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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Did I behave badly here?

53 replies

FeelingLowToday1 · 01/07/2019 14:36

NC for this. Was going to join the dating thread on here but think this warrants it’s own thread as it’s quite long.

I have been dating a man for about 9 weeks now and fear I may have been lovebombed. He was very smooth initially and was telling me everything I wanted to hear such as wanting to settle down, how he thought I was amazing and how he hadn’t felt like this about anyone in a very long time. After about three weeks I became aware that he had quite extreme mood swings and he became cold towards me - I should have walked at this point but he gave me a story about how he was struggling with life in general but that he did really like me etc

Fast forward to the weekend just passed. He invited me to his house on Saturday and said he had planned a picnic for us which I was looking forward to. When I arrrived at his house he opened the door and didn’t say hello, he just let me in and walked off to the kitchen. I followed him, tried to make small talk etc but he was ignoring me. Whenever I said anything he would just make a face at me or grunt a response. He then got together the bits for the picnic and told me to get in the car. At this point I was starting to feel quite irritated; I asked him if he was ok and he said he was fine. As we were driving to the picnic spot he refused to talk. At this point I thought fuck this and told him that I’d rather go home if he was going to ignore me all day.

He then turned to me and told me I was a fucking joke and that I was behaving like a child. He said he was in a bad mood and that I needed to deal with it. The thing that really hurt was that he said he could see why I was single as I am a pain in the arse and that I behave like a juvenile. He actually said “ are you going to behave yourself now or are you going to continue being like a toddler in public? I know a lot of people round here and don’t want you to embarrass me.”

I was so shocked I didn’t reply and instead we carried on with the afternoon, with me trying like a fool to behave nicely and normally. This wasn’t the first time he had behaved like this towards me; there was another occasion prior to this where he was in a foul mood but I sucked it up and stupidly tried to be the ‘cool girl’ by letting it go.

I ended up spending the rest of this weekend with him and his mood improved by Saturday night but his outburst Really upset me. I dumped him last night and he said the reason he’s been in a bad mood so often is because he found out recently his ex (the love of his life as he told
Me) had got married and it had messed with his head. He even had the audacity to say I should have supported him instead of dumping him when he’s going through a bad patch Shock

Was I in the wrong for calling him out on his bad mood? The comments about me being childish and how he can see why I’m still single have really stung.

OP posts:
Bunnyfuller · 01/07/2019 15:16

If he’s like that after 9 weeks, imagine 9 months, 9 years! Good call, you. Can see why his ex dumped him!

Apileofballyhoo · 01/07/2019 15:17

You're lucky he made his abusive nature so obvious so early on.

fakeniceperson · 01/07/2019 15:18

You shouldn't have even gone on the picnic if he couldn't even muster up the energy to speak to you when you arrived at his house.

Please ignore his comment; it's not your job to fix him or pander to his moods. Lucky escape. Good luck with the next one! It's really not you so try not to dwell on it anymore.

MrsSpenserGregson · 01/07/2019 15:18

What an arsehole. His attack on you was disgusting - he was trying to make you feel bad in order to make himself feel better. Only utter arseholes do this. You did absolutely the right thing in dumping him.

I hope you did it loudly and publicly!

Twat. (Him, not you).

PurpleWithRed · 01/07/2019 15:19

Brilliant call FeelingLow, you did the right thing. it's very pleasing to post congratulations rather than having to try to convince someone that their 'lovely' DP is a complete arsehole.

I think you deserve Glitterball

supercali77 · 01/07/2019 15:20

@ FeelingLowToday1 you gave him a couple of chances with his shitey behaviour and then you walked. Take a look in the mirror and tell yourself what a class act you are.

Chocolate123 · 01/07/2019 15:21

Run for the hills and block him

FeelingLowToday1 · 01/07/2019 15:22

@supercalli77 thank you, I appreciate that Flowers

OP posts:
Leakinglikeacolander · 01/07/2019 15:23

I let out an audible YAY when I read your dumped him.
Keep him dumped and don't give it another thought.

Sparkletastic · 01/07/2019 15:24

God well done you for dumping him. I can see why his ex did the same.

peardrops1 · 01/07/2019 15:25

What an absolute creep!!! Well done for dumping him.

HappyNOTdriving · 01/07/2019 15:29

The only thing you did "wrong" in my opinion is not immediately getting out the car and going home when he chose to treat you like crap! But that was your decision to make and there's no judgment from me!

You absolutely deserve better than this at any time but he couldn't even control himself in the first 9weeks! That says volumes to me.

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 01/07/2019 15:30

My god, what a complete knob. You're well rid.

SuntanC · 01/07/2019 15:43

I'm so happy to read that you got shot of him! His behaviour sounds a carbon copy of a nightmare ex of mine. You have done what I wish I had done back then! Hurrah! Grin

Lindy2 · 01/07/2019 15:50

You've only known him 9 weeks and several times he has behaved appallingly towards you. He is absolutely not worth any time or bother.
Well done for dumping him. Please make sure it stays that way.

Honeyroar · 01/07/2019 16:00

He's really lucky you put up with him for the weekend (and didn't murder him!). Most people would have dumped him before you even went on the picnic. And he had the nerve to call you childish!! Go buy yourself a bottle of champagne and celebrate swerving a real dodgy one there!

FeelingLowToday1 · 01/07/2019 16:08

I’ve blocked him on my phone and social media - Is that a bit
OTT for only 9 weeks of dating? Just don’t want him to reach out and I get sucked back in somehow.

OP posts:
RoryGillmoresEvilTwin · 01/07/2019 16:09

RUN FOREST! 🏃‍♀️

Good job op. He sounds like hard work!

readitandwept · 01/07/2019 16:09

No, it's your phone and your social media. You block who you want, when you want. And with particularly good reason in this case!

picklemepopcorn · 01/07/2019 16:12

Good job- he was unreasonable, expecting you to read his mind, then blaming you. I'm glad you've blocked him- he's the kind that could grovel to get you back then do the whole thing again.

If he was in a rotten mood because of ex, he could have said 'sorry, I'm in a rotten mood and will be rubbish company. Can you put up with me, or shall we do this another day when I've got a grip?'.

His behaviour is really horrible, don't doubt yourself for a moment!

SummerCharl · 01/07/2019 16:15

Good for you for dumping and blocking. I'd say certainly blocking is the best option so you never have to hear his whiney, twattish, abusive voice again. Grim.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 01/07/2019 16:19

Congratulations, award yourself 10 out of 10 for:

  • red flag spotting
  • self esteem
  • valuing your own time
  • valuing your own mental health

There are lovely guys out there, I promise!

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 01/07/2019 16:45

OP, he's a narcissist and what you got to see was his mask coming off and his narcissistic rage (getting annoyed over trivial things). Its never a pretty sight.

Ignoring you at the door was to show you how insignificant you are to him (devalue you). He love bombed you in the beginning by saying he loved you, wanted a family etc. and instead of apologising, he showed complete lack of empathy by expecting you to be understanding about his ex getting married (so he threw abit of triangulation in there too)

Well done for getting rid of this creep and thank your lucky stars he couldn't keep the nice guy act up for more than a few weeks (most narcs keep it up for mich longer which is why some poor women have children with these dickheads).

It's not OTT to block him, its essential that you do. Most narcs will try to Hoover you after a breakup, even several months later and the best way to prevent that is to block and delete on everything. These men are highly manipulative and will say anything to get what they want (they've changed, they're sorry)

He might end up stalking you (two of my ex narcs harassed me for months after ending things) so the safest thing to do is block and never look back.

You may want to read up on narcissistic abuse so you can spot the signs much earlier next time because once you've dated one, you'll see the pattern and recognise it much sooner.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 01/07/2019 16:56

Oh and dont take his comments about 'no wonder you are single to heart'. It's the classic narcissist script and I've heard it from several of my ex narcs. They have to put other people down because they are so full of jealousy and self hatred. It just shows he was jealous of you, he knew you were better than him and he was projecting all of his insecurities onto you.

I wish I knew that years ago because I used to take the things these dickheads say to heart and it ruined my self esteem. I can actually laugh about it now though because they are such pathetic creatures and it's all abit sad really.

I also used to think everything was my fault (they make sure you feel responsible for their actions) and questioned whether I was overreacting (like you are asking too) and trying to be the breezy cool GF.

That ick feeling you had when he was being extremely rude when he opened the door was your gut telling you this man was disrespectful and you need to get out. Remember that feeling and always listen to it when you get it again. Dont doubt it or question it as it is never wrong

Nonstopbuttmachine · 01/07/2019 17:26

Oh he sounds like an ex of mine. He would seethe about things (with this horrible undercurrent of hatred) but not tell me why at the time. A week later he'd explain my 'crimes' - the best one was I didn't tell him he looked nice on a night out Confused after he'd spent two hours preening himself I'll never forget the look of rage on his face when he told me that.

Well done for dumping the little prick OP 👍

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