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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How on earth do I deal with this mess?

50 replies

BoudiccaKate · 30/06/2019 09:45

Apologies for the long story. What on earth do I do now?

I met a guy on Tinder back end of last year, I'll call him DR, and I thought he was amazing, but after two dates realised he wasn't that into me. I hadn't had sex for so long, I was horny as hell, fancied him like mad so (and I've never done this before!) I asked him if he fancied a fuck. He did, we did and it was great - it would've been better with feelings but hey.

I wasn't expecting to ever see him again but we ended up hooking up again and we sort of dated. Great I thought, but it clear he was never that into me, he actually told me he didn't want a relationship (but I don't believe that was true, I think if the right woman came along he would) and to cut a very boring story short, he ended it very early January.

We reconnected in February when we saw each other on Tinder again and reswiped right. We met as friends, but the second time ended up in bed again - no penetrative sex, but may as well have. My feelings once again went all over the place, I got the wrong end of the stick about something, blew up at him - I didn't say anything that wasn't true btw - and that was that. That was in March.

I signed up for a charity skydive and messaged everyone asking for sponsorship, including DR and he did sponsor me. In acknowledgement of that I sent a message that consisted of a smile and a thumbs up. He replied about what a good cause it was. I didn't reply - what would be the point of getting into a conversation. I sent photos of the jump, he replied saying how good it was to see. Again, I didn't reply.

He then saw me again on Tinder and swiped right. I've upgraded so I can see who's liked me without having to like them and I messaged him in a jokey way saying there's no point in swiping right on me if he wasn't prepared to fall in love with me. He replied he knew but still thought I was quite a brilliant and interesting individual. I replied he was one of the best mistakes I'd made. He replied 'love it! x' I didn't respond. This was about a week ago.

Now the tricky bit.

I had lunch with a friend yesterday and her daughter (L) who is 18. L is lovely and I love her. I helped her overcome her fear of riding her horse four years ago after she'd had a really nasty fall and L has felt fondly about me ever since.

My friend and I were catching up and I told her about the latest with DR and how I was still devastated that he never wanted a relationship with me, only FWB and how my confidence had been knocked by that etc. And I'll admit I had a tear at one point. L heard all this and asked for my phone to look at the 100s of photos of my charity skydive while her mother and I were chatting. L didn't just look at my photos, she found DR's number and texted him!!!!!! My friend called me this morning to tell me and I've just spoken with L about it. She told him I'd lost all my confidence and I thought I wasn't worth being in a relationship with etc. because of him and how could he because I'm so lovely etc. She saw how sad I was about it and she said she wanted him to know how much he'd hurt me.

She blocked DR so he couldn't respond to her and DR hasn't been in contact with me at all.

What the actual fuck do I do?

OP posts:

category12 · 30/06/2019 10:32

Or perhaps by going off the things you've actually said? Outside perspectives are often uncomfortable.

Peachesandcream14 · 30/06/2019 10:33

Well L needs to learn that it isn't ok to go onto someone's phone and involve yourself in their private life, no matter how well meaning. I do think she should be made to apologise to you, and you can explain that she has put you in an awkward position by messaging him when you had resolved to leave it. You're an adult and can make your own decisions about the guy

springydaff · 30/06/2019 10:33

Girl, you posted in AIBU. Only the very very foolhardy post here.

Come to the sunnier climes of more rational and kindly boards, such as Relationships or Chat.

category12 · 30/06/2019 10:37

No, this is Relationships, springy

KatherineJaneway · 30/06/2019 10:40

L shouldn't apologise to him, it will only prolong what she did. It was very immature but sounds like it came from a good place. She should apologise to you though.

springydaff · 30/06/2019 10:44

oh!

Perhaps you're getting the hungover/dreading monday brigade op

Seahorseshoe · 30/06/2019 10:44

I think I would like L to apologise - to you. That was a strange thing for her to do.

I'm glad you have all of this straight in your head and you know you can do better. You can and you deserve a bloke who loves and cares about you. He's served his purpose - you are well rid. If ever you feel like contacting him again, even for charity purposes, don't! 😊

Good luck op, these things seem catastrophic at the time, like right now you might feel mortified. It won't always be this way. I see a time when L is grown up, that you can laugh about this together.

category12 · 30/06/2019 10:46

I don't honestly think her responses have been that bad - maybe it's her hangover.

PizzaFace12 · 30/06/2019 10:52

L should apologise to you. You should explain that while you understand she was defending you she went the wrong way about it. Then you should refrain from talking about your love life in front of her and she seems too immature to get the FWB, ONS, horny middle aged woman, as she should be at 18.

Highandlow · 30/06/2019 11:12

What she said is true. Just leave it now. Honestly maybe he will leave you alone now , it seems best.

BarbedBloom · 30/06/2019 11:17

She should apologise to you for getting involved, but she wasn't wrong in what she said. She shouldn't be apologising to him though

HollowTalk · 30/06/2019 12:21

I think he'll probably assume you sent that text.

I agree with others that you shouldn't have been talking about him in front of L - she has proven she's too immature to deal with that kind of conversation.

I think if she texts him again there's a risk of a connection starting between her and the guy - given her immaturity and the way he is, I think that really should be avoided.

PepsiLola · 30/06/2019 14:30

How annoying, L completely overstepped a boundary and she owes you an apology not DR.

Personally with DR, I'd just ignore this all and pretend it didn't happen or you have no knowledge of it (if he ever does message or mention it)

HypatiaCade · 30/06/2019 14:39

L was so bloody out of order it's ridiculous. She should be absolutely grovelling to you. How bloody dare she decide to step in and deal with this for you. She has embarrassed you in front of him. I'm livid on you behalf.

She doesn't deserve the title of friend.

Sadie789 · 30/06/2019 18:56

I think it’s fairly obvious, despite your protestations otherwise, that this is nothing to do with L and everything to do with DR.

You’re looking for an excuse to contact him or get into a discussion with him by getting L to apologise.

That’s apparent to us as laypeople reading between the lines. Sorry you don’t like to hear the truth. But perhaps you should take a good read of what’s been said and see it as helpful and impartial advice, rather than taking the hump because we all know what’s really happening here.

SignedUpJust4This · 30/06/2019 19:19

Don't give this man any more head space. He's not that into you. He just wants a shag.

Your friend is immature but I think you let her do this in an attempt to open up communication with him again. Leave it.

Lemoneeza · 30/06/2019 20:04

@Sadie789 nail. head.

Countrypie · 30/06/2019 20:15

If you really are over him then you need to just walk away and never contact him again. Yes, go a bit mental with L but don't use her actions as an excuse to prolong contact with DR. It will only get worse. You need to find your own closure on this and move on.

IvanaPee · 30/06/2019 20:19

I think leave it.

If it stops him swiping right again so much the better.

I think messaging him for sponsorship and sending him the photos was a bit desperate so she’s probably done you a favour!

It was an invasion of your privacy. You’re the one she should apologize to. But him? What’s the point?

Yawninfinitum · 30/06/2019 21:03

I think you were handling him brilliantly- staying away and not replying to his compliments even tho that must have been quite hard.

She’s been very childish and silly and made it a bit awkward but thankfully you aren’t in contact with him now really so I’d leave it from the POV of anyone contacting him to apologise.

As for L- id be very pissed off. I’d use this as chance to teach her a valuable lesson actually about the ethics of stealing a phone and using someone else’s account to post anything at all or using their numbers to do so.
Ask her how she would like it if you nicked her phone and started messaging blokes she liked or ex boyfriends.

I’d be very quiet with her for a bit and expect a very heartfelt apology.

But def don’t let her contact him to apologise. It would simply be more school kid behaviour.

Block him on tinder tho!

rvby · 30/06/2019 21:31

OP your whole post was going on about this guy in great detail, every tiny twist and turn of how you have interacted with him etc, there were a couple of sentences about Ls actions, and you're getting huffy about how folk arent concentrating on Ls actions? Come now op. Your opening post clearly shows your focus, dont go into a strop over others following your lead.

Nothappyrabbit · 30/06/2019 21:40

I think it wasn't 'L' at all. I think it was you and you're trying to work out what to do to fix this mess.

allyjay · 30/06/2019 22:26

Yep totally agree with the last 2 posts

ConfCall · 30/06/2019 22:26

Just leave it nowOP. Block and move on. You’ve given enough headspace to this guy.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 30/06/2019 23:01

It was totally out of order but shows how much L cares about you. My DD did something identical at roughly that age. A FWB set up and she had never met him, texted and blocked him and deleted all our correspondence. Don't make her apologise.

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