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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How on earth do I deal with this mess?

50 replies

BoudiccaKate · 30/06/2019 09:45

Apologies for the long story. What on earth do I do now?

I met a guy on Tinder back end of last year, I'll call him DR, and I thought he was amazing, but after two dates realised he wasn't that into me. I hadn't had sex for so long, I was horny as hell, fancied him like mad so (and I've never done this before!) I asked him if he fancied a fuck. He did, we did and it was great - it would've been better with feelings but hey.

I wasn't expecting to ever see him again but we ended up hooking up again and we sort of dated. Great I thought, but it clear he was never that into me, he actually told me he didn't want a relationship (but I don't believe that was true, I think if the right woman came along he would) and to cut a very boring story short, he ended it very early January.

We reconnected in February when we saw each other on Tinder again and reswiped right. We met as friends, but the second time ended up in bed again - no penetrative sex, but may as well have. My feelings once again went all over the place, I got the wrong end of the stick about something, blew up at him - I didn't say anything that wasn't true btw - and that was that. That was in March.

I signed up for a charity skydive and messaged everyone asking for sponsorship, including DR and he did sponsor me. In acknowledgement of that I sent a message that consisted of a smile and a thumbs up. He replied about what a good cause it was. I didn't reply - what would be the point of getting into a conversation. I sent photos of the jump, he replied saying how good it was to see. Again, I didn't reply.

He then saw me again on Tinder and swiped right. I've upgraded so I can see who's liked me without having to like them and I messaged him in a jokey way saying there's no point in swiping right on me if he wasn't prepared to fall in love with me. He replied he knew but still thought I was quite a brilliant and interesting individual. I replied he was one of the best mistakes I'd made. He replied 'love it! x' I didn't respond. This was about a week ago.

Now the tricky bit.

I had lunch with a friend yesterday and her daughter (L) who is 18. L is lovely and I love her. I helped her overcome her fear of riding her horse four years ago after she'd had a really nasty fall and L has felt fondly about me ever since.

My friend and I were catching up and I told her about the latest with DR and how I was still devastated that he never wanted a relationship with me, only FWB and how my confidence had been knocked by that etc. And I'll admit I had a tear at one point. L heard all this and asked for my phone to look at the 100s of photos of my charity skydive while her mother and I were chatting. L didn't just look at my photos, she found DR's number and texted him!!!!!! My friend called me this morning to tell me and I've just spoken with L about it. She told him I'd lost all my confidence and I thought I wasn't worth being in a relationship with etc. because of him and how could he because I'm so lovely etc. She saw how sad I was about it and she said she wanted him to know how much he'd hurt me.

She blocked DR so he couldn't respond to her and DR hasn't been in contact with me at all.

What the actual fuck do I do?

OP posts:

category12 · 30/06/2019 09:53

Nothing. Do nothing.

L was out of order, but it was true. Just leave it. I think you'd be better off cutting contact with him entirely rather than the toing and froing.

Original poster

BoudiccaKate · 30/06/2019 09:58

You don't think L should message him and apologise? Her mother wants her to, but says its up to me as its me that's effected.

And yes, absolutely about cutting contact. After his 'Love it! x' I didn't intend to get in touch with him ever again. I thought it was a perfect note to end it all on.

OP posts:

ButDoYouAvocado · 30/06/2019 10:01

I'm not sure anything would be achieved by L apologising, I think it just kind of prolongs the agony. She needs her arse handed to her though, that was an outrageous thing to do.

Sadie789 · 30/06/2019 10:01

You do nothing. If this was meant to go anywhere it would have months ago. Continuing contact is only giving him the power knowing that you still fancy him and still will sleep with him even though he gives you nothing back.

As for L, that was out of order and immature and she should not have done it. She will have made you look very silly to this man who will be even less inclined to make something happen now.

Your best bet is to forget about him and move on. Properly forget - cut contact, no replies, no photos, no charity requests. Pretend he never existed.

You are just wasting YOUR precious time on this. Trust me, I’ve been there. The right person will be clear about how they feel for you and make it a relationship early on.

Original poster

BoudiccaKate · 30/06/2019 10:03

I'm sorry I've given the impression I'm asking about what I should do about DR, I'm asking about L and what she's done. I know what I'm doing as far as DR is concerned.

OP posts:

Original poster

BoudiccaKate · 30/06/2019 10:04

ButDoYouAvocado - Ok, thank you.

OP posts:

category12 · 30/06/2019 10:05

No, I wouldn't have her apologise. It just drags it out and she wasn't wrong, was she? "I apologise for telling the truth?" I'd give her hell, but no apology to him.

He's not going to lose any sleep over any of this. Only you.

CatPunsFreakMeowt · 30/06/2019 10:07

Do nothing about L, and stop right swiping him on Tinder. It isn’t going to go anywhere - when a man wants you nothing will get in his way.

Original poster

BoudiccaKate · 30/06/2019 10:08

Category12 - well, she got the wrong end of the stick about my confidence etc., I wouldn't go there again, its nice knowing he still fancies me and having banter, but I know I can do better.

Ok, I think she knows how much she's fucked up and how she's made me look. I'll leave it at that.

OP posts:

Wintersnowdrop · 30/06/2019 10:08

I don’t know why you would be having that conversation in front of a friend’s 18 year dd. She was wrong to text him, how immature. I don’t think she needs to apologise to him though. Sadly it seems he doesn’t care about you. Sorry, he seems a knob who just isn’t into you enough, which I know is heartbreaking for you. I don’t expect he will care. I hope you find someone else who will love and value you.

Original poster

BoudiccaKate · 30/06/2019 10:08

CatPunsFreakMeowt - did you miss that he swiped me, I didn't swipe him?

Seriously, I'm not asking for advice about him, I'm sorry its come across that I was.

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 30/06/2019 10:09

L needs to apologise to you and him, she had no right to betray your trust like that and put you in an awkward position.

Lemoneeza · 30/06/2019 10:10

do nothing. quit while you're behind, so to speak. I can't see how any further communication from anyone would improve things.
forget about him and find someone decent if you want a relationship

Original poster

BoudiccaKate · 30/06/2019 10:10

Blimey, does anyone actually read the thread?

Wintersnowdrop, why wouldn't I have that conversation? Please don't assume I'm heartbroken, I'm far from it. No need to patronise me.

OP posts:

Original poster

BoudiccaKate · 30/06/2019 10:12

pinkeyredrose - I think the others are right in not getting L to apologise. It wouldn't actually achieve anything for me and she knows that what she did was pretty awful.

OP posts:

springydaff · 30/06/2019 10:14

Oh Lor. An immature mistake on her part, well meant.

Leave it now. He can think what he likes, you're out of there. As it is he hasn't totally destroyed your confidence, you're perfectly fine on that thank you.

Onward and upward now to the lovely man who thinks you're gorgeous

Lemoneeza · 30/06/2019 10:14

sorry forgot to add, L is massively out of order. she should be sincerely apologising to you, as should her mother.

Lizzie3869 · 30/06/2019 10:15

I think L has shown that she's immature, nothing worse than that. She needs to apologise to you, but not to this man, who I don't think will give her any headspace as he doesn't know her anyway.

You'll know better than to talk about your sex life in front of her in the future.

Original poster

BoudiccaKate · 30/06/2019 10:17

Lizzie3869 I wasn't talking about my sex life. You need to get a grip.

Springydaff, thank you, I think you're right. Despite what I said about Tinder last night, I'm really not that desperate

OP posts:

purplecorkheart · 30/06/2019 10:18

L should apologise to you. Nothing else and you need to block him on everything.

category12 · 30/06/2019 10:19

Sorry, but I (and L, presumably) are only going off the things you said how I was still devastated that he never wanted a relationship with me, only FWB and how my confidence had been knocked by that etc and the tears. So I'm not sure where you think she has the wrong end of the stick? She shouldn't have done it, but - youth and wanting to defend you out of her love for you.

I do think you're teasing yourself a bit in an unhealthy way by "enjoying the banter". You're likely to repeat your mistake playing those games.

Original poster

BoudiccaKate · 30/06/2019 10:20

I think this is the first and last time I'll ask for advice on Mumsnet. I think one person has managed to advise me without assuming, extrapolating and being unkind.

OP posts:

NoCureForLove · 30/06/2019 10:21

YABU talking about your FWB and such stuff in front of your friend's 18 year old daughter.

Lemoneeza · 30/06/2019 10:22

you totally were talking about your sex life.

Lizzie3869 · 30/06/2019 10:30

But you were talking about this man in front of her, hence her getting involved. I don't mean that you were talking about the ins and outs about the actual sex.

You're the one who needs to 'get a grip', no need to be rude.

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