Should I carry on with my divorce?

[inaheadspin]

I'm in a bit of a state and I'm starting to feel like I don't even know what I think so I really wanted to ask for some support/advice. I don't want to talk about it with the people I know in RL yet because they will be more biased and will tell me I've lost the plot.

To give a bit of background - Was with STBXH for 4 years, married for 2 and then I filed for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. I found him moody, unsupportive, blowing hot and cold, critical, he made a huge issue of things like the fact I'd had a couple of previous relationships (even though he had), he was horribly messy and I couldn't stand the state of our home. I developed such bad anxiety that I had a nervous breakdown and had a lot of therapy for it and I'm a lot better with all that now. He got quite nasty during the divorce, making some crazy allegations, contacting my ex who he knew was trouble and he was repeatedly asking me for money through lawyers (even though he works.) The divorce still hasn't been finished off. We've been separated for 2 years.

I met up with him to discuss it and he seemed very emotional. I hadn't seen him in 2 years. He said he was very depressed during the marriage and felt like he wasn't good enough for me. I feel like he's seen where I was coming from with everything. He asked me what I wanted to do about the divorce and I went to pieces. He said something about we could remain married and live separately if I wanted and that it was all up to me and what I wanted. I said that was a conversation I was too upset to have right now and that I'd prefer to talk about it on another occasion.

I'm completely headfucked right now. I think about the things he did that upset me and look back at the list I wrote, then I think about the person I've been talking to and it's like they're two different people. Maybe he was depressed and things could be different? Maybe if we lived separately it would be different? Or is he just playing me somehow? I think his emotion is genuine, but he could still have an ulterior motive. I feel sick, I can't eat or sleep. I so desperately want the person I fell in love with back but I don't know if I'm just being stupid.

I would really appreciate it if anyone could give me their opinion. I feel like I'm going to burst into tears all the time and am really overwhelmed.

Give your head a wobble.
His behaviour drive you to a nervous breakdown
He has told you he was depressed.
You are not a match.

This honestly sounds like every conversation I had with friends when I was 15. Does he love me? Should we get back together? If he loves me why did he kiss x at that party? And so on.

Good people do not behave like your ex. They don't. People who genuinely love you don't mess with your head in the way he did and Is Still Doing.

Self indulgent, self centred people do. They spin out lines like 'we could just stay married' because they don't really care how much it messes you up.

Good people don't just say 'oh I was depressed' which in this circumstance is code for 'I should not be held responsible for my actions'.

I suspect the main reason you cannot talk to people in RL is because they are sick of hearing about you wasting life and energy in this idiot.

I'm sorry if that all sounds harsh but you honestly sound like you're just letting him send you back into a breakdown by indulging his crap.

How about this for a compromise? Divorce him but then date him if you want to.

He almost certainly is working off an alterior motive like an inheritance you might get down the line or something but if you are divorced from the bugger and never re-marry, any relationship with him is for that and that alone isn't it? Divorce him for a million of your very good reasons but the most important reason is it will take away doubt.

Having said that he sounds so wrong for you anyway that once you are divorced you can date loads of other normal men and you will see that you are being manipulated by him completely. Get him out of your life entirely is my advice. He is a naturally destructive person. One day you will see this.

Op, he was emotionally abusive to the point of making you have a breakdown during the marriage. He's continued to be horrible in the interim. Now one conversation and you're back to confusion and mindfuckery.

It boils down to he doesn't want the divorce because control, because emotional abuse. Nobody does sad and pity-party better than an emotional abuser.

Get divorced. Cut him out of your life. Move on.

Definitely divorce him. I strongly suspect he’s after money or something else for himself.Please put yourself first and stop wondering what is happening in his mind.Enjoy your freedom from the man who made you ill and didn’t support you

Also, I bet if you look back at the conversation with an objective eye, it mostly revolved around his emotions.

Talk is cheap. Look at his past behaviour.

Keep on with the divorce. You've been building yourself back up and he has managed to wreck your head and disturb your emotions again. He doesn't give a shit about the real you. He doesn't care what you've been through. He's not sorry and he had no intention of changing. He doesn't even see that he did anything wrong. You'd be crazy to consider getting back together with him.

I'm sure he has some angle - but it's beyond me as to why any person wants to abuse another so I don't know why he behaves the way he does, and you will be driven mad trying to understand somebody who isn't normal. He is not normal.

You'd be far better off trying to understand why you can't see that you deserve much more better than this.

*much, much!

What does he stand to lose if you divorce?

Is it a straight split or if he worse off?

Judge people by what they do, not what they say. Talk is cheap.

You've nearly escaped please dont fall back down that rabbit hole

The real man is the person who you married not the man in the early days.

This is why leaving an abuser is so difficult as we have alll had the golden period where we fell in love. However that was likely to be a mask and the abusive, angry & messy man is reality.

I struggle to believe that Ex was with me for what he could get financially but I believe it was the case. He has moved on to a wealthier woman and is now love bombing her. I know the end of the story, she doesn't.

There are highly manipulative and damaged people in the world and they don't come with a label. You have to look at their behaviour and past actions, not words.

Why would you consider a 2nd chance to someone who caused you such mental anguish? Do you know you are worth much, much more than that?

PS I suspect he wants a claim on your money, he tried bully tactics and now he is trying charm. If you don't divorce his chance of a legal claim increases.

Is it just that he wants to be with me and he's seen the error of his ways
When faced with an ultimatum/divorce, genuine people will do everything they can to make changes and prove that they can maintain those changes.

This guy still can't admit his faults or abusive behaviour - even 2 years later!
The only thing he's been 'passionate' about is the money - and moving onto other women.

You were with him for 4 years and he managed to give you a nervous breakdown!

He's not changed - he's just giving you empty words and manipulating you again.