Please help me communicate with my DH?

[TellMeHowToFeel]

Hi would appreciate any help and advice. I've been suffering with anxiety and depression. Have reached a point in my marriage where I have a hundred thoughts racing through my head and cannot communicate them to DH at all. Every time I try, it's like my mind short circuits and no words will come out. We have very similar issues in the bedroom - the thought comes into my head that I'm in the mood, or that there's something I want. But it's like I'm absolutely paralysed about communicating that thought and as a result we go months and months doing nothing, both getting increasingly frustrated. I don't know how I've got like this or why. I do feel that when I do try and speak to him he listens and says lots of sweet comforting things but doesn't ever really seem to take any of it on board or proactively try to help me communicate.

If anybody has any ideas I'd be so grateful.

Have you tried writing it down?

Also a counsellor might help you change both your communication methods to make them More compatible

Thank you @Aussiebean yes writing has been my default for the years we've been married - in fact we met over email which may be why I didn't realise there was such a big issue until much later. It works sometimes, but the problem is still that DH just doesn't seem to take in or remember what I'm saying. & in the bedroom it absolutely kills any sense of connection when I'm completely locked inside my head, can't get my thoughts out and he can't remember or utilise anything I've told him at some other time in writing.

Maybe a counsellor is needed.

Are you like this with friends?

I really recommend a counsellor, too OP.

But it really does sound like both of you have got big communication problems.

Does he ask you what you are thinking? would you like him to?

I agree that a relationship therapist sounds pretty essential.

Would it help if you let the 100 racing thoughts get on with it and do their own thing, while you focus on one, fixable thing? Its a technique I use to manage panic attacks, and its surprisingly effective once you get the hang of it.
I practice focusing on one idea or task when its not urgent. It takes some practice to keep drawing your attention back to it, and ignoring all the other stuff going on.

Explaining what is going on in your own head is incredibly difficult. Writing things down is a great idea, I've found breaking things down and dealing with one bit at a time to be helpful. Also I use podcasts and blogs could you find some that are relevant to you and then share them with him.

@TemporaryPermanent ummm no not really. But I don't want to mislead - he's a really lovely caring person, he's just not naturally very emotionally deep whereas I'm unfortunately quite complex. So he gives a lot of lovely very sweet tickbox responses but never proactively wants to know...and it's like it never really goes in. makes me feel so lonely but I feel a large part of that is my fault for not being better at making him understand.

@TheInebriati I like this idea - may be hard in the bedroom. trouble is if the 1 thing I have to focus on is just getting myself in the mood, I have to turn off all the noise to do that, bit chicken and egg

@Singletomimgle isn't it just!! In my head it's all so clear but they're like weird abstract floating ideas without form. I can't pin them down to word or voice them. I do try - I open my mouth. Or even go to write it. And either literally nothing comes out at all or an epic tumble of words that I can't possibly expect him to make sense of. So hard to explain but it's making me so so sad and that of course has a knock on effect to him

You can't begin to explain things you don't properly understand yourself especially something so complicated and varied as depression and anxiety. As I say there are some really great podcasts and blogs out there, also some great pages on facebook, videos on YouTube and so many other resources. You'll find stuff that will help you as well as explain to your DH. Start with the less complicated bits like what coping strategies you have, what makes you feel safe and triggers if you know them.

Sorry I forgot to reply to that point earlier - I did used to forward DH blogs and articles a lot because I do a lot of reading about it. But he really isn't keen on that, I have to nag him to read them as he's not a long writing type of person. And like I say he doesn't remember stuff any way even if there was an article I could get him to read.

Really I'm looking for things i can say, ways I can communicate in live time with him that might empower me to free the things that are actually in my mind and help him to take them on board/ remember them.

Have you talked to your GP?

If DH wont read anything long you can find lots of meme type posts on facebook or instagram. Maybe you can explain why you'd like him to read a particular blog. I find it tough to understand why he won't take a little time to learn more about a huge part of your life unless he has a specific reason. Maybe you could try again, give him a few days to read a shortish blog without mentioning it then ask him what he thought. If he says he didnt read it you need to know why and not be fobbed off.

@TheInebriati the only time I've spoken to my GP is about my anxiety / depression - they basically said because I hold down a high powered job and wasn't crying (obviously duh, I'm completely numb not a wreck) they weren't interested in helping me. But do you reckon the GP would be the right person to help me and DH?

@Singletomingle I truly don't know why he won't, I've tried for years and have come to the conclusion that it is literally just a bit of an intellectual / emotional capacity thing. Honestly I don't want people to get the idea he's a bad DH, he really isn't, he tells me he loves me all the time and does so much for me. He just doesn't seem to really understand or hear me but I do think that's me as much as him.

I will try what you suggest with a meme. Or maybe a video, he likes videos. I'd need to find something that fits how I feel.

I'm completely locked inside my head, can't get my thoughts out
That happens to me on occasion when i'm either emotionally, mentally or sensorally (if that's even a word) overwhelmed.
It's part of my autism.

Before i understood my neurology i'd always end up hating myself and beating myself up for 'fucking up' something that should be easy and normal.

Irrespective of your neurology, you've still taken steps to communicate.
HE is letting you down by 'forgetting' what you've said and not acting on what you've told him.

Instead of thinking you are doing something wrong here - why not look at what his role in this is?
You can't keep giving 100% but accept only 50% in return.
He isn't meeting you halfway in this, using any initiative or taking any responsibility.

I wasn't trying to suggest he's a bad husband just maybe he has some underlying reason why he doesn't seem interested. Maybe you could use this as a way to get talking, ask him what he thinks of the meme or video and how it makes him feel. If he still isnt interested my you simply need to ask why he doesn't want to learn about your illness and its effects and what you can do to help him understand.

@SavingSpaces2019 that's interesting because one of my DSs was assessed for Autism (well, Aspergers) and I recognised loads of the criteria on the assessment in myself but I seemed to score far too low on all the bits around empathy - I count as an Empath and actually feel what others do too deeply, so didn't think it applies to me. I 100% do get overwhelmed with mental / visual / social stimulation though and just shut down. It's like my outer self which seems really together is a shell and inside the things I really think and want to say are in a cage that I have zero way of getting out.

Sexual conversations are the absolute worst. But anything important or to do with feelings, life, what I'm worried about. Just can't do it.

I've emailed a couple of local counsellors just now who sound like they may specialise in communication, to see if they could help at all thank you those who have suggested we may need outside help

How did you manage to put into words how you feel about this op? It’s like someone has written down how I feel, as though I’m not yet at your stage of communicating my thoughts

That does look promising however and I’d definitely look at how this happened in the first place so you can do it again and again

@Mummoomoocow It's taken me months to write this post just on here- I've kept thinking about it and going to do it but stopping because I was unsure what to say and scared nobody would reply.

Today was the day because a bit of a floodgate opened. After intimacy with DH (which hadn't happened for months but I was desperate for connection so instigated which is unheard of for me) I burst into tears and told him I feel I have no purpose in life, I've lost all my confidence and fantasies about just stopping existing but never would because I know he and the DCs need me. His response was his usual very sweet I Love You. Which he has told me many times since today. But I didn't and don't feel he understood what I was saying, and that made me think even more that I'm saying it wrong. And that I don't even really know what it is that I'm trying to say myself or what it is that I want from him. I just desperately want real connection. Deep, not superficial, connection.

Maybe we could practise organising those thoughts into words with each other? It does feel like I put up the brick wall to which I’m speaking, but I don’t know if he is the problem either. It’s so much hard work and I feel completely in my own head

Also just read a blog (attempting to find something to forward him like @Singletomingle suggested) about Connection. Which talks about how if the thing you feel dissatisfied with in the bedroom isn't physical but connection, the problem could well be with yourself. The article is a bit Woo eg suggests lots of spiritual stuff, yoga, church etc. But the crux is that you need to be connected yourself before you can connect with anyone else.

I am utterly devoid of any faith or spirituality. Maybe this is my problem. Maybe I am expecting something of my DH that he cannot give because it is impossible to connect with or communicate with me.

@Mummoomoocow I'd be more than happy to try that, either via here or DM if you'd prefer - I could definitely do with a sounding board who understands and don't at all mind doing the same for you