the bills, sorting the children, being the responsible adult and all that. Even though he claims it's due to undying love (eyeroll) but I can see through his bullshit.

Is it in any way more convenient for your STBXH to be married to you than not?

Is he on anti depressants or getting any therapy now? If he is getting help and following treatment plans, it ok to postpone it a while. Actions speak louder than words. If and only if he is getting real help I would consider dating him again.

Its ok delay, after dating you might decide to make it work. Or make a final decision to close this chapter of your life. Just remember that he didn't play very nice after this attempt, he is likely to repeat history again and make it even harder as possible to divorce after getting hope.

He has probably realised he had it good when he was with you and if he plays his cards right he can get you back. The not living together is just a temporary thing to hook you in, I'd imagine.

But none of that actually matters. What matters is you and your happiness and well being. Does he add anything to your life? Did he add anything to your life? Has he made the divorce easier on you? Did he apologise to you yesterday for putting toy through so much shit and hurting you? What does he see is wrong with his behaviour? Is this new idea of not getting divorced all about him or all about you? What has he done to address his mental health? Can he see that blowing hot and cold is wrong, cruel and unnecessary? Why did he do it? What was he critical about that he longer sees as something to criticise you for? What made him think it was ok to criticise you? In what way has he shown he has changed?

I wouldn't go near him with a barge pole.

@RLEOM - when he was asked to leave he seemed very annoyed, then nothing except the hostility that came via his solicitor. He didn't try to do anything really, we exchanged a few messages where he was basically saying he didn't get it and I kept reiterating what the problem was.

I just don't know what to think, my breakdown was caused by his behaviour so what would matter is whether his behaviour has changed.

We didn't go into much of a discussion about what went wrong and why, it was more general chit chat and then at the end he asked what I wanted to do.

The only thing I see he could stand to gain by prolonging things and "getting back together" is possibly more money in the form of a settlement. I think his emotion now is genuine but the way he was pushing so much for money (that he had not actual reason to need or ask for) through the divorce proceedings is what's making me so worried now about whether he has an ulterior motive.

I'd be willing to at least hear what he has to say about why he thinks things went wrong, about him being depressed and what he's done to address it and why he thinks things would be different now, but I want to feel sure there isn't an ulterior motive.

A PP seemed to think it was important that he'd had a relationship in the meantime. (My hairdresser saw them in a restaurant and on another date a different time) I didn't actually think it mattered insofar as I would expect someone to have tried to move on, it's maybe more unusual that I haven't (because I haven't really felt like it and I've been enjoying the freedom of being on my own). I do think that he's someone who doesn't like to be on his own so it could just be that he's lonely and I seem like a good option right now.

@Apileofballyhoo actually he didn't apologise about anything or actually admit any fault. But we didn't really get into discussing it, it was more nice chit chat and then I made an absolute fool out of myself crying my eyes out in a cafe when he started talking about the divorce.

If you were only married (before separating) for 2 years then the finances tend to be 'whatever you brought to the marriage'.

The longer you stay married the closer that financial split becomes 50/50.

Who brought the greatest financial contribution OP? And how would that affect each of you if it shifted to 50/50?

If he really is a changed man and willing to try again, that could still happen, even if divorced. You would then be sure that his intentions were true and the divorce wouldn’t make any difference. If he goes off on one when you say want to continue with the divorce, then you have your answer.

However, based solely on what you have said, I personally think you would be mad to try again.

He sounds like an arse, but if you carry on with the divorce you can still keep seeing him. You can try dating again. Hells, you can even re-marry him if he's changed. What will you lose?

'Words' have no real currency. Love is as love does and have you not seen enough? People really don't change that much - they really don't. They think they can when they are in a tight spot, they may even want to, but once everything settles then the default behaviour (how they really are) will start to creep back in - by then you will be doubly in a ditch.

It’s all about him.
PLEASE, PLEASE put yourself first. Someone who can undermine your health is NOT worth giving another chance.
If you are still having therapy, why not discuss this with them?
I think the reason you don’t want to discuss this IRL is because you already know the answer!
Please take care of yourself

What @user1486131602 said. Your mental health is SO important. If he caused it, he'll probably cause it again. Is it worth it?

He might be being genuine, he might not. Even if you do want to get back with him, I'd still tell him that you're still going ahead with the divorce - you might find that he changes his tune!