Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't fancy my husband help!

38 replies

Sisterhood1 · 01/07/2019 11:09

Hi all

My husband is wonderful; handsome, strong, dependable, mature, lovely father. He has ME, painful back injury and PTSD. We have 2 boys at 9 and 3yrs. We haven't had sex since trying for youngest boy 4yrs ago! It's me - I have been turning him down all that time... Difficult pregnancy, damage from quick birth and big baby, breastfeeding, baby in our room for 18m, I had a full-on mental breakdown around my return to work time, then just busy, busy, knackered, feeling fat etc etc... and more recently, not coping with the pressure of his PTSD and how much he is depending on me - I have been his emotional crutch (like he was for me, except he was strong and dependable when it was me!)...

So, I had horrendous stress and pressure around 4 weeks ago... like so much going on and so many balls in the air. A gorgeous man messaged me on Twitter and the Insta (he lives abroad so we are extremely unlikely to ever meet...) and we have been chatting and sexting. The awful thing is, desiring another man like this and him having that kind of desire for me has made me realise my reasons for not having sex with my husband have changed - I have started fancying other men in the real world (won't go there!) - so, it's no longer about how I feel about my post-natal/post-bf body, no longer about my libido affected by my depression and stress etc... I don't fancy him anymore...

Even though he is so wonderful and so poorly and does not deserve any hurt, I told him how I was unsure of my sexual / romantic feelings towards him because I think I can't actually force myself to feel a certain way and it's fairer to him to know the truth even though it's f ing horrible. He says he has not desired another woman for our whole marriage, he says I'm his 'everything' and he adores me... I feel so horrendous, like I'm going to ruin his future happiness and mine and the children's, and my parents his parents... if I don't get this sorted, but I don't have it in me to pretend things are ok when they're not...

We are not getting any younger, I don't think there is another man out there as wonderful as him... If I ever got into another long-term relationship, would I just end up getting bored or whatever it is, and do the same thing again...??!

I've read online that this feeling in a long relationship is really common. I've read that it's always better to be honest, even 'though it's a horrible thing to say to someone, otherwise the relationship is more likely to be unsalvageable ... So it's out in the open. I feel truly, truly HORRENDOUS but I don't think I'm going to get those feelings back... and it will all be my fault!

Your thoughts please... Be honest! It would be so good to hear different men's and women's perspectives

Tia xx

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 01/07/2019 11:11

Can you access some relationship counselling?

Original poster
Sisterhood1 · 01/07/2019 11:16

I don't know if it makes any difference to anyone's thoughts on this but I'm 37, he is 44 and we have been married for 13yrs, together for 14 x

OP posts:
Kittykat93 · 01/07/2019 11:57

You need to stop 'sexting' this man. Either decide to end your marriage or work on it, but don't go down the route of starting an affair, it will never end well.

Original poster
Sisterhood1 · 01/07/2019 12:09

With his PTSD and other problems, he is having a lot of therapy atm... But yes, in time when that side of things has settled. Ty

OP posts:
Original poster
Sisterhood1 · 01/07/2019 12:09

Yep, agreed. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Sisterhood1 · 01/07/2019 12:14

I've never posted here before - how do you tag someone that you are replying directly to?

OP posts:
MoB83 · 01/07/2019 12:36

I'm in a similar situation... Been with my husband 15 years, married for 4. Not had sex or even kissed in over a year and prior to that I can count on one hand the number of times we've had sex since being married. We have 2 children together. I don't fancy him at all but I do care about him and I don't want to hurt him. But at the same time I feel I'm letting my own life pass me by for the sake of how everyone else will feel if we split.
I've chatted to other men over the years and have had a few relationships outside of my marriage which have helped distract me from the problem, but as soon as they end my marriage problems seem worse and I resent my husband for holding me back.
I have a decent job and I earn more than him now which I dont think helps matters. We have very different interests and I think we have grown apart over the last 10 years. For me, I don't think counseling will help us as I can't see after all this time that those 'love' feelings will come back.
I think it would be wise for you to stop contact with this other man and try and figure out if your marriage is salvageable. Counseling might be worth looking into, a friend of mine said it doesn't mean you have to stay together but it may help you to separate more amicably by exploring your feelings.
Sorry for the long reply lol and good luck xx

Original poster
Sisterhood1 · 01/07/2019 13:08

I don't know if this is how you tag / reply MoB83 yes the lil online affair is making me feel worse and more conflicted, so that has to go...

Not at all, I appreciate your longer reply. This is soooooo difficult. Please stay in touch to say how it goes for you.

And it's helpful to know that someone out there has strayed and got away with it but that it hasn't actually helped.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sisterhood1 · 01/07/2019 13:21

MoB83 again, can't tag!

Have you spoken to your husband about your feelings? It could be a really healing conversation to have...

Even 'though I feel truly horrific today, I think it still feels better and more constructive to have spoken about it than carried on burying my head in the sand would have done... But yeah, noooot easy!

Ugh. Hard times xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Sisterhood1 · 01/07/2019 13:22

Oh yeah, and I agree with your friend re: counselling being helpful whatever the outcome, that makes sense xx

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 01/07/2019 13:42

It all starts in the mind and if it isn't there, you can't force it.
Be as gentle, kind and loving with your husband as you can, it doesn't have to lead to full sex but he will appreciate it - and do talk, honest communication is vital.

You cannot help how you feel but you will feel differently in time.

Take care Flowers.

Huskylover1 · 01/07/2019 14:05

You have friend zoned your own husband. I think you need to start having sex again.

NewMe2019 · 01/07/2019 14:09

I have been in exactly the same situation for years. Felt guilty as H not a bad person etc but it just got worse and worse over time.

I ended things last year and was so relieved. I've spent some of the best years of my life worrying about how he will deal with it. Well I deserve to be happy too. You only get 1 shot at life. I'm awaiting the decree nisi now.

NewMe2019 · 01/07/2019 14:11

Oh and don't have sex with someone you don't fancy or desire. That's terrible advice and will NOT make you feel better or make you magically attracted to him again.

Original poster
Sisterhood1 · 01/07/2019 15:26

Bluerussian can't tag anyone, maybe I did this time!?

Ty your comment, it was very sweet. My plan is to stay open and honest, not sext hot guy and yes, be kind and respectful and do some fun and romantic things and hope for the best... Fingers are crossed for an improvement because I hate us not being balanced in our feelings for eachother Ty xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Sisterhood1 · 01/07/2019 15:27

Ty huskylover x

OP posts:
Original poster
Sisterhood1 · 01/07/2019 15:29

Thank you NewMe2019 how are you getting along now, a yr later? I feel like my doubts are very recent and I hadn't had my head turned before, so I will give things a try still... I hope, if things don't improve in time, I will have the guts to face up to it like you did xx

OP posts:
Fizzypoo · 01/07/2019 15:32

I agree with the poster who said you have friend zoned your husband.

If you make the decision of wanting to work on your marriage then you'll have to try and fall in love again.

I would try a regular date night, a shagging break away, go out and see a band, get tipsy, stumble home and give him the jump. Remind yourself you can have fun with your husband and see what happens.

Original poster
Sisterhood1 · 01/07/2019 15:32

NewMe2019 I've read online there are experts who advocate just cracking on with sex because, for a woman, they say - if you do the deed, you're desire for that person increases but yeah, don't see myself doing that unless I genuinely feel like... Not easy stuff this relationship stuff

OP posts:
MoB83 · 01/07/2019 15:32

Sisterhood1 - I've not talked to my husband about how I feel. I have mentioned quite a few times that I'm not happy and can't carry on how we are however it falls on deaf ears 😫 xx

Original poster
Sisterhood1 · 01/07/2019 15:34

Fizzypoo Ty! We have both had so much serious and difficult stuff hit us, as a couple and individuals non-stop for years illness, grief, mental illness, finances, employment etc etc and he is a much more serious personality than me so yeah, NO FUN HERE... Your thoughts defo can't do any harm x

OP posts:
Original poster
Sisterhood1 · 01/07/2019 15:38

MoB83

Do you feel you could spell it out? I hinted too and he brushed it under the carpet. A few days later, I hinted harder and nothing so I had to say those awful words; I don't know how I feel romantically for you anymore, even though you're wonderful, v handsome etc etc and I've got a horrible gut feeling we might not get through it... Hammered it home, was god awful, but I do feel saying nothing would have been yet more destructive (for us, anyway). Very best of luck, this relationship and motherhood/career juggling stuff is very tough!!

OP posts:
SwishSwishSheesh · 01/07/2019 15:46

@Sisterhood1 you tag by sticking @ in front of the name

Fizzypoo · 01/07/2019 15:49

What attracted you to your dp in the first place?

LoafofSellotape · 01/07/2019 15:50

I've read online that this feeling in a long relationship is really common. I've read that it's always better to be honest, even 'though it's a horrible thing to say to someone, otherwise the relationship is more likely to be unsalvageable ... So it's out in the open

Tbh I think that's bloody awful advice and I would be out of the door asap if dh was that honest with me! It would do irreparable damage to our relationship,some things do not need to be shared at all.

Stop texting the other man. Just stop,it's not fair on him or your husband.

If you can't see a way back from this you need to let your husband go and find someone who does fancy and live him . Be honest with yourself,it's been 4 years are you really likely to want to sleep with again because it doesn't sound like it? Is counselling worth it or is it too far gone for that.

Personally I would have sex with my husband if I was in your shoes, it will be apparent pretty quick if the relationship is salvageable or not and worth moving forward. Some time away just the two of you maybe to reconnect?