I just don't feel involved in dp's life...is this normal or he is just not that into me?

[PirateOfPenzance]

Dp and I met online dating just over a year ago. We are both late 40s, have dcs. I have met most of his friends and he has met mine. He's met my dcs (he stays over here once a week mid week) though I haven't met his yet (happy to be guided by him on this). We have been away together a fair amount and have 2 weekends away planned before September.

And on paper that looks great but in reality, I barely feel part of his life. I hardly ever see him on the weekends as he sees his dcs or goes out with his friends but without me as he sees a lot of his friends 1 on 1 (e.g last weekend he ran a stall at his dc's school fair so that ruled out Saturday then Sunday he had lunch with an old friend). This weekend he's away at a festival with friends.

I don't get that he has a burning desire to see me - and it feels as though him seeing me once a week is enough for him. I've spoken to him about this and he's said he wants to take it slowly - that he has crashed and burned in the past before and he doesn't want to do that this time. He says he loves me - I believe him.

Whenever we've been away together he absolutely loves it. Can't believe how well we get on, wants to do more together and we do for a bit once we are back and then it goes back to what it is now. I think he has an incredible single man life set up - his friends told me he got very depressed after his last break up 2 years ago (where he got involved in a woman's life very quickly) so he went out of his way to have a 'full' life on his own and it's as though he defaults back to this with him 'fitting me in'.

Should I be more patient? How long do I give this before I say this just doesn't work for me?

Tell him. Just tell him without accusation that you are getting very mixed messages and feel peripheral to his life. If he wants to keep seeing you, you need to feel more included and central in his plans and if he doesn't then it's better to know sooner than later.

Thanks, that's a good way of putting it. When I've raised it before, I think it's come out wrong - it ends up being a discussion about seeing each other more which isn't the point. It's not actually about the amount of times we see each other but about feeling involved and he doesn't appear to get this!

Having come out of a ltr where I was superglued to my ex's hip, I personally would relish a relationship where me and someone else could be together yet separate. Bring able to have personal space to do my own thing yet have the ability to have intimacy with someone special would, in my book, be pretty awesome.

I understand your concerns about how you see your relationship and that there are still unfilled gaps in what is going on between you two but it does sound sort of ok.

Just think of those times when you'll want to do your own thing your own way and your not encumbered with having to fold someone else into it especially if it's not something they're that into.

You say you don't feel part of his life, my question to that is how much of his life do you want and for what reasons?

But you've been seeing each other for a year now and as your questioning what it is that you're getting and it's not feeling right for you, then you shouldn't really continue with being patient, especially as he's outlined quite well the reasons for and why he's pacing his side of the relationship. Have you made it absolutely clear the pace at which you want to go? I ask that, because I couldn't really make it out from your post what it is that you're wanting.

Overall it sounds to me from what you wrote, that it's a pretty good, transparent relationship your having. Something that I and many others would be envious of, especially as you have work and children to add into the mix.

Thanks Disney and you're right about not being 100% sure about what I want. And his last relationship was just that - a superglue type one and he doesn't want that and nor do I.

At first I thought it was just because we weren't seeing each other enough so I mentioned this and we tried to up the times but it didn't make a massive difference. And that confused me.

I think it's an intimacy thing. He has a lot of very close friends. He shares a flat with a woman (who knows his dcs well) so he confides a lot in her. I think he has a number of non sexual close relationships with people that he purposefully developed after his last break up. I have a few but I am by nature an introvert so I'm happier in my own skin if that makes sense.

I think it might be a priority thing. I have absolutely no issue being behind someone's dcs in priority but I sort of feel with him that his dcs come first, maintaining his friendships come second and then I fit in at the end! Whereas other than my dcs, I would move stuff around with friends if it meant I could fit seeing him in.

Also you have to come together later in life.
If my DH went to see friends or family I would have a vested interest as we have been together for years and I know them. So would want to hear about them and chat about them with him.
As DP seems happy with the present arrangement I don't see him changing.

Perhaps in the case of your own introversion, it could be that your looking for the support and nurture that you would get from a close confidant and that's what your inner self is looking for in an unspoken way.

Maybe challenge your introvert by opening up to others who aren't that close in a lightweight way. That way you could develop an equal network that your DP has. That would help to put the dynamic of the relationship on equal footing.

I would suggest the way that you're feeling ATM is that there is an imbalance in the relationship that your seeking to address. Two things will need to be done to sort it, ask him to come closer to your position, but only by the amount he can do. And you move towards the way he is. Basically, now you've established a baseline of how things are, perhaps try to rebalance.

Thanks disney I think that's exactly it and I guess as bee says it takes longer to be involved in each other's lives at this age anyway.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with the introversion thing. And overall our relationship is good - very transparent and largely very happy which is why I feel sort of annoyed with myself that I feel unbalanced. But you're right - the shift is actually not that big and given I actually crave my own space if I get suffocated, I suspect this is the first time I've been given it in a relationship and find it disconcerting. I think reaching out to my friends more is a good idea - and it can't do any harm while getting dp to move slightly closer (which in his eyes he is doing over time just slower than I'm probably used to).

Thanks for taking the time to give me your thoughts - it's been really useful

No problems, that's what a community like this is for. Also it helps me as much as you, as it make me reflect on my own circumstances

I'd feel the same as you op

If he's having one weekend a fortnight with kids I'd expect the other one to be mostly with you

He can see his friends week nights

He doesn't seem very into you

A couple of weekends together between now and the Autumn?! That's not putting you first

I think it might be a priority thing. I have absolutely no issue being behind someone's dcs in priority but I sort of feel with him that his dcs come first, maintaining his friendships come second and then I fit in at the end! Whereas other than my dcs, I would move stuff around with friends if it meant I could fit seeing him in

Exactly, he's your priority after your kids but you're coming 3 or even 4

This isn't sounding promising op. The two options aren't superglue or an occasional weekend. It sounds to me like he's running things. If you're in a relationship then what you BOTH want matters. Tell him how you feel and see wheat happens.....

Did he tell you about his depression as well? I would not want to hear this from friends and wonder why he doesn't tell you.

I think your instinct for the pecking order might be right..his DC, his friends and then you.
If that's the case you need to know if the reason is time, I.e it will improve or if it's who he is and he prefers friends to intimacy/you.
I don't like that you involve him with your DC and yet you are excluded from his, that seems unbalanced and definitely will keep you sidelined.

Why did his last relationships, especially mum of his children break up?

It would have been easy for you to help him with the stall if he'd just invited you for example , he doesn't want you around for some reason

He did tell me about his depression before his friends did. He says it will improve with time and it does...but painfully and I mean painfully slowly. And I'm not sure how long I should give this - I don't want to set a time limit as I hate those and I'll find an excuse to let it keep going but I also feel I need to know that it WILL keep improving. I am torn between enjoying having a relationship where I have space and wanting more.

I asked about why the relationship with the mother of the dcs ended. Problem is you only hear one side of the story. He says it's because she went off him. As we know (as women) there are 10001 reasons why that might happen and generally men's behaviour is petty high up that list! He is very complimentary about her - doesn't slag her off, says she's a great mother, that they still care about each other but were a really bad fit together in a relationship.

You need to sit down and have an adult conversation about this. Be assertive, explain what you want out of the relationship and see how he responds.

It sounds like he leads quite a busy life and you’re sadly not a top priority.

Yes that's what I thought bigchris though as I haven't met his dcs, it would have been tricky.

I have spoken to him about it before - but it turns into a discussion about times we see each other which isn't it.

One thing he did say to me the other day which I hadn't realised is that when we first met on OLD he had only really wanted something casual. But that he started falling for me and realised he could have a relationship with me. In a way it makes sense as he is behaving like someone who is slowly crawling towards a LTR rather than someone who was a willing participant! I've always been clear to him about the fact that I wanted a relationship btw!

I’m really mixed about this thread. I see his point and he DOES sound transparent and candid. But....you’re a lowish priority. And for me, it’s odd that you haven’t met the children yet, even casually. So, I don’t know. Sorry not to be more helpful.

Well weirdly I understand that confcall as I have mixed feelings about it too. It's great as I still get a lot of time with my dcs and friends and do still have a dp. For example this week he sorted out the car for me at the garage, stayed in the house for some deliveries and was generally a helpful dp.

But then I look at the next 4 weekends and he's away 2 of the weekends with friends, the other one will be with his dcs and 1 of them apparently he has arranged a 'surprise' for me (!) and we have nothing fixed in the diary for this week.

He has spoken about spending more time here and over the last few weeks he has left more stuff here but it's very very slow progress!

There is a very fine line between wanting to be a "priority" and being needy as well as wanting to be "involved" and appearing controling. Wanting the formers is good, the latters not do good. As an example, if someone implied that I should prioritise them over my dcs, they'll get short shrift from me and that includes my employer, a new partner or job is easy to get, damaged children is much harder to repair

OP, by looking at your relationship objectively you've basically said that he gives you your space without you having to ask for it. That's quite a good thing. And out of the blue he's arranged something special for you. That sounds like someone who is considerate. Again that's good thing and four weeks is next to no time.

Frankly, what your describing so far,I'd be quite envious of, I certainly couldn't show the kind of consideration he's shown about his ex, if it was my ex (baggage etc) as well as taking time to help you with some chores.

You say it's slow, slow to what goal? Have you a vision of where you want this relationship to head? He's leaving stuff at your place, do you want him to move in? Equally are you leaving stuff at his place?

I never stay at his disney. I would and have volunteered but he always comes here. I've actually only been there once - again this is his insistence. He's in a flatshare and just doesn't feel comfortable as we aren't ever on our own (his flatmate works but doesn't have much of a social life). I have met her but only once.

As I say, it is I suppose just little things like this - that make me feel uninvolved in his life. At first I was very suspicious about it (I thought he might have another partner). Now, I don't think he does at all - I think he just wants to keep parts of his life to himself. I don't have a problem with that per se, but what it was/is doing was making me doubt his feelings for me (as someone said further down the thread, like he didn't want me around!). Talking things out on this thread has really helped as it has made me realise what I'm trying to get to...and actually I suspect the only issue is the pace and the end point...

Well I hope the pace pucks up and you get to the endpoint that's right for you.

Its good that the doubts are fading as it's easy for them to come across as insecurity and that's not what you want. But they are there to help you question the direction you want to go in.

Enjoy what you have and take it easy, life's too short and fingers crossed it works out for you

Thanks Disney. And good luck with your situation too.

You call him your partner but how would he introduce you to someone- partner, girlfriend, friend etc.?

Is the pace fair though or balanced if he expects to be welcome at yours but you can’t go to his? Being able to be alone at yours means you go there more as a couple but I wouldn’t think it meant you only go there.

Same position I have no intention of integrating my kids/life and GF been together 2 years. To be honest her children are plain rude to their mother and sulky where I have a really strong relationship with mine and very chilled family vibe. We have a great time together especially when away for weekends without kids but been there got the Tshirt on relationships so I am happy to keep things as they stand.