I just don't feel involved in dp's life...is this normal or he is just not that into me?

[PirateOfPenzance]

Dp and I met online dating just over a year ago. We are both late 40s, have dcs. I have met most of his friends and he has met mine. He's met my dcs (he stays over here once a week mid week) though I haven't met his yet (happy to be guided by him on this). We have been away together a fair amount and have 2 weekends away planned before September.

And on paper that looks great but in reality, I barely feel part of his life. I hardly ever see him on the weekends as he sees his dcs or goes out with his friends but without me as he sees a lot of his friends 1 on 1 (e.g last weekend he ran a stall at his dc's school fair so that ruled out Saturday then Sunday he had lunch with an old friend). This weekend he's away at a festival with friends.

I don't get that he has a burning desire to see me - and it feels as though him seeing me once a week is enough for him. I've spoken to him about this and he's said he wants to take it slowly - that he has crashed and burned in the past before and he doesn't want to do that this time. He says he loves me - I believe him.

Whenever we've been away together he absolutely loves it. Can't believe how well we get on, wants to do more together and we do for a bit once we are back and then it goes back to what it is now. I think he has an incredible single man life set up - his friends told me he got very depressed after his last break up 2 years ago (where he got involved in a woman's life very quickly) so he went out of his way to have a 'full' life on his own and it's as though he defaults back to this with him 'fitting me in'.

Should I be more patient? How long do I give this before I say this just doesn't work for me?

He sounds ideal to me. Cut him some slack

@NameChangeNugget He's not ideal for the OP though is he - which is kinda the point of the thread

I have a very similar set up with a guy though we've been dating for close to 3 years. We've met each others kids but don't spend much time together with them. Households, finances etc totally separate. I will be v v reluctant to put myself in any sort of position where the tangible practical elements of my life could change if someone decided they didn't love me / fancy me anymore. We have brilliant weekends away and a couple of mid week evenings he comes to mine (though rarely stays). It's serious but slightly at arms length. At times I do feel like the OP, I miss having a genuine 'other half' and all the decisions being up to me but the flipside if that is autonomy. I do also get hurt sometimes if he arranges other things on the weekends I don't have my kids as that's our primary time together but I try to balance that with the upsides I've mentioned. Ultimately no two relationships look the same, there's no 'should', just what works for you both. If you're spending more time being upset, hurt or insecure than happy, it's probably not right.

He says it's because she went off him. As we know (as women) there are 10001 reasons why that might happen and generally men's behaviour is petty high up that list!

Could the reason be that he failed to connect with her, attachment may have been an issue throughout his life? Or is he still hung up on her?

Either way, I think of you have to start playing detective then the relationship isn't right.
Will he ever get out of the houseshare situation?

I think he sounds very scared to get close to you op. He loves you from a distance, because it’s easy to love someone from a distance as they can’t let you down. I think telling him that you don’t feel very close to him might help him see what he’s doing.

I feel mixed about this too - I suppose because there is no right one wrong model of a relationship per se - how the DP is acting would be fine for some people - but it’s not making the OP totally happy, so may not be what she wants/needs.

Do you ever talk to him about the possible future? Is moving in/marriage a possible end goal for either of you?

If it helps at all I had similar with my BF - I felt like he was a bit commitment-phobic - not much, but a little. We are both divorcees with our own kids too. And it has changed and improved over time - in fact we are about to move in together...... But i’d be lying if I said that the difference didn’t give both of us second thoughts at times......

Maybe the key is to determine (through talking to him, if you can), whether he thinks that his current position will be his permanent one, or whether he feels it might change in time. And if the latter, do you feel you are a good enough match in other ways to make him worth the wait, as it were.......

My new bf made a point of making lots of friends between relationships so he has numerous lunches, walks, hobbies, evenings out, people to stay etc (he is retired).

The difference is, I think, that he sees me as his priority (after his kids, albeit they are early 20's so reasonably self-sufficient!) and we plan around my diary more than his and he gives his friends dates and times that he knows I am not available.

We tend to see each other every couple of days as a norm but then maybe two or three nights in a row over a weekend. We both stay at each other's but it's more convenient for him to stay with me as it's better for me for work, and also his son lives with him which is a bit of a passion-killer!

But even after just two months I feel part of his life, I feel wanted and prioritised. I have a key to his and he knows where my spare key is so can let himself in (my keys are very irritating to get cut and I only have one other which the cleaner has).

I've met both his DC though we've not done anything formal together (obviously meeting young people on their 20's is not as tricky as meeting actual children). I've not yet met any friends but that's mainly because he sees them when I'm at work and when I'm not we tend to want to spend the time just us (for now!).

I can understand why the OP feels a little detached.

Some months are just busier than others. I'd give it a bit l9nger and wait and see what the surprise is.
If you've only been dating for a year, don't live together and have separate families, is it a huge problem if his friends are a high priority?
You could tell him how you feel in the meantime but I think you sound slightly on the needy side. A year is not that long?

Thanks everyone. Sorry I didn't come back to this sooner.

The timing of this thread was totally bizarre. Dp obviously knows me well enough as he came round on Monday and said he could see I wasn't feeling 100% happy about everything.

He said he likes the fact that both of us have quite full lives (in truth his is a lot lot fuller than mine!) and how he thinks we should move in together asap because at least then we would be spending more time with each other. This was his 'surprise' weekend that he was going to tell me about. pinkgin your analysis was right - he found loving me from a distance easier, far easier and the whole commitment of moving in and being more of 'a couple' totally terrifying in case he let me down.

The only slight concern I have is that his exw has recently started seeing someone. And I do wonder whether that has spurred him on. I did ask him why the sudden change of heart because this really is a total and complete about turn but he said he realised we had a great thing and he was going to throw it away and he just needed to do it!

Hmmmm......

At your age, with kids, these sorts of gestures are a bit silly in my view. You should sensibly discuss moving in. You've not even met his kids yet!

We have talked about it before. I just didn't think he was anywhere near wanting to do it!

Anyway I'm glad at least everything is out in the open so we'll just continue moving forward with discussions from here.

I’m glad op & thank you for updating us 😊.
We’re all brought up with this pretence of if someone really likes us or loves us that they’ll move heaven and earth to be with us, but this is can be far from the truth, fear is a powerful emotion, in a lot of ways more powerful than love.
Regarding your fears over whether he is doing this because of his exw moving on, it could have influenced him but not in a bad way. Often when we see people from our past moving on with their lives it makes us take stock and reevaluate our own lives; am I happy? Am I where i want to be? What is holding me back?
It sounds like he is now ready to let go of the fear. Which is great.
Wishing you all the best OP.

Well, fears are normal. Moving in is a big step (not the biggest - but neither is it tiny). I have some fears about moving in with my BF, despite being delighted about the step in many ways. (Largely fears surrounding my dd, in my case - I have made it clear to him that, even if we do break up in the future, he is now going to be a significant adult in her life, so I would like him to respect that in any decisions he makes going forward. I trust that he will.....)
Anyway, good luck, OP, and congratulations! 🎉🎉🎉 IF this is what you want. Just do be sure it’s what you want. No shame in asking for some time to think it through. To be honest I was staggered when my BF suggested moving in together (as I mentioned before, he seemed if anything a bit commitment-phobic), so it did take me a bit of time to decide it felt right...