My fiance left over my daughter (his step child)

[Betterlife19]

So my partner left over my daughter shes a teenager 13 years old,they did not get along,cut a long story short she told me to choose between them and he just up and left,to me there was no choosing needed shes a teenager were the adults right? She cant tell us what to do. He cut off all contact bearing in mind he lives down the road,even with my other children one who he brought up from 8 month old now shes nearly 4 😥,now I find out hes moved on with a woman around the corner with kids who go to school with my kids, we were engaged lost a baby togeather. I mean ya could not make this up could you. I'm devastated it's been 8 weeks now but hes been seeing this woman for about 5 of them.

Yeah cause dating someone 8 weeks later, must mean left the OP because of her. read the post, it was 3 weeks later.

Rather than the actual situation outlined. so it's more likely he's abandoned his family over a teenage strop than he's having an affair and looking for a way out. I think not.

I think he did leave because of the dd.

Though it's not her fault. The dd is obviously having problems, theres a lot of upset in the house. Everyone living in a stressful situation. Then she says its him or her. He may already have been unhappy, because of this situation it other reasons and left.

To be honest, lots of step parents wouldnt be able to live in that situation indefinitely. They wouldnt want to see their partners dd move out, so they can stay.

Moving on quickly doesnt mean anything.

People who take a while to love on are not inherently better. I say that as someone who didnt feel ready to move of for 1.5 years, after my last relationship.

Lots of people date casually after a break up. Doesnt make them bad people.

Teenage story or on going domestic hell?

Plus they weren't his family. They're not his children.

Without a backstory (I've not seen your other thread) it's hard to say why she's so unhappy. But what is clear that she is unhappy, desperately so.

Your language when talking about it does blame her, so I'd think carefully about the way you speak about it in front of her/in her hearing because that could hurt her, badly.

There are some instances where being the adult and the parent means you have to put your foot down. This really isn't one of them.

Oh and the "how many kids, how many dads" poster can go back to 1959. Preferably stay there too.

Yeah cause dating someone 8 weeks later, must mean left the OP because of her.

As SleepingStandingUp says, it was three weeks later, not eight. And he moved in after three weeks, it wasn't just dating.

you're well rid. Focus on your children now.

Yes sorry I can see I missed that bit.

It was 3. Still some people can compartmentalise and move on quickly.

Still doesnt provide proof to anyone that he was seeing her already. Speculating isnt going to make the OP feel any better.

The OP also says moved on with another woman.

Not moved in with

Your daughter is 13, and they are hard work. But it is very clear that this man was not worth having - if I were you I would be angry that I wasted 4 years on him, not angry that he's now gone.

I agree there must be a lot of backstory to all of this.

How long did you date him/know him before he moved into yours?

Did your DD ever discuss why she didn't like your exP?

He's moved on after 8 weeks, ignoring the kids he helped raise. I'd wonder if he was already seeing her?

Sounds like your daughter has more sense than you in not liking him.

*I don’t think he really left because of your daughter. He wanted out and your daughter gave him an easy opportunity.

I have no idea if he already had the other woman lined up but I think the fact he moved on so fast shows to me he isn’t not seeing you because of your daughter, he is not seeing you because he no longer wants to see you.*

Totally this.

Ooops, you're right ProteinshakesandAntonsbum it was 'moved on'

That man was not worth having around if he left so easily. He moved on to another woman (coincidentally with kids) very quickly. I'd be glad to be rid of him and would try to get to the bottom of why your dd disliked him so much. And don't for one second make her feel like she's to blame. She's not. She and your other kids are your priority now so spend time doing things and enjoying life with them.

He's been seeing another woman for "5 weeks" of the 8 you have been apart? You meant a lot to him then, didn't you?

Your daughter had his card marked, she knew something and she did you a favour, move on.

@Juells to be fair I needed to go back in check. Just incase I had got it all completely wrong.

You say you put your children first but when your child asked you to put her first you said 'to me there was no choosing needed shes a teenager were the adults right? She cant tell us what to do.'

You say she is a normal teenager but she refuses to go to school.

He sounds like an idiot and you’re better off without him. Now you need to concentrate on your daughter. She doesn’t sound like all teenagers, she sounds like and unhappy girl who needs support. I have a 13 year old girl who can be stroppy, arsy and a bit rude but she knows when she has crossed the line. She also huffs and puffs about school and how this lesson is boring, that teacher hates her and gave her detention when she wasn’t doing anything, how lunches are disgusting etc etc. But, she’s totally happy there and enjoys it, actual school refusal is a proper problem which you need to get to the root of.

Separate question - how is it that all my children have teachers who tell them off and give them detentions for doing nothing at all, not a thing, absolutely nothing it's just that the teacher hates them and gave them detention for absolutely no reason at all.? 😂

Why would you put your relationship before your child? My mother did to me what you did (ignored the fact I didn't get on with and didn't want to live with her immature husband) and it's took years to rebuild our relationship and they've been divorced over a decade now.

Your the adults? How about putting your kids first that's her home she has every right not to have it invaded by a man she hates. Seems your fiance agrees too, kids come first and my mum bitterly regrets putting her desperate need for a man before my happiness in my own home as a child as that's what she is, a child

Did you ever really look into why your daughter disliked him so much?

Sounds like she forced a situation that you wouldnt have taken control of even though you needed to. It sounds like he had one foot out the door already and shes actually done you a massive favour. I hope you and your daughters relationship gets stronger because of this

Have you considered the fact that this man may have been abusing your daughter? And when it looked like things were coming to a head he just upped and left? It's very hard to form an opinion on somebodies real life circumstances based upon a few posts on an Internet forum, but sadly it reads very much like that to me.

I think, best case scenario, you've had a lucky escape from what sounds like a horrendous man who may or may not have been cheating with you with this new woman.

Worst case scenario, he has abused your daughter.

Either way, it sounds like your daughter is dreadfully unhappy and it sounds like you are blaming her for this man leaving. My advice would be to focus on your daughter.

Yeah cause dating someone 8 weeks later, must mean left the OP because of her.

Who knows but if someone is the love of your life but you feel you have to leave for whatever reason most people would be quite gutted and would be sitting back licking their wounds so to speak. This guy has happily moved on after 3 weeks. I dare say he didn’t feel that down about his loss.

Irrespective, the guy is a huge dick and I think the OP has actually caught a lucky break.

Take the opportunity to turn a corner and make a new and better life for you and your children.

You seemed to care more about this man than you did for the welfare of your teenage daughter. Turn over a new leaf. Prioritize your child. This man was so not worth it.

OP, please realise that your ex did not leave because of your daughter. He left because he's an irresponsible man child and very likely a narcissist.

Normal men dont up and leave a serious relationship where there are children involved and move in with another woman a few weeks later. He needs narcissistic supply which is why he moved on so quickly and I can almost guarantee this women was already on the scene well before you broke up.

Narcissists like to create disagreements between their victims (you) and the people who can see through the mask (your daughter). He has likely done something to make your daughter feel so strongly about this that she gave you an ultimatum.

You need to ask your daughter why she felt this way instead of seeing it as he left because of her. He would have left anyway, regardless of what your daughter did. You need to validate her feelings and apologise that you allowed an abusive man to come into your home and cloud your judgement.

Please know I am not judging you, I have been in this situation (although we didnt live together) and regret terribly not listening to my teenage son earlier (he said he didnt like my ex but couldn't articulate why- truth is he could see what an idiot he was as he wasnt clouded by feelings of 'love' like I was)

This probably was a toxic relationship and there will likely be alot you haven't shared on this post but I'd recommend you read up on narcissistic abuse.

The sooner you realise this, the sooner you can prevent it from happening again and heal your relationship with your DD. She loves you and has your best interests at heart and you need to always put her feelings before that of a man. I know that's hard to hear but it's very important to understand and accept to have an abusive free, happy life with your DC in the future. They are more important than any man, any relationship and any feelings you have for someone.

You are likely very vulnerable to further abusive relationships right now and you should focus on healing yourself and your DC

it's been 8 weeks now but hes been seeing this woman for about 5 of them.

Moved on to another relationship 3 weeks after leaving an engagement?

I doubt it's really been 5 weeks. Sorry.