I don't fancy my husband help!

[Sisterhood1]

Hi all

My husband is wonderful; handsome, strong, dependable, mature, lovely father. He has ME, painful back injury and PTSD. We have 2 boys at 9 and 3yrs. We haven't had sex since trying for youngest boy 4yrs ago! It's me - I have been turning him down all that time... Difficult pregnancy, damage from quick birth and big baby, breastfeeding, baby in our room for 18m, I had a full-on mental breakdown around my return to work time, then just busy, busy, knackered, feeling fat etc etc... and more recently, not coping with the pressure of his PTSD and how much he is depending on me - I have been his emotional crutch (like he was for me, except he was strong and dependable when it was me!)...

So, I had horrendous stress and pressure around 4 weeks ago... like so much going on and so many balls in the air. A gorgeous man messaged me on Twitter and the Insta (he lives abroad so we are extremely unlikely to ever meet...) and we have been chatting and sexting. The awful thing is, desiring another man like this and him having that kind of desire for me has made me realise my reasons for not having sex with my husband have changed - I have started fancying other men in the real world (won't go there!) - so, it's no longer about how I feel about my post-natal/post-bf body, no longer about my libido affected by my depression and stress etc... I don't fancy him anymore...

Even though he is so wonderful and so poorly and does not deserve any hurt, I told him how I was unsure of my sexual / romantic feelings towards him because I think I can't actually force myself to feel a certain way and it's fairer to him to know the truth even though it's f ing horrible. He says he has not desired another woman for our whole marriage, he says I'm his 'everything' and he adores me... I feel so horrendous, like I'm going to ruin his future happiness and mine and the children's, and my parents his parents... if I don't get this sorted, but I don't have it in me to pretend things are ok when they're not...

We are not getting any younger, I don't think there is another man out there as wonderful as him... If I ever got into another long-term relationship, would I just end up getting bored or whatever it is, and do the same thing again...??!

I've read online that this feeling in a long relationship is really common. I've read that it's always better to be honest, even 'though it's a horrible thing to say to someone, otherwise the relationship is more likely to be unsalvageable ... So it's out in the open. I feel truly, truly HORRENDOUS but I don't think I'm going to get those feelings back... and it will all be my fault!

Your thoughts please... Be honest! It would be so good to hear different men's and women's perspectives

Tia xx

The less sex you have, the less you want in some ways. I agree with the poster who said you could start having sex with him again and see where it takes you.

Don't mess around with another man. Either end your current relationship and pursue a new one or put some effort into trying to save this one. You can't destroy your relationship by doing the dirty on your husband. It's an awful thing to do to someone, but I think you know that.

I think you need to try and find what attracted you to him originally. Why don't you try a few date nights, getting away from the children for a few hours can work wonders or it may just make it more clear that there is nothing left to salvage. I would try stay clear of talking about the children though. It's possible you just need to get to know each other again.

@SwishSwishSheesh Ty! What a knob, as easy as that! :)

Ty @loafofsellotape yes, I would be too if things were reversed... We shall see... X

@DonPablo yep of course. I have ended that online fling. Ty x

@totaldogsbody Ty yes, that sounds like a sensible course of action. X

Anything new is always exciting and makes you feel desired I guess. However, you are writing the ending to your relationship with your husband and yet have the power to change things... I know it's making you feel desired .. butterflies etc but it isn't real and you need to come down to earth and rejoin with your husband. I've no ideas what the vows are these days and it's probably irrelevant but the overall morality of caring for each other in sickness, poor etc should strike a chord... at least you need to be honest with him. Cloud cuckoo land is a lovely safe place but it's not real or sustainable.

First, stop the affair. That was a shitty way to treat your H and your DC.

Ty for your thoughts and time all. The plan is be kind, spend time, no more sexting, be respectful, have fun, listen, do the deed... see how things go. It can't be forced, but I can certainly fight for us and it's defo worth fighting for.

Wish us luck x

I personally don’t think there’s any point continuing a romantic relationship if you don’t want to have sex with someone. You will find lots of posters here who will tell you to make do, but I think you should just leave your DP and find someone you are attracted to. Once the attraction is gone staying will just lead to resentment

This happened to me 7 years ago.Marriage was pretty much sexless and I didn't fancy him, I tried to kid myself that I had a low sex drive.Things cane to a head when I started messaging people of Twitter and I realised what it was like to feel attractive and sexy again.I ended my marriage,ds took it badly for an hour or so then agreed it was the right thing to do.Im now happily remarried with a ds.You only get one life be happy.

Dh took it badly not ds

Thank you for your thoughts everyone. I've asked admin to delete because I think I have all the advise I need. I probably won't comment again but Ty. Yes, online affair shitty - agree. Dealt with that and one-off in 14yrs. Feel horrendous so won't do that again... We shall see how it goes now. X