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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Did I behave badly here?

53 replies

FeelingLowToday1 · 01/07/2019 14:36

NC for this. Was going to join the dating thread on here but think this warrants it’s own thread as it’s quite long.

I have been dating a man for about 9 weeks now and fear I may have been lovebombed. He was very smooth initially and was telling me everything I wanted to hear such as wanting to settle down, how he thought I was amazing and how he hadn’t felt like this about anyone in a very long time. After about three weeks I became aware that he had quite extreme mood swings and he became cold towards me - I should have walked at this point but he gave me a story about how he was struggling with life in general but that he did really like me etc

Fast forward to the weekend just passed. He invited me to his house on Saturday and said he had planned a picnic for us which I was looking forward to. When I arrrived at his house he opened the door and didn’t say hello, he just let me in and walked off to the kitchen. I followed him, tried to make small talk etc but he was ignoring me. Whenever I said anything he would just make a face at me or grunt a response. He then got together the bits for the picnic and told me to get in the car. At this point I was starting to feel quite irritated; I asked him if he was ok and he said he was fine. As we were driving to the picnic spot he refused to talk. At this point I thought fuck this and told him that I’d rather go home if he was going to ignore me all day.

He then turned to me and told me I was a fucking joke and that I was behaving like a child. He said he was in a bad mood and that I needed to deal with it. The thing that really hurt was that he said he could see why I was single as I am a pain in the arse and that I behave like a juvenile. He actually said “ are you going to behave yourself now or are you going to continue being like a toddler in public? I know a lot of people round here and don’t want you to embarrass me.”

I was so shocked I didn’t reply and instead we carried on with the afternoon, with me trying like a fool to behave nicely and normally. This wasn’t the first time he had behaved like this towards me; there was another occasion prior to this where he was in a foul mood but I sucked it up and stupidly tried to be the ‘cool girl’ by letting it go.

I ended up spending the rest of this weekend with him and his mood improved by Saturday night but his outburst Really upset me. I dumped him last night and he said the reason he’s been in a bad mood so often is because he found out recently his ex (the love of his life as he told
Me) had got married and it had messed with his head. He even had the audacity to say I should have supported him instead of dumping him when he’s going through a bad patch Shock

Was I in the wrong for calling him out on his bad mood? The comments about me being childish and how he can see why I’m still single have really stung.

OP posts:
bloodywhitecat · 01/07/2019 14:40

Run for the hills, he's an arse and you are well shot.

bloodywhitecat · 01/07/2019 14:40

There was only one person behaving in a childish way and it wasn't you.

FeelingLowToday1 · 01/07/2019 14:41

Thank you. I think his personal attack on me has just really got in my head and he really made me feel like this was all my fault

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 01/07/2019 14:42

The only time you were being unreasonable was when you actually stayed with him for the whole weekend after he spoke to you the way he did the day of the picnic. Block him and be glad his true colours showed before he'd really done a manipulation number on you

Bob5 · 01/07/2019 14:43

You must know the answer - you were perfectly right! Run for the hills with this one

Igotmylipstickon · 01/07/2019 14:45

You absolutely did the right thing. Just because someone (no matter who they are) is in a foul mood, it doesn't give them the right to be downright nasty to you. He could have moods for all sorts of different reasons in the future and his behaviour will probably get worse. You did the right thing. x

IsolaPribby · 01/07/2019 14:45

Don't overthink any further. Just be glad you ended it, and move on. He is not worth the angst.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 01/07/2019 14:46

Keep him dumped. What an arse!

TulipsTulipsTulips · 01/07/2019 14:47

You were completely reasonable! As others have said, run for the hills, keep far far away from this man and don't let him into your life. He sounds manipulative, cruel and destructive.

FeelingLowToday1 · 01/07/2019 14:54

Thanks everyone. I think the thing that threw me
Is the complete 180 he did from being seemingly smitten to the bad moods, hot and cold etc.

Posting here has given me the boost I need to dust myself off and put him out of my
Mind.

OP posts:
sneakypinky · 01/07/2019 14:55

Fuck that.

readitandwept · 01/07/2019 14:56

The only thing you did wrong was continue on with the day. I was so relieved to see you dumped him after that.

No you can can see why he's still single. He's an awful human being!

AzraiL · 01/07/2019 14:58

You absolutely did the right thing. It's not your job to 'help' him get over the marriage of his ex wife. He should have processed the end of that relationship before he dipped his toes in the dating pool again. His issues and his bad moods are his problem, not yours. It's up to him to get his shit together, and if it's not together he has no business trying to woo you. You deserve the complete package, not a work in progress!

You dodged a bullet here. His remarks were aimed to make you doubt yourself so that you could be manipulated more easily. I'm glad you saw the red flags early!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/07/2019 15:01

Jesus, lucky escape. Run for the bloody hills!

So glad to hear you've dumped him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/07/2019 15:01

Thank goodness you dumped him. Lucky escape.

Emerald46 · 01/07/2019 15:02

Good grief, he sounds awful. I was so relieved to get to the bit where you said you'd ended it. Much better to end it now than to put up with that and gradually alter your personality in a bid to keep the peace. You behaved perfectly. Don't give him a second thought - he's got issues, that's for him to sort out.

FinallyHere · 01/07/2019 15:03

He does sound awful.

Communications skills not up to par

Well done for dumping.

Moralitym1n1 · 01/07/2019 15:07

Was I in the wrong for calling him out on his bad mood?

No, you're not his emotional punchbag. Noone is.

The comments about me being childish and how he can see why I’m still single have really stung.

I've had similar. It's a sign they're a grade A* bastard and not just a bastard.

In my case it was "no wonder you're a spinster" (spinster was his favourite word, he used it more than the victorians used it); well I'm married with a child now and he appears to still be single, years later (or if he isn't I don't envy whoever's with him).

Moralitym1n1 · 01/07/2019 15:10

But even if I wasn't it wouldn't make him right, and or any less of a dickhead.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 01/07/2019 15:10

Wow. What an absolute arse. Nobody has the right to be that much of a tosser to somebody else. Well done for getting shot op

Whathappenedtooursummer · 01/07/2019 15:12

What a complete twunt.. Did he think you were his therapist?

Moralitym1n1 · 01/07/2019 15:13

Also you have to laugh at him expecting you to tolerate his shitty mood at all; but the fact that he attributed to still being hung up on an ex partner who he still has feelings for!!! I mean .... Wtf. Anyone that stupid/insensitive doesn't deserve your time anyway.

'Fk you for not putting up with my shot mood because i think I'm still in love with someone else; while we're supposed to be getting to know each other for a potential loving, romantic etc relationship".

Moralitym1n1 · 01/07/2019 15:14

*shit

KatherineJaneway · 01/07/2019 15:14

You did the right thing. What a right arsehole.

Maybe next time he puts his dating profile out there, he needs to add having ESP to the list of what he is looking for.

FeelingLowToday1 · 01/07/2019 15:16

@whathappenedtooursummer I think you could be onto something there. Everyday he would moan about something or other. Like someone had sent him a shitty email at work and he’d be fuming about it or he’d put on a bit of weight and instead of doing something about it he’d just rant to me. It was draining.

OP posts: